Dear Guy Who Upchucks Ridiculous Words to Preteens That You May Or May Not Have Made Up On The Spot,
I turned on the Scripps Spelling Bee last Thursday night and, because I’m not right in the head, kept it on until the very end. I’m sure you’re happy it all went off without a hitch, and that you have co-champions for the first time in 52 years, and all that fun jazz. But to me, there was something far more interesting than that, something I’m sure you’re loath to talk about right now: that damn milkshake reference.
No way is that a cherry on top.
In case you got so drunk over the weekend that you’ve already forgotten it, you responded to a request for the word “feijoada” — a black bean and sausage soup that sounds oh-so-tasty — with, “When Tabitha found that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard …” Everyone laughed and tweeted 45 trillion variations of O YAH I REMEMBER KELIS LOLLERDERBY, you pretended to correct yourself, and you gave the poor confused kid the “real” sentence like this wasn’t your plan all along.
“That’s pretty cute Mr. Judge, but ‘Caught Out There’ was far superior as far as Kelis songs go.”
Here’s my issue, Mr. GWURWTPTYMOMNHMUOTS: why didn’t you just finish the sentence? If you truly only referenced the song because you like it and thought it’d be funny, why not own it and go all the way? It could’ve worked, actually. “When Tabitha found that her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, she served up delicious bowls of feijoada to compliment the chocolaty taste.”
See? I used the word correctly, kept the food theme going, and silenced anybody who might have wondered why I was randomly namedropping such a sexual song in front of a bunch of 12-year-olds and then pretending it was an accident. It’d be like that “Dirty Minds” game where you answer hints like “When I’m erect, I’m dangerous” with “cobra.” You think I’m subtlety talking about blowjobs, but no: I’m simply hungry!
If the milk in your shake comes out green, consult a physician.
And make no mistake, Mr. GWURWTPTYMOMNHMUOTS: that song is about blowjobs. You know it, I know it, and all the people tweeting about the song while dancing around its actual meaning know it. Kelis’s milkshake is a blowjob: she shakes the boys’ milk up with her lips, and she does it better than anybody else. Also, she charges money for lessons on giving blowjobs as well as she does. Is that how you make your money when not running spewing inscrutable words that even the most pretentious of college essayists would reject as being too much?
I’m not saying we need to call the FBI just yet, but it might be prudent for the entire world to have them on speed-dial, just in case you try tossing low-key innuendos at a bunch of babies again. You got away with it once, after all, so why wouldn’t you give it another whirl? But if next year, some kid asks for a sentence featuring “apetalous” (a plant without petals) and you respond with “Dave is your ice cream man, stop him when he passes by, and he’ll give you an apetalous-flavored treat that’s guaranteed to satisfy,” expect more than a few visits from stern people with guns and batons, live on the spot.
Hopefully ESPN doesn’t cut away to Sportscenter if that happens. They broadcast that damn thing 500 times a day; we don’t need a 501st reminder that games happened yesterday and some teams won them while others didn’t. Stopping Mr. GWURWTPTYMOMNHMUOTS before he starts is far more important, and funnier than any Not Top 10 blooper could possibly be.