Misquotes Throughout History

Ed. Note – We had so much fun with this topic we had to let 2 editors take a crack at it instead of just one. Sometimes it’s fun to f*ck with history.

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

That’s a beautiful, poignant quote once delivered by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; one that is particularly relevant today, what with the killing of Osama Bin Laden and the ensuing celebration. You may have seen this quote on a friend’s Twitter feed or posted as a status update on Facebook. The quote reminds us that the base act of taking a life, regardless of how horrible the life may have been, is nothing to be proud of.

The problem is, MLK never exactly said that. In his 1963 book, Strength to Love, Dr. King wrote everything in that quote, beginning from the second sentence. But that first sentence, the one that deals specifically with the idea of celebrating a particular person’s demise, is a complete fabrication.

This idea of altering the words of a great thinker got me wondering if there are any other great quotes that had been altered throughout time. This couldn’t have possibly been the first instance where a wonderful line was changed to best fit someone’s needs. So, after many hours of laborious research, I have uncovered a multitude of famous quotes that were later changed.

All of these are 100% real, except for the ones that aren’t, which might be all of them. I don’t know. I didn’t do much research on this.

“Everything has beauty, with the exception of fatties. You know who you are.” – Confucius

“If my leg’s worked I’d stomp them in to your ass.”  –Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Don’t part with your illusions. If you do, before you know it some other asshole will be pulling coins from behind people’s ears of sawing chicks in half and they’ll be getting all your pussy.” – Mark Twain

“You can turn your back on a person, but not if they can teleport. Teleporters can be everywhere at oncei’msohighrightnow.” – Hunter S. Thompson

“We stormed the beaches; we stormed the shores. Turns out it was the wrong beaches and shores and we killed a bunch of French people. Still a win in my book.” – Winston Churchhill

“A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; all things I’ve seen in birth canals.” – Albert Einstein

“Your worth consists in what you are, and I fully intend to pummel you until you are a vegetable.” – Thomas Edison

“Everybody likes a compliment. This is why I call everyone I meet a sack of shit.”  — Abraham Lincoln

“Everything’s a dick in my eyes.” — Sigmund Freud

“God has given you one face, which is a shame, seeing as I’m going to melt it off with a sweet-ass harpsichord solo and sick rhymes!” – William Shakespeare