On October 13th of 2010, I wrote an article about the playable races that Blizzard needed to add to its next WoW expansion. Right there, second on the list, was the Pandaren race and now, as everyone knows, Pandarens are being added to the game as a new playable race. And yes, many others have suggested it before, but we suggested it and then it happened and we therefore assume we are the cause of it and that is awesome. Holy Taco inspired the Mists of Pandaria. Also, from the looks of things, China inspired a bit of it as well. But Holy Taco is in there.
Word today is that Blizzard stock is taking a hit due to dipping subscription numbers. Blizz has been downgraded from “buy” to “neutral” and that means a lot of hope is being placed on the shoulders of these pandas as, just next month, a new Star Wars MMO threatens to take even more WoW subscribers away. Will Mists of Pandaria be enough to resurrect the granddaddy of all MMORPGs? Can a bunch of bamboo-munchers keep Warcraft at the top of the heap after 7 long years? Leave nothing to chance! Holy Taco, experts at improving the World of Warcraft, now offer up these brand new ways we can help save the World of Warcraft from an inglorious death.
Let us Cast the Movie
Word of a World of Warcraft movie has been swirling the ether (and the Twisting Nether) since 2007 or so, with Sam Raimi attached as director and about 1,001 potential storylines rumored to exist. The most solid rumors suggest the story will take place before the World of Warcraft as we know it and will focus mostly on the Alliance, because it’s easier to follow the story of a human and a short, hairy Scotsman we’ll call a dwarf than it is to go to a city of orcs, trolls and bull-men. But regardless of the story, there will be some characters who need to be included and the casting of those characters is of the utmost importance. Blizz, we got your back.
Thrall – The warchief of the Orcish Horde, Thrall is one of the most important characters to the Warcraft storyline. He is brutal but intelligent and noble and honorable as well as savage. Clancy Brown was once signed on to voice the character but we offer us this suggestion, knowing that special effects will be necessary to fully flesh out the appearance of the orc warchief – Clint Howard.
We defy you to name one character actor in all of Hollywood who has played more offbeat roles than Ron Howard’s eerie brother. While physically he lends almost nothing to the part, he does look a bit like him in the face and if anyone in Hollywood is more of an orc than Clint Howard we’ll eat our hats
Cairne Bloodhoof – Leader of the Tauren race, people who are just minotaurs but we can’t use that word, Cairne Bloodhoof is a man-cow who is wizened and old and wise and absolutely should be played by Morgan Freeman. Why? Because for the first time ever he can play with wise, old sagely character without falling victim to Baggar Vancery.
Vol’Jin – Chieftan of the Darkspear trolls, Vol’Jin is a Rastafarian, tusked, cyan, voodoo wielding Shadow Hunter. And he looks suspiciously like Steve Buscemi with giant teeth and a Mohawk. And if you resist the urge to cast Steve Buscemi in a roll with blue skin and a red Mohawk, you’re setting the cause of cinema back decades.
Sylvanas Windrunner – Queen of the Forsaken, Sylvanas is an undead elf, so she’s like a sexy zombie with pointy ears and creepy habits. Sexy and creepy is no small task for any actress, and toss in a touch of Aryan and you’re begging for Amanda Seyfried.
Varian Wrynn – King of the Humans sounds almost boring compared to the rest of this stuff, but hey, he’s important. And he’s also missing for most of WoW, but he still has a role to play. Sand he has a wicked jaw. And that means Bruce Campbell, since he has to be in the movie somewhere if Sam Raimi is directing it. May as well give him a meaty role.
Magni Bronzebeard – Ever since Lord of the Rings, everyone under the sun wants to always cast John Rhys Davies as a dwarf, but that’s tomfoolery at its finest. The king of Azeroth’s dwarves should be handled by comedian Billy Connelly, because with each passing year he’s already allowing his hair to grow more unruly and his accent to grow more over the top.
Gelbin Mekkatorque - He’s the King of the Gnomes, displaced from their home by creepy little monsters. Someone give Warwick Davis a job where he doesn’t have to kill you for a pot of gold.
Kael’Thas – You need someone super white and super arrogant to be this angry Blood Elf, and pop culture’s current favorite super white jerkass is Alexander Skarsgård who portrays Eric Northman on True Blood.
Malfurion Stormrage – Legendary Night Elf, first druid and all around bad ass, Malfurion Stormrage is a purple-skinned dude with feathers on his arms who will thoroughly destroy anyone who crosses his path. His high cheekbones and gaunt features make him look like a technicolored grandpa Christian Bale, and we’re sticking by that.
Kel’Thuzad – Kel’Thuzad is a lich, which is basically a really fancy, really angry skeleton and no one can do fancy, angry and skeletal better than Christopher Lee, who’s arguably been playing that same part since the Hammer Dracula films of the 1970’s.
Holy Taco Mount
Blizzard is well aware that people who play WoW enjoy endless perks and no perk is cooler than an exclusive mount. Any shmuck can ride a kodo, but you’re truly elite (or l33t, as the kidlets say) if you have an ultra rare Black Qiraji Battle Tank or a Big Love Rocket. Does that sentence even mean anything to you? It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that you can ride horses and dragons and such in WoW and the more rare your saddled friend is, the more people want it. So clearly, the Ultra Rare Holy Taco Mount would have any hardcore gamer salivating. What makes a Holy Taco mount so awesome? Take a look at that bad boy!
Playable HT Editorial Hero Class