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MMA in Lingerie: The Most Pointless “Sexy” Idea Ever

On the surface, there’s no way a lingerie MMA league should be bad. Take some badass women, dress them up for the bedroom, and have them beat the tar out of one another. Sadly, the wrong people thought of it first, and so we’re now forced to deal with the dumbest possible version of the idea. Somehow, against all odds, the Lingerie Fighting Championship has turned pretty women in their underwear into something stupid and boring.

The LFC’s existence is proof that far too many men can get turned on by anything — they probably see a frumpy housewife beat the Three Stooges with a rolling pin and have to rub one out. It’s also proof that they have no idea what women’s sports are actually about. They probably watched the Man Show back in the day and thought “girls jumping on trampolines” was the height of athleticism.

The Lingerie Fighting Championship fails in just about every genre they’re attempting to co-opt, like trying to put together a salad after setting the kitchen on fire. They fail at:

MMA

At its heart, the LFC wants to be a sexy version of MMA. According to the Sleazy Lady in Charge, even women’s MMA ceases to titillate after a few minutes because the women are too beat-up and sweaty to keep on looking cute.

Never mind that this automatically alienates anybody who finds Ronda Rousey extra hot after she’s been through a battle. It also defeats the purpose of MMA and relegates each bout to a gentle catfight. Armbars barely bend the arm, ground-and-pound becomes nothing more than a clumsy slapfest, and chokeholds give way to something called the Booby Trap, which is exactly what it sounds like.


Maybe if Brock Lesnar had mastered the Booby Trap, he never would’ve lost the Heavyweight Championship.

At least they played real football in the Lingerie Football League. Maybe it wasn’t great football, but they also weren’t lobbing the ball underhand while prancing daintily down the field until somebody tackles them with a softer touch than a mother tucking her child into bed.

Pro Wrestling

The Lingerie Fighting Championships also steals from pro wrestling — quite literally too. The Sleazy Lady in Charge is a mean, Vince McMahon-style dictator, nobody actually likes each other, and jealousy and subterfuge are almost always afoot.


Their acting ability’s about the same too.

The problem is that they don’t have the girl-nuts to go any further. None of these girls have characters so much as attitudes, which can get old real fast. There are no wild and crazy gimmicks, probably because the head pervs in charge think dressing a girl up like a pirate would interfere with the sexy.

And random wackiness is at a bare minimum, if at all. Pro wrestling, while stupid as shit, is at least varied in its stupidity. There are fat people, little people, wrestlers dressed like animals, people with magical powers, and so on and so forth. It’s not just “good-looking muscle heads who hate each other exchanging headlocks,” which is pretty much all that the LFC has chosen to co-opt.

Reality TV

But it’s not like pro wrestling because it’s REAL, you see. Yes, they seriously expect us to believe that, even though they have drama and storylines, they hired pretty women based on their athleticism, and that everything, including the matches and results, is on the up-and-up.

Reality is probably the genre they come closest to getting right, since they’re obviously full of shit. Not one damn thing about this is real, which would put them on par with every single reality show ever. And in the off-chance that it IS real, that these women seriously think what they do is A) competition and B) hot, then that might be the saddest thing in the history of sentient life forms.

Sexiness

No matter what else they say, sexiness is clearly the LFC #1 priority. And they can’t even get THAT right! Remember those old apartment wrestling tapes, where women in their undies would roll around their living rooms and pretend to kill each other? This is a glammed-up version of those money-wasters. It’s too gentle to ever truly be sexy, especially since it’s PG.

Yep, the LFC actually markets itself as family-friendly. According to the Sleazy Man in Charge, “I’d much rather my kid watch this than two people beating the hell out of each other”. Because isn’t that the hallmark of classic parenting: sitting down with the kidlets and taking in failed actresses lightly touching one another while wearing next to nothing? Fuck the new Reading Rainbow — this is where the REAL education lies!

Besides, if it’s skin you’re after, real MMA shows a hell of a lot more of it than the LFC ever will. The lingerie girls look like a bunch of damn Amish when compared to the pure exhibitionism of the real thing.

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