To start, no, I didn’t recap the premier last week because I did something else. I am fickle and unpredictable like a northern wind, or a high class escort on too many anti-depressants. But apparently you guys love the Walking Dead as much as I do and in a sick way we enjoy mocking it together. It’s like negative reinforcement, we make fun of it because we want it to excel. Get good grades or you’ll be locked in the cellar. You’re beautiful, for a person with a lazy eye and those feet. I think you’re great, but I’m an idiot and make poor choices. So to honor the Walking Dead, I will now recap the rest of the season to compliment my weekly live tweeting of the show. Did you know I live tweet the show? I do and it is pretty great. Go to @holytaco and see.
Last week we got into the prison, we had camp fire songs, everyone had unruly hair and Michonne dragged around a pair of armless, jawless zombies because it looks cool. What’s in store this week?
We hop right into the action of cutting off Hershel’s leg again because screw that leg. But then there’s felons and they’re all confused! OMG! Best to have T Bag kill a zombie and then everyone ignore the felons because who cares about survivors anymore? Real humans are so two thousand and late.
Before you know it everyone is staring at Hershel’s bloody stump and we have prisoners to deal with. Who are they? Southern Gentleman, Kimbo Slice, The Spaniard, Zeus and Ja Rule. Fun! Kimbo just wants to know how his family is but the Spaniard thinks he’s running the show because that’s the logical response to a team of well armed, bloody insane people running into a prison and killing everything in sight, just tell them you’re in charge.
Hershel is very slowly not living but the prisoners have food, so let’s check that out. Yep, turns out prisons stock years worth of food in the pantry. I honestly don’t know if this is even remotely accurate. But they have a cooler full of poop as well, so that’s something. The Spaniard is still copping an attitude and now you’re just waiting for the day he’s going to die, but probably Zeus back there, who had half a line, has to die first because he’s contributing nothing and there’s already a bald, black guy.
We’re forced to endure a scene of Lori talking I refuse to recap because I hate Lori and everything she says. But then we’re back with felons and they’re going hunting as everyone talks to them like they’re dummies in that way you talk to someone when you feel like you’re an expert and they’re possibly too stupid to even understand most of the words you’re using.
Is Maggie going to kill her dad? Maybe.
Despite telling the felons that zombies need brain stabbings, they run like roaches with the lights on and proceed to stab everyone in the guts. Hilarious! Round two is more organized and everyone gets stabbed appropriately in the face and skull.
Elsewhere, Carl has wandered off and found medical supplies and Lori is shocked because Lori is an idiot who has not scene the previous two seasons of The Walking Dead.
Back to killing and Kimbo Slice gets bit. Uh oh, what do we do? If you guessed the Spaniard goes mental and beats his brains in, you guessed correctly. Looks like I picked the wrong guy. Oh well.
Carol wants to practice surgery on a zombie and gets Glenn’s help. Sounds gross, let’s do it. Back in prison, the Spaniard is clearly a man not to be trusted. He takes a swipe at Rock and then tosses a zombie at him. How do we discuss this? Maybe we can make peace if OH MY GOD RICK STABBED HIM IN THE FOREHEAD WITH A MACHETE!
That was probably the greatest scene in this show, seriously. The moment Rick just threw in the towel and became insane, it was very abrupt. He follows it up with another, more callous murder by chasing after Ja Rule and then leaving him to the mercy of a courtyard full of zombies.
Back at base, Hershel died. Or did he? Lori tries CPR because that’s not dumb in this circumstance, is it? Jump scare! Wait, he’s not a zombie? What is this bullshit? On the upside, only Carl has any sense in this scene and has a gun handy because, you know, Hershel is going to try to eat all of you idiots.
So Hershel’s still alive and the two remaining felons get to live. Odd that the only guy I pegged as a corpse is still there, I must be getting rusty. That aside, what was going on with carol and that zombie autopsy? Who was peeping in the bushes? And why did I get a zombie upskirt? That’s boner poison, don’t do that.
But also, Herschel’s still alive? What? How? An old man, under immense stress, likely malnourished, gets bit by a walking corpse, his leg is hacked off by a hatchet after like 5 separate hatchet blows, a hatchet that has been used to kill zombies and I haven’t seen anyone sanitize shit in this show, and then he needs to be wheeled across a prison to a bed with rags jammed in his hatchet stump, and he lived? Because an hour later Carl found gauze and peroxide? Where the hell did they get all the spare blood he needed?
This episode had a terrible ending and I won’t even mention it. Lori sucks. See you next week.