There used to be a time when downloading a single song was like waiting for your father to finally crack and give you a hug. The shit felt like it was never going to happen. But then, it did. It happened. You waited what felt like years for that download to finish, just like you waited years for your father to look you in the eye with pride and wrap his arms around you, knowing full-well that he finally has your respect. For so long you wanted nothing more than to get your dad to hug you, or, similarly, to download “I’m a Barbie girl” by Aqua, because it was 1997 and your attention span had very low standards.
You waited and waited, watching that progress bar slowly, slowly fill, like the health bar of a video game character after using a health pack, and in the same way that you watched your father’s arms – almost in slow motion – take on a rough circular shape that seemed to be making its way towards you.
As that progress bar filled, the number within it grew steadily. 47%. 56%. 68%. The ETA would make a sudden jump to 17 minutes, before taking a plunge down to 38 minutes. It was all exactly like how your father’s arms consumed a greater percentage of your body with what you knew was going to be one of the all-time great hugs.
And then, it happened.
After who knows how long, the download, like the hug, reached 100%.
The joy. The bliss. It was euphoric. They say the longer you wait, the sweeter the taste…and goddamn was that song download, like the hug, sweet.
And then you played the song and it turned out to be a four-minute loop of some asshole doing a shitty Bill Clinton impression, telling you not to pirate music…very much in the same way that you felt your father’s boner as he hugged you, breathing deeply in to your neck.