Modern Nostalgia is all about looking back to the not-too-distant past and wistfully reminiscing about things we have no business wistfully reminiscing about. But, we reminisce anyway, because technology and pop culture currently move so fast that whatever happened a year ago seems like it happened a decade ago.
Take, for example, CRT computer monitors. It wasn’t until around 9 or 10 years ago that the popularity of CRT monitors began to wane. In 2011 you can pick up a decent flat screen monitor by singing the Best Buy cashier a jaunty tune and giving them an Eskimo kiss. In 2001 you had to promise that a cashier that you would return in 50 cycles of the moon with a chalice dribbling over with the blessed blood of the first male soul to blossom from your seed. In 2001 if you knew someone with a flat screen computer monitor, in your mind, that person must have owned an oil field, but they had to be loaded.
As with all technology, CRT’s became cheaper over time. As the technology aged, it began to show signs of its growing displacement within our minds. We all knew there was something better and flatter and more vibrant on the horizon, so we misused and abused the poor CRT monitor. If you were in high school at any point between 2001 and, say, 2006-ish, you may have noticed that nearly every classroom you entered contained no less than half-a-dozen broken, useless CRTs doing nothing else but making your school look like a once well-funded palace of scholastic achievement that had been destroyed by a WW2 Nazi air raid. If your history teacher wanted to convey the aftermath of the London Blitz to a class, all he had to do was point to the elephant grave yard of monitors off in the corner and say, “like that, but with more Churchill.”
Eventually, every monitor in the school had no less than four dicks drawn on it, and everyone knew no less than three people that had such a passion for drawing dicks on monitors you knew they were going take the world by storm one day. And if not, they were going to draw a dick on it and laugh and probably fall asleep on their chemistry test Scantron.
As soon as we fall out of love with a technology, we draw dicks on it. It’s just human nature.
So we salute you, CRT monitors. Some of us got our first gamey taste of internet porn with you. Others among us became enraptured by the fact that a dick complemented your visage so well. But for all of us that used you, you will always be remembered as the gigantic slab of glass and plastic that ate desk area like you were fueled by the consumption of negative space.