The entire staff at Holy Taco is up in arms today, thanks to an email we received alerting us to the existence of the Call Me Panty. It’s some gitch with a pocket in the front you can put your cell phone in, intended for ladies who want to put the phone on vibrate. See where this is going? Oh yeah, it’s turning your iPhone into a playground of moral turpitude. Disgusting!
Normally we fully support ladies getting to know themselves but this takes things too far, and do you know why? It’s because women continually humiliate men in the field of wanking. If you’ve ever been to a store or website that sells sex toys you may have noticed that for every Fleshlight marketed towards men, there are about 200 devices used to poke, prod and plook ladies and their bits. Women have all the sex toys in the world and now they’re corrupting telecommunications. Would you hump a warm ham sandwich? It’s just as bad as doing your phone. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t try it sometime, but good guy, don’t make a warm ham sandwich holder that attaches to your belt buckle.
The real victims in all this are the callers of the world; friends, family and loved ones who will be calling Aunt Suzie in desperation, wondering why she’s not picking up, is she OK? Is she dead in a ditch? Was she abducted by Mexican albinos and tossed I the Holy Taco basement? Why won’t she answer the damn phone? Kids, you don’t want to know why Aunt Suzy is not answering the phone, because it’s awful. You see, Aunt Suzy is deriving actual, loathsome pleasure from your frantic attempts to contact her. Your fear makes her quiver. Your frustration is diddling her. Oh yeah. She’s that abhorrent.
If a man jammed his phone in his underwear and went about his day, that phone would have to be burned by sundown. Could you bear to make another call on it ever again? Talk to Grandma at Christmas time? Lend it to a friend? You better say no to all of that, because it’s awful. And in the interest of equal rights, Holy Taco is refusing to believe anything better would happen to a phone jammed in a woman’s crotch. It’s fine for a quick picture on your Christmas card but for everyday use? Unacceptable.
And a final point of interest, how many women need a giant, oblong crotch bulge? Is that a thing that people do now? I’m on the internet a lot and I have never seen that on Buzzfeed or Reddit or anything.