About 10 years ago, turducken was a hilarious urban legend that surfaced around the holidays, the famed turkey stuffed with duck stuffed with chicken in order to satiate the needs of the most demanding carrion eaters. Surely the thing was not real though. We all politely laughed and went about our non-fatty fat fat business. But it was real. And it gained in popularity.
Now, in 2011. as we celebrate Thanksgiving we must realize there are people out there eating turduckens, for no other reason then they are amused by three birds dying for their meal instead of one, and all of it being jammed into one meaty place. But as the turducken was once the most hilarious artery-clogging rumor of yesteryear, new foods have arisen, things stuffed into other things that are more terrifying than any turkey/duck/chicken could ever wish to be!
12 Bird True Love Roast
Bending the turducken over in a prison shower and making it a man is the True Love Roast, so named because the guy who named it was insane. It features 12 poor beasts wedged into one space for your dining pleasure, which is almost impossible when you consider that, in Time Cop, we learned that two Van Damme’s can’t occupy the same space to say nothing of a guinea fowl or an Aylesbury duck.
It takes 8 hours to cook a True Love Roast because, at this density of poultry, the salmonella becomes both visible and armed with rudimentary weapons. Only a 350 degree siege that lasts most of the daylight hours can overcome it.
Word of this culinary monster arose in 2007 and its legend has slowly grown since then. By 2017 we can assume it will have consumed a few more birds and maybe a guinea pig to compliment that guinea fowl and, most likely, a crisp coating of bacon, because that’s the last resort of the suicidally hungry.
One of these things costs over $300 and that’s just the cost in actual currency; the toll it will take on your insides and your dignity is just as staggering.
Realizing that poultry is chock full of white meat and lean protein, one valiant individual stepped forward and laid porcine waste to festive dinners with the uncomfortably named Porkgasm, a sculpted pig made from homemade sausage, bacon, pork belly, cracklings, ham and smoked sausage. It is said to have weighed nearly 15lbs and it could kill a vegan just by being in the same room.
No word from the website which produced the pig how drastically trichinosis attacked them later nor how many days it took before everyone who ate the pig stopped pooping blood, but it’s safe to assume the dense blocks of pig meat sat hard and heavy in everyone’s intestines for as long as nature would allow as the family settled down to a quite, unhappy evening in low light while refusing to make eye contact with one another and plotting each other’s demises.
The Colonel intentionally gave the world the Double Down but that’s no kind of holiday feast. No, for Thanksgiving, you want something that’s been baked in your oven and will make your insides hurt after you consume it. Enter the KFC pie.
Made with an actual pie crust, the inside is layered with mashed potatoes and gravy, and then some boneless, breaded filets of the colonel’s own salty goodness, a cut up chicken sandwich and some nuggets. Next came yet more potatoes and gravy. For a final insult, cheese was sprinkled on top and then a layer of pie crust slathered in butter topped it off. All told it appears to be about 7 chicken breast filets, 3 pints of mashed potato and gravy, and a smattering of nuggets. There is likely enough sodium in this thing to literally explode the heart of any beast smaller than a house cat.
Cadbury Egg Nog
This is an actual recipe for Cadbury Egg Nog;
10 Cadbury Crème Eggs
3/4 cup sugar
3 cups whole milk
1 cup bourbon whiskey
1/3 cup brandy
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 cup heavy cream (whipped)
Scoop the filling out of the Cadbury eggs (feel free to consume the chocolate shell, in keeping with the theme), and mix it with the sugar, milk, booze and nutmeg. Whip the heavy cream, and fold it into the horrifyingly fattening Cadbury mixture. Pour into a glass.
This recipe was not written by accident, it was made on purpose to somehow make eggnog even more soul-shattering. As it stands right now, eggnog exists as a way to include more protein and sugar in a glass of milk. This Cadbury recipe looks at traditional nog and says “what’s with this ‘real’ egg business? That’s not made of glucose!” The result is now a much thicker, diabeteser mixture that probably causes blindness in children.
The booze is a lovely touch but arguably the best ingredient is the totally superfluous ¾ cups of sugar you’re expected to add. Those 10 eggs alone contain 35 grams of saturated fat and 210 grams of sugar. Add in the whipping cream and milk and you’re up to 78 grams of saturated fat which is about 400% of your recommended daily intake or, in practical terms, a small cardiac episode. But at least you’ll have a little buzz going so you won’t notice it as much.
Because a pig made from pork is not appropriate for fine dining, the Bacon-copia or Bacornucopia exists to present the myriad splendors of the insides of a pig. What bounty does this grease-laden horn hold? It’s a horn forged of bacon stuffed with 20 Italian sausages, one pound of scrapple, four pork chops, pepperoni, salami, white pudding sausage and black pudding sausage. Unfamiliar with those last two? Black pudding is also known as blood sausage which is, surprise!, made with congealed blood and various other fillers while white pudding is basically the same sausage minus the blood, and maybe with a little more fat tossed in. Both enjoy hearty helpings of suet, which is the delicious, hard loin fat of your favorite delicious animals.
If you eat this whole thing you will be granted the ability to see the future, but the only future you can see is the moment of your own death.