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The Mormons Want To Have Sex With You

This video of Mormon dudes letting us in on their favorite ways to pick up some hot, Latter-Day tail is a little surprising. Seeing as Mormons have wives by the bagfull, I assumed they’d be waaaay better at spitting game. But instead, these guys nervously stutter out some PG lines us heathens heard in third grade. So, in an effort to help out, here are a few Mormon-based pickup lines that will actually impress those fine, fine, Third-Testament-loving ladies.
"Would you like to go on a missionary mission with me?"
"I want to taste your salt lake."
"You look like my sixth wife. And I currently only have five wives in my eternal family."
"If you were the Almighty God, I would tithe 69%."
"The Mormon body is a temple. Let me show you my wrecking ball."
"Did I die and go to the Celestial Kingdom? Because you look like someone who received the necessary ordinances and followed the commandments of the Heavenly Father during your time on earth."
"I bet Joseph Smith wished he found you in the desert."
"You put the "U" in Utah."
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10 Responses to "The Mormons Want To Have Sex With You"

  1. fistilynn says:

    yes,the video was very awkward,BUT the lines holy taco came up with are brilliant! I LMFAO! oh,sorry mormons, i laughed very much

  2. Bud Maxwell says:

    Reminds me of the joke: A Texan walks up to a gal in a bar with thousand dollar bills sticking out of his pocket, and asks: “Got only one thing to say to you, gal. Will ya, or won’t ya?” Gal takes one look and replies: “Your place or mine, honey?” The Texan retorts: “Well, if’n yer gonna argue,forget about it!”

  3. Buddy Ice says:

    That was very awkward.

  4. Anonymous says:


  5. Anonymous says:

    I’m Clayton fuckin’ McDonald. I’ll have to use that one sometime.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Your comments above are an amazing display of your whit and intelligence. Oops, I meant ignorance. Check it, the religion of Islam allows for FOUR wives. Mormon’s excommunicate any member who practices ANY FORM of plural marriage. How clever are you? Make up a behvior, attribute it to someone who doesn’t do it, then make fun of them for it. You are an absolute comedic genius!!!

  7. spaz says:

    That actually is quite clever.
    Being a cock sucker you would know!
    I cant believe you suck cock.
    Would you still be such a little bitch if you didn’t suck cock?

  8. The Pope says:

    It’s ‘wit’ (yours is drab)and ‘behavior’ (yours is churlish).
    Did you wander out of Primary? It’s a big bad world out here; full of sex, booze, violence, and assholes that correct your spelling. Someone wanna check my grammar for me?

  9. Anonymous says:

    The last guy is 100% right – the only “pickup line” a single guy might ever need is DO YOU WANT TO COME TO MY HOME? It’s either “yes” or “no”.

  10. I like cake says:

    Ok I’m still laughing about the one you guys came up with that started”Did I die and go to the Celestial Kingdom?”. Thats the best.