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Mortal Kombat: Shyamalan

shyamalan mortal kombat

We’re not saying anyone has to make this game, we’re just saying it would probably be the greatest game ever and arguably reboot not just M Night Shyamalan’s once promising career, but potentially his entire existence. Maybe even the existence of close relatives and neighbors.

 

Dr. Malcolm Crowe:

Real Name: Dr. Malcolm Crowe
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 180lbs
Occupation: Dead psychologist

Shyamalan may have made a couple of movies before he made the Sixth Sense, but that’s like pointing out Colonel Sanders had a pretty decent recipe for ham sandwiches. The real strength comes from his first blockbuster starring Bruce Willis and that kid critics liked but who managed to annoy audiences in every movie he made for that 5 year period in which he was in every movie made including Pay it Forward and A.I. which, to this day, haven’t settled their fight for which one sucks more.

Anyway, as our first warrior on the stage, Dr. Malcolm Crowe comes out with fists blazing in a slow, methodical flurry of dour, drab sweaters and pants. Being incorporeal means Crowe doesn’t even need to weave and dodge which is good, because he won’t. He’ll just sit and discuss your rage issues as you attempt to catch him in the grip of your completely illogical animality.

Move List

Freudian Slip:

Receding Hairline:

Fatality ( Yippy ki-yay motherf*cker):

 

Mr. Glass:

Real Name: Elijah Price
Height: 3’9” (in chair)
Weight: 155lbs
Occupation: Weak Ass Villain

Shyamalan’s follow up to Sixth Sense which, in retrospect, people say was a great film but which, at the time, no one liked because it was paced like geriatric porno, was a pseudo superhero whatever, thus lending itself perfectly to the game.

Mr. Glass, suffering from a crippling case of being crippled, may not have the physical agility of other fighters, but what’s a fighting game without at least one character that you hate using? Remember Dhalsim in the first Street Fighter? Johnny Cage? Yeah, here’s afro Sam Jackson in a wheelchair.

Move List:

Osteogenesis Imperfecta Piledriver: 

The Fro Blow:

Fatality (Ass, Grass or Glass):

 

Signs Alien:

Real Name:?
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 150lbs
Occupation: Terribly prepared soldier

They came from beyond the stars to take over bumf*ck nowhere with no superior technology and virtually no point whatsoever. Oh, and water kills them. What’s that annoying sound in the background? Someone screaming allegory? Shut up, this isn’t Aesop.

With wind sprinting skills and the slight, toned bodies of young Olympians, just because you can capture one by locking it in the pantry doesn’t mean it’s not the scourge of the Kombat ring. It probably means that, they don’t even wear clothes, but they can flatten a corn field like nobody’s business, so watch out.

Move List:

The Party Crasher:

Crop Circle Boot:

Fatality (The Water Wing) : 

 

The Guardian

Real Name: Reggie
Height 5’9”
Weight: 175lbs
Occupation: Compulsive wanker:

He lives with Paul Giamatti and M. Night in an apartment complex that has a pool that somehow goes to another world or something. Maybe just Ron Howard’s house. :

Reggie has one really big arm, like Homer in that one episode of the Simpsons, or those 100 other dudes in jokes about jerking off (see occupation listing above). He excels at uppercutting and arm wrestling. :

Move List:

The One Handed Bandit:

The Toss Off:

Fatality (The Five Knuckle Shuffler) : 

 

Oak Tree:

Real name: Quercus
Height: 70’
Weight: 25 tons
Occupation: Oak Tree:

The villainous deciduous bastard from The Happening is out to kill every Wahlberg it can, so long as there’s a bit of a breeze. We may have never seen the movie, but we read what people who saw it said, so we got the gist of things. :

More slow moving than the other combatants, what oak tree lacks in stealth and agility it make sup for in Dutch Elm Disease and weevils. :

Move List:

Pollinate:

The Growth Ringer:

Fatality (Timber!) :

 

The Devil:

Real Name: Lucifer
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 150lbs
Occupation: Prince of Darkness:

Shyamalan may not have directed Devil but he wrote the story and produced the movie and that’s good enough to put the Father of Lies into combat against the rest of the crew. The previews make it seem pretty clear he’s spending all day in an elevator, but that just means he’s committed to a good sight gag. Having not seen the movie yet, let’s just hope it doesn’t turn out that everyone’s been in hell the whole time. :

Naturally a dirty fighter, the Devil is skilled in underhanded trickery and kicks to the balls. Plus when you think you’ve killed him it turns out he was actually you the whole time and you just killed yourself. Wait, what? :

Move List:

El Santanico Pandemonium:

Devil May Not Cry:

Fatality (Eternal Tormentor): 

2 Responses to "Mortal Kombat: Shyamalan"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    His latest release “The Last Airbender” should be yet another pompus pile of crap like everything he’s directed, just look at the title… “airbender” – ahahahha