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MTV’s Latest Reality Show Is About a Bunch of Losers Who Don’t Have Sex

I’d rather eat a carafe full of army ants than watch MTV’s Virgin Territory. All I needed was the trailer to realize this.

In case you don’t wanna bother burning 1:43 of your life watching it above, the hook is simple: essentially, a bunch of narcissistic millennials agreed to have filmed the trials and tribulations of their…virginity. Yeah, that’s right. We’re not following the lives of people who fathered a child with their sister’s husband, a group of people gunning for the record of most Bhut Jolokia chili peppers consumed in one sitting, or a dating program that pairs dwarves with morbidly obese spina bifida sufferers — nothing interesting, just virgins.

MTV says it wants to use this program to possibly help young people in their own virginal trials and tribulations, but those of us with a quarter of a brain realize that it’s just another example of the network’s attempt to capitalize on all things sex. Thing is, MTV’s bright light is dimming with every year, post-Jersey Shore. Even if they wanted to show music videos again seriously, no one makes them anymore, and the network’s reality television offerings simply aren’t as compelling in the face of the changing zeitgeist: Just as we’re collectively over castaways stranded on an island, gorgeous women with zero self-esteem competing for the affections of a handsome hayseed and the trifling families of fading musicians, we’re somewhat over the “True Life” schtick as well. 

As a married thirty-something who was concerned about his own virginity two U.S. presidents ago, I’m sure I’m not the target demographic for this show, but I find these young people particularly grating with their talk about saving it for marriage and blah, blah, blah. And while I don’t advocate violence in most cases, I want to kick the girl who says, “No ringy, no dingy” in the thorax. When they all age about 10 years, they’ll realize how insignificant their virginity was to begin with, and if they aren’t married, the likelihood of them breaking down and letting slip the penis of war anyway is extremely likely.

Only way you’ll catch me watching Virgin Territory is if they create an NC-17 version where the people actually lose their virginity in front of the cameras. Even then, I’ll have the fast-forward button at the ready.

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