Twitter is the only social media platform I don’t hate. I hate Facebook, if you add me there I will not accept your request. It’s nothing personal. Foursquare? For losers. Pinterest? I don’t even understand that bullshit. I use Twitter because you can crack jokes, interact with thousands of people, get news the moment it happens and never be forced to sit through anyone’s long winded internet rants because the format just doesn’t allow it.
Of the almost 600 people I follow on Twitter, some are for business, some make me laugh, some make me angry before they make me laugh and some are friends. I shall now break down the elite Twitterati that I follow (excluding people who followed me who I then became friends with, who don’t count. Ha!), the best of the best, for your enjoyment.
Rob Delaney is on everyone’s favorite list and for good reason, the man is funny. I have no idea where he came from or if he’s just a room full of hilarious monkeys, and it doesn’t matter. I would sleep with him.
One of the few perks of my job is that, as a faceless entity of comedy, beautiful women are willing to speak with me. Of those women, Stephy is by far the most tolerant of my shenanigans and has never ignored me that I am aware of.
Jessica Vaugn is my first Twitter crush and we have plans to one day go on a water slide together that will never come to fruition but it’s a nice thought. She stood me up in Hollywood once already, I was distraught. She’s a heck of a nice person otherwise, though.
I met Tita this past summer at Fan Expo and, aside from being a Suicide Girl which is a thousand times awesome, she’s also the nicest person ever and she’s short which I find oddly endearing. But also she could beat me up because she’s ripped.
Victoria is a model and an actress who sometimes reads my stuff and doesn’t call me derptarded very often at all. She has an endless positivity but still uses foul language and I support that.
Way back when I first got the internet, or shortly thereafter, I discovered April Hunter and decided I would marry her. That never panned out but she was a wrestler and a model and I certainly enjoyed her work. Then I found her on Twitter and we occasionally chat while I do my best to remain completely uncreepy.
Angela Salvagno could kick my ass. I want to take her to lunch.
Despite how absolutely in character it would be for me to watch porn all the time, in fact I watch very little. But if I do watch porn, you can assume I’d watch Joanna Angel because she is awesome.
Ariel Rebel is pretty amazing – she’s absolutely cute as hell which never hurts anyone, she’s French Canadian so she knows what poutine is and she’s a killer chef as well. We’re supposed to have lunch sometime. You’ll notice lunches I never have is a recurring theme on Twitter.
I first saw Masuimi Max on fear Factor years ago, then found her again online when searching for something vaguely erotic, I assume. She’s a fetish model and she’s all tattooed so basically I have to like her.
How can you go wrong with an 80’s wrestler who swears constantly in broken English and hates Chris Brown and Hulk Hogan? You can’t.
Abbi Crutchfield is a comedian and in some circles a comedienne. She makes me laugh.
I’m not even sure who this wonderful person is but she’s pretty hilarious and is never predictable, which I find refreshing.
I love Susan Sarandon. I try to flirt with her regularly She has replied like three times.
Danny Zuker is one of the funniest dudes on Twitter and if you’re not following him you’re missing out on hilarity.
Arguably the best film site on the internet (except for Screen Junkies which is owned by Break.com! I love you, don’t fire me), Film Drunk will give you Hollywood news but will also make sure they make fun of everyone who deserves to be made fun of while they do.
I have no idea how I found this dude but he’s funny and make inappropriate jokes which are the best kind.
Ricky Gervais is probably one of the funniest comedians in the world today. His Twitter feed is 90% awesome with 10% trolling Christians. That part gets tiring, but the rest is alright.
You’ll notice a lot of Colin Quinn’s feed is him retweeting people insulting him because many, many people consistently don’t understand when he’s making jokes, perhaps because he’ll commit to a joke across hundreds of tweets and several days of making it.
If I recall correctly, Pauly Casillas rose to fame with some clever Twitter parody accounts and now he’s just a funny guy on his own account and the world is better for it. if I recall incorrectly, then shut up.
I like Amy Schumer because she’s just as filthy as a stevedore and also cute as a button. Aww.
Jim Norton is a killer a stand up and an all around foul yet somehow completely likeable guy.
Aw, it’s Shelby. She’s like a little comedy sister. Nah, we don’t talk that much. A cousin. She started at Cracked when she was 4 years old and has done very well for herself. I’m not jealous.
Side kick of Conan O’Brien and hilarious comedian in his own right, Andy Richter used to control the Universe but now he uses Twitter.
Patton Oswalt used to be on King of Queens, a show I refused to watch because Kevin James is comedy poison, but then I found out after that Oswalt is pretty funny.