My Cousin Knows A Guy That Knows A Guy That Works At Apple Who Saw The iPad 2 For A Second!

Dude, did you hear that rumor about Apple might show off the iPad 2 on March 2nd at some kind of tech conference thing? Yeah, man. And get this: my cousin knows a guy that knows a guy that works at the Apple offices in California how swears he saw the iPad 2 for, like, a second. He even said he overheard some executives talking about it while he was sitting on the toilet playing Angry Birds. I think his name is Todd, or Jason, or Willy or something like that. I don’t really know. But according to that dude, the iPad 2 is going to be so awesome.

He said they’re going to be changing the entire look of the device as well. It’s not going to look like a bigger version of an iPhone. It’s going to look a lot like a smaller version of the Glaive from Krull.

The guy also said that it’s finally going to have wind sock functionality. So after all that time we’ve wasted wondering which direction the wind was blowing in, now our iPads will be able to tell us by giving us the option to mount a 5 foot pole topped with a conical cloth right on the face of the iPad.

And if you that’s crazy-awesome, get a load of this: not only will the iPad 2 have gyroscopic technology, and an accelerometer, but it will have Gravitron technology installed in it out of the box. With the push of a button the thing will be able to spin and create the centrifugal force equivalent to three times the force of gravity. If you’re strong enough you’ll be able to stand on the pads as it spins. It even comes with its own version of Microsoft Office’s Clippy. But instead of an anthropomorphic paper clip giving you unwarranted tips and tricks, it’ll be a scrawny carney with a Fu Manchu and a purple vest lazily perusing a porno mag titled “Fist-tacular” while he occasionally gets filled with ennui every time someone vomits and creates a colorful spiral pattern of puke.

It’ll also do some other stuff that sounds cool that I personally would never really take advantage of. Like, it has a GPS feature that can guide you directly to any store that has a cassette copy of Sports by Huey Lewis And The News. And the iPad 2 will not only tell you when your battery is low, but it will also tell you when your self-esteem is running low. When that happens, it will instantly identify your mild sadness and attempt to remedy it by finding pictures of your enemies and sliding them in to news articles about rapists and murderers, and then it will Email the articles to you as a part of your New York Times daily newsletter. Conversely, if you’re feeling too good and happy, the iPad 2 will crudely draw sketches of your beloved pets being fired out of cannons and at jagged Irish cliff sides.

But it won’t find Picture This because the iPad 2 isn’t a piece of shit, unlike Picture This

All of this comes from a pretty trustworthy source, who got the info from a guy that I don’t know, who got it from a guy that I’ve heard is kind of a dick, who got it from a guy that works at Apple, so I’d be really, genuinely surprised if any of it turned out to not be true.

I guess on March 2nd we’ll find out if my inside scoop is right.

Oh, and I also heard something about how if you stab it with the sword of Michael, the Heavenly Archangel, it bleeds.