My Ideal Woman’s Online Dating Profile

Women, if the “about me” section in your online dating profile reads anything like this, and you have health insurance, I will marry you TONIGHT!

I’m a fun girl who likes do drink and party, but don’t worry, I won’t get too crazy because I love being the designated driver. Someone’s gotta make sure you get home safe! I like to go to the gym regularly, but it’s totally ok if you don’t. In fact, I prefer that you don’t. I’ve always liked chubby guys. I’m 28, but everyone says I look 19. I have my own place with lots of nice furniture and no candles.

Do you like cats? I have one but it’s kind of like a dog. I also have a dog, but it’s a more masculine breed so when you make the nice gesture and agree to walk it once in a while, you won’t feel totally emasculated!

I think babies are kind of gross. I technically don’t have any parents or immediate family so that means you won’t have to win anyone’s approval. And since I don’t really have a daddy I can’t have daddy issues. You’ll probably enjoy having a girlfriend that’s not constantly trying to recreate the traumatic events of her childhood.

I have a lot of guy friends. JUST KIDDING! I don’t have any! And all my ex-boyfriends died or moved to other countries so we never communicate with one another. And I know it’s a bit forward of me, seeing as though this is totally public, but I’ve only been with five guys. That’s just enough to have experience, but not enough to have a sloppamapuss. LOL.

You can see what I look like, obviously, I’ve got plenty of pictures shot from forward angles in clothing that are somewhat tight and revealing, but not slutty. I hope you’re cute but I don’t really care. I received a large grant from the government because I am a test tube baby, but I still work. I’m a nurse.

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fillamento/3000799684/