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My New Pink Button: Product of the Day

Don’t you just hate faded and discolored labia?  And do you have any idea how long I, as a writer, have been waiting to type that sentence and have it be relevant to something?  What a day for a daydream today is.

My New Pink Button is, near as I can tell, a real product designed to help women return that fun pink hue to their crotches after years of misuse and heavy traffic has left it somewhere between a cappuccino brown and old beef grey.  I haven’t stopped smiling since I found their website.

Here, read what the site says;

My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

Isn’t that awesome? It’s temporary vaj dye.  That’s a thing.  A thing you can apply to your vaj.  Ha ha ha!  Ha ha ha ha!  Yes!

The website offers up four flavors or shades or whatever, named after famous ladies of the 50’s because in the 50’s everyone had an electric pink vagina that could blind a sailor at 30 paces.  If you’re timid, you can start with Marilyn, which is the lightest shade on the market.  So if you’re not super adventurous or everyone is used to seeing your vag and you don’t want a really abrupt change, like a bald guy suddenly showing up in a wig, you’ll want to go with this shade.

Next up is Bettie, which is described thusly – This shade blends with a woman’s own skin tones to bring out that ‘sexy hot pink, I am fired up, look’. Go dancing this weekend and remember to bring ‘Bettie’ along!”  Finally, a color in which your vagina can go dancing.

For a more daring lady there’s Ginger which the site describes with the word “Ginger-licious” which is not a word at all.  Lastly there’s Audry – “this is the deepest, darkest color that we offer to give you a bold burgundy pink color. Perfect for everyone, and your own base color will determine the depth of this shade. Tonight it’s Show time!!”

Nothing beats a bold burgundy pink vagina, I can say that as an expert in things that sound hilarious regardless of context.  It sounds like some kind of sherbet that’s being described, or possibly anything other than human genitals.  I like to think this was named after Audrey Hepburn, because it really fits with her image (she was known for having a remarkably vivid vagina) and because they spelled Audrey wrong.  That’s the sign of a good vagina dye.

According to the site, this vag dye was designed by certified paramedical esthetician Karan Mari.  So this shit is like full on hospital quality cookie coloring.  Karan developed this stuff after discovering her own genital color loss.  Can you imagine?  She woke up one day and her field of dreams had turned into something like cream of leek soup and, instead of being defeated, she went on a mission to design the best damn crotch lacquer she could come up with.

The reviews on the site are just as awesome as the product itself and include gems like this:

I am young, and wanted to change the color of “my girl” from olive-purplish to pink. This is a very red-pink. It definitely covered my original shade. It is kind of funny to think about using this, but it is almost like putting Kool-aid there. And, it’s about the color of strawberry Kool-aid. It washed off, but doesn’t rub off during love-making. It burns if you put too much on, or use it other places.

Kool Aid!  Olive-purple!  Burning!  God, I love this sit.  Let’s read another!

For a long time I have felt my sex lust decreasing, much due to the fact that my wife is getting older and lesser attractive for each year. One of my biggest concerns has been the unattractive gray colour which her labia has attained during recent years. It simply isn’t pleasing to the eye anymore. We’ve tried all sorts of things to spice it up, from car batteries and buttplugs, to whips and strap-ons, all to no avail. In hindsight most of these things were just silly, since they didn’t get to the root of the problem, which of course was her labia.

Yes, every single review on the site seems to be a joke, but I think the product itself is real, and that’s pretty awesome.  Ladies – unlock the cartoon-colored vagina of your dreams!

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