I see you over there; looking at me from the next aisle. I see your beady little eyes peering between that box of delicious Triscuit’s and that package of those little penguin shaped crackers that I am so very keen on. You can’t help but look at me. You must. Your eyes are drawn to me for the same reason your eyes are drawn to the water whenever the wet, silvery fin of a shark breaks the water’s shimmering surface; paralyzing fear.
Oh no! What will happen to the internet?
You’re right to be afraid, because you know deep down that I am tough. I’m tougher than a $2 steak and you can’t get that fact out of your mind. Have you ever seen me fight? The answer is “no” hombre. Truth is I’ve never been in a fight. I’ve never needed to. It seems to me that fighting would be a waste of my time given the fact that my victory is the only plausible outcome. How can I be so certain? Simple: My t-shirt says I’m tougher than you.
I’ve got a wide variety of t-shirts that terrify. I never know when I’m going to run in to some hard-on at Denny’s who may need to be straightened out with some of my special brand of fashion-intimidation, or fashtimidation as I call it. No, it was fashtidation or intimishion or something. No it was definitely fashtimidation. I’m pretty sure. Anyway, my shirts fall in to 4 main categories of fashation. Damn it!
Category 1 – Beer Shirts
Nothing says, “badass” like a beer shirt. Also, nothing says, “I like free shirts” like a beer shirt. The best part about beer shirts is that there are so many different brands of beer out there that the t-shirt selection is virtually endless, and each brand has its own unique tough-guy vibe to it. You can tell a lot about a man by the type of beer shirt he is wearing. For instance, a Labatt 50 t-shirt says, “I am either Canadian or I know someone from Canada. Either way, I may be able to drink gasoline”. You don’t wanna eff with somebody like that. And if you ever see someone in a Colt-45 t-shirt, take my advice and run the other way. A Colt-45 t-shirt says, “I can only afford to buy one beer a day so I buy these 40oz monstrosities and then supplement my liquid diet by drinking homemade booze made from fermenting apple cores and water in a zip-lock baggie. I piss myself a lot. I may or may not be carrying an actual Colt-45 pistol”. Now that’s tough!
Not all beer shirts have to directly reference a particular brand of beer to be tough. A general reference to beer will suffice. As long as people know that there is potential for alcohol-fuelled volatility, the shirt is doing the trick. Your shirt could say anything ranging from “I ♥ Beer” to “Pour Beer Here ↑”. It will all have the same effect: terror cubed!
Even girls can be tough!
Category 2 – MMA Shirts
I have a vast array of MMA shirts. Whether I’m decked out in gear from Extreme Couture, TapouT, Fairtex, or even One More Round, one look at me and you’ll know that I’ve seen a fight before; maybe even several. From a safe vantage point, I know what a triangle choke looks like once it’s applied; I imagine slapping it on someone is the easy part. My belly may be soft, but my fists are hard as you will no doubt become keenly aware of once you see me in my Chuck Liddell t-shirt. Do you think that a wrecking-ball of a fighter like “The Iceman” would let just any wuss sport his likeness on the front of a stretched out cotton/poly blend? Hell no!
At this point you may be asking, “Have you ever actually trained in the martial arts”? I’ll pass that question along to the redundancy department of redundancy. Training is for guys who need to prove something. There is nothing I can prove that my Jesus Didn’t Tap t-shirt hasn’t proved already.
I don’t see his hands tapping. Do you?
Category 3 – Tight Shirts
Some of my shirts are so tight that seeing me in them will take your breath away, but in a much different way than they take mine. Sometimes I literally can’t expand my lungs enough to take in air. That’s ok though; breathing is for nerds and girls. As I slowly regain consciousness on the floor of Starbucks with my spandex shirt hugging me like a mother bear hugs her young but ferocious cub, I see your fright shining through your grinning chops and pointing finger. You put on a brave face but you can’t fool me and more importantly, you can’t fool the shirt; it sees through you, much like you can see through it after one too many washes.
Whether it makes one tougher to work out until one’s shirts naturally fit tighter or to just buy really tight shirts is a topic that is often hotly debated…by stupid douches. In my eyes, effective time management equals toughness and it only took me an average of 8 minutes per shirt to fill my wardrobe with gut-hugging fashion gold from the local thrift shop. Bench press that Johnny Squat-Thrust!
I haven’t loaded any pics of myself in my tight shirts on MySpace yet, but they would look like this…..only with less homo-erotic muscles
Category 4 – Slogan T-Shirts
It takes a special kind of toughness to subvert the established t-shirt status quo, and there is nothing better for getting the job done than slogan t-shirts.
Slogan t-shirts say everything that lesser men would not have the cajones to say out loud. Obviously I would never be afraid to say any of these things out loud, but of course I don’t have to because I have the shirts. No, YOU’RE circular logic!
Whether I coolly stare you down in my “Your Wife Wants to Bang Me” shirt or I send shivers up your spine with my “I’m a Legend in Thailand” chemise, you are likely to feel the warm sensation of urine trickling down your leg as you quake with terror like Bastian anticipating the arrival of The Nothing. And quake you should, because Falkor isn’t coming to save you; neither is Atreyu or the Childlike Empress. What a shitty movie.
The bottom line is, you’re weak like a baby and I am a God-like Adonis. The proof is in the polyester.