Read this – M Night Shyamalan had a meteoric rise to fame then proceeded to make nothing but shitty movies. TWIST ENDING!
That was a tweet you won’t find on twitter. Know why? It was eaten by the internet. That’s not true, I posted it as a reply to someone else but, for whatever reason, I could not tweet it directly. This is not the first time this has happened.
9 times out of 10 if I try to make a joke at M Night Shyamalan’s expense, it simply won’t post on Twitter. I cannot account for this. It has never happened with any other topic, Shyamalan is the only common link between these posts that say they have posted but never appear on the site. I am forced to assume there is some software actively working or working improperly on Twitter that filters out jokes about M Night Shyamalan. Does that even broach sense? No. Not at all. But here we are.
It is therefore my belief that Twitter itself is part of some insidious M Night Shyamalan plot to make a horrendous multimedia shit ticket brain fart that will culminate in a self congratulatory twist that none of us will give a shit about and that will, in turn, make Shyamalan angry and force him to explain why none of us get how smart he is.
Now the question becomes, what exactly is M Night Shyamalan up to? Clearly I’ve already uncovered a portion of it, but what’s his game? Let’s analyze what we know about Shyamalan already from his film catalogue which is more appropriately called his celluloid diarrhea bin.
The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis is only friends with a small boy and the reason is that he’s dead and no one else can see him. Twist!
Unbreakable: Bruce Willis is a hero because he survived a train crash but he sucks at swimming. Sam Jackson is weak as a kitten but is still evil and has insane hair. Twist?
Signs: The dumbest aliens in the universe arrive naked on earth and are defeated by a bit of faith and a lot of water and baseball bats. Twist!
The Village: Idiots live in the woods, try to pretend leaving the woods is horrible, secretly the world is normal and they’re weirdos. Twisty!
Lady in the Water: There’s a lady in the water. Also an evil porcupine dog, a guy who masturbates with one arm and M Night Shyamalan will write a book that saves the world. No twist.
The Happening: Trees hate Marky Mark.
The Last Airbender: A boy doesn’t follow the source material.
Devil: A handful of people are stuck on an elevator with an M Night Shyamalan script.
See the common link? It’s a bit hard to discern from these succinct and terribly accurate synopses but the key facet is exponentially more lazy and unwatchable filmmaking. How does that relate to my Twitter conundrum? New paragraph!
M NIGHT SHYAMALAN IS ADAPTING TWITTER INTO A FEATURE FILM!
Twitter: The Movie will feature nothing but tweets for 2 hours and 40 minutes and M Night himself in the main role as a man who dares to tweet more than 140 characters at a time EVEN THOUGH THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!
Shyamalan has been trying to silence me for months now but I won’t stand for it, and neither should you. Because if you do, he’s just going to keep making shitty films and then have the audacity to blame you for not liking them. I invite you to attempt to tweet the following sentence - M Night Shyamalan once shit in my swimming pool. If the tweet disappears it means he’s still in control. Try until you get through. Spread the word!