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The MySpace Wasteland: 4 Creepy Things To Experience With Your Lonely MySpace Account

Myspace logo

MySpace was once a powerhouse in the world of social networking. Everyone remembers spending hours and hours navigating through the profiles of ex-girlfriends, ex-best friends, and random people you haven’t seen since elementary school that you kind of want to bang, which is weird, because you’re last memory of them — before you saw that picture where their boobs were nestled up near their chin — featured them as an 8-year-old child that was picking their nose just before vomiting at the lunch table. 

Creepy semi-pedophilic thoughts aside, MySpace is a bit of a train-wreck now. The slowness of the site – what with the over-abundance of animated .gif files, songs, and music videos – stands in stark contrast to the comparatively sleek elegance of Facebook. But have you signed in to your MySpace profile lately? Do you even remember your log in info? Well, we did.

After having not signed on in well over a year, we mustered up the courage to traverse the once holy grounds of MySpace to see if anything had changed.

Nothing’s Changed.

It’s still the same old disappointment of a social networking site that Facebook and Twitter made us realize it was. But after a few minutes of exploring, we found ourselves having a little bit of fun with MySpace. It was almost as if we were those kids in Stand By Me and we had been sucked in to the digital world of Tron, only to poke at the bloated dead body of a once powerful program that was left near a train track made of 1’s and 0’s.

We were so mildly amused with our actions that we decided to share them with you.

The Emptiness

Road

 

Sifting through the profiles of everyone on your friends list was once an act that felt like a watered down version of voyeurism. Knowing that the owner of the profile you were looking at was “Online!” at that moment made it feel as if you were peering in through their window as they undressed.

But now that most of your friends have probably moved on to other social networking sites, your friends list will probably feel like the town you grew up in…after a zombie apocalypse has killed everybody you knew and loved. Navigating from page to page feels like wandering from one empty, dusty, dilapidated house to another, while occasionally catching glimpses of comments and blog posts that– like a wrist watch after an EMP blast – give the entire page this weird frozen-in-time sensation, making it all feel a little eerie.
 
Marvel At How Quickly You Get Spammed Once You Log In

 

Spam

Since our initial exploratory sign in mission to check on the status of the fabled Lost City of MySpace, we have signed in a few times more just for shits and giggles. Every time, without fail, we’ve gotten an instant friend request from a spammer. It’s like being frozen for a few hundred years, and then waking up to see that the world is currently being populated by nothing but robots that feed on acceptance.

In this dystopian future world, humans are a rarity, so the machines have to try to make friends with whatever flora and fauna is around them. The machines are malnourished because of this. But on the rare occasion that a human pops their head out of a hole to check if the coast is clear, the scratchy red grids that encompass the robot’s vision lights up with human detection signals. At that moment, the machines pounce on the human life with generic phrases they think we find enticing: “hEY! SexY!@ how R u? Im new in town & I’m looking to have som fun?”

The only thing worse than the human race nearly being a faint memory is being one of the final humans alive and dealing with lonely and needy AI.

Read Private Messages From The Few People That Still Use MySpace

 

Twilight Zone

Alas! There are some signs of life in this charred wasteland! It’s in your inbox!
 
One thing we noticed is how the few stragglers that got left behind in the Great FaceBook Migration of ’08 are still there, and have been occasionally sending you messages from the great beyond, as if you could even respond from your new life in the blissful afterlife that is Facebook and Twitter and the like.

These are usually the people that have done something with their lives that require some manner of promotion in order for them to attain some kind of success – models, bands, rappers, artists, pot dealers. What makes it even stranger is the fact that among all of the people you know, none of them still use MySpace.  And none of the people they know use it either.  This begs the question: if you send a message to someone on MySpace, did you really even send the message at all? It’s like the classic Tree In The Woods conundrum, only with more gifs of cartoon kittens on rainbows. 

Wonder What The Hell Tom Is Doing With His Time

 

Tom

So you’ve spent at least 2 minutes walking the grounds you once called home, only to find the burnt remains of your past life. Of all the questions that will run through your mind during this journey, one will surpass them all in terms of importance. Only one will leave you truly puzzled and bewildered: what the hell is Tom doing with his time? Does he still run the joint?

In July of 2005, News Corp. purchased MySpace for $580 million. Since then, MySpace has been strumming its guitar on the sidewalk and, apparently, News Corp hasn’t tossed a dime in to their open guitar case since. While Facebook has grown and evolved in to the 2nd most visited site on the internet, MySpace has plummeted to 25th, which, in real world terms, is the equivalent of winning the World Series one year, and then having your entire team arrested for cocaine and spousal abuse the next.

It seems as though everyone at MySpace now shows up to work, fires up their computers, then plays World of Warcraft all day, while only occasionally firing off progress reports to the Powers That Be over at News Corp. informing them of their band’s next performance.

Yes, it’s a sad state that MySpace has found itself in. But you have to wonder, will we one day type the letters F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K in to our address bars and find that the most recent of all our friend’s status updates was written 2 years prior?

16 Responses to "The MySpace Wasteland: 4 Creepy Things To Experience With Your Lonely MySpace Account"

  1. guess what says:

    i hate college and all the social networking that came from it!

  2. Somebuddaaaay says:

    Surprisingly well-written.

  3. Nihilis says:

    i don’t even care

  4. Colleen says:

    Loved this article. It is creepy to log in to Myspace now.

  5. Suck_it says:

    MySpace Sux

  6. Dr POoPenHEiNZ says:

    not as good as you though

  7. Noodlez says:

    best article i have read in a while on here. The end wasn’t very good though

  8. a dude... says:

    meh,its all the same,myspace,facebook,twitter…..etc,I say its a waste of time,yet still there is just a few ppl in my whole town who dont have a fb acc….kinda funny how u make ms look now….reminds me of a horror movie kinda….

  9. dipsomaniac says:

    myspace 4 life bro

  10. kcmo says:

    facebook cannot die like myspace, all of my grandparents have one. what are the odds that they will ever stop using it?

  11. Anonymous IV says:

    dude, your grandparents have a facebook account. It’s time to give it up. I suggest twitter if you can’t bare to be without fake internet “friends”.

  12. DVDMASTER says:

    Hey Where the FUCK! Is my First comment I had up there?

  13. JP says:

    You all suck. I still live off my AOL free demos from 1995

  14. w/e says:

    w/e

  15. Anonymous IV says:

    Facebook sucks balls, just not as much as myspace.