Naming a child isn’t as simple as getting wasted and just yelling a few random syllables at a baby. If it was, my name would still be Jesus No. In fact, a lot of thought should go into naming a child; it’s a label they have to carry with them forever. Unfortunately, a lot of parents seem to really half ass it these days. In light of that, we have some rules for you.
Angus. Dick. Mitt. These are crotch names. Dick is what you call a dick, in case you hadn’t heard. And I will keep insisting that Mitt is a synonym for vagina until my dying day. Now you may be confused by Angus but remember, it’s only a hop-skip-shuffle to turn Angus into either Wangus or Anus, neither of which is appropriate for a baby. Probably. Try to avoid these names at all costs.
Any State Names
Florida is not now nor has it ever been a name. Neither is Montana with apologies to every Montana out there. At the very outer edge of reason are the names Virginia and Georgia, but that also implies your child is from the turn of the last century, so avoid them as well. And just because there are two Dakotas that name has no additional legitimacy and will force your child to grow up as a pretentious underwear model or a Nickelodeon star who will inevitably commit a number of DUI offences. Do you really want to be that irresponsible as a parent?
One needs only look at the name BJ to realize naming your child anything that can be reduced to initials is terrible. AC Slater. DJ Tanner. CM Punk. TJ Hooker. Cut that out. If you want to give your kid two first names you need to accept that fact that you’re wrong and bad at name making. You only get one first name and do you know why? It’s called a first name. It’s your first name. If you have a second one it automatically becomes second because two things can’t be first. This is basic shit, people. So give your kid one name. Call him Tony. Or Luke. Or Bob. Not Bobby Joe so you can abbreviate it to BJ because come on. And don’t you dare use a hyphen you sick SOB.
Chardonnay, Margarita, Hennessy, Midori, these are all names of booze that have no business being attached to a human barring the odd porn star. It’s not even that they’re potentially bad names in and of themselves, it’s that people are automatically going to assume that the booze in question was heavily involved in the child’s conception and that you are a raging alcoholic.
Virtues and Values
Have you ever met someone you liked name Chastity? Or Charity? Patience? Hope? Temperance? Of course not. If you happen to have one of those names and are confuse right now I’m sorry you had to come to Holy taco to find out no one likes you. At least know it’s not your fault, it’s your parents and their slapdash attempt at naming, opting for verbiage instead of actual names. And even though there’s a long history of these names, nothing changes the fact they seem just this side of smarmy and arrogant. No one believes you’re chaste, Chastity. No one.
Speaking of verbs, ever since Boy Meets World we’ve been burdened with the knowledge that people out there think Rider is a name. Then there’s Hunter, Archer, Thatcher, Racer and a host of other jazzy action verbs that are not names. They’re not. They’re things you do. You don’t call a kid Shitter. Whiner. Goat Humper. I mean, you could, but that seems unusually cruel. So have a care when it comes to tossing out action verbs.
Cody or Toby
Both of these names are terrible.