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Naming Superheroes According to B-List Character Rules

If you’ve spent any time reading comic books, watching comic book movies or enjoy the myriad of comic book cartoons, odds are you’re passingly familiar with superheroes and their alternate identities.  I would wager all of you know that Batman’s real name is Bruce Wayne and Spiderman is Peter Parker.  What you may not be aware of is the crazy world of alternate identities that exist for lesser known characters, those supporting characters, both heroes and villains, that make up the superhero world.

Here’s a shirt list of characters, see if you notice a pattern

Harley Quinn – Real Name: Harleen Quinzel

Dr. Octopus – Real Name: Otto Octavius

Jubilee – Real Name: Jubilation Lee

The Riddler – Real Name: Edward Nygma

Mr. Freeze- Real Name: Victor Fries

Did you see it?  Of course you did, it hit you in the face like a goddamn mallet swung by a moron who likes puns.  Secondary characters far too often suffer the fate of terrible pun names.  I mean seriously, Harleen Quinzel became Harley Quinn?  Shut up.  Just shut up.

However, knowing what we know about the terrible naming of secondary characters, doesn’t it seem like you could have some awesome main characters if they followed the same rules?  Hell yes we could.  Let’s check ‘em out!

Superman – Real Name: Manfred Superson

From the sleepy town of Smallville, Kansas, little Manfred Superson grew up knowing he was different than the other kids.  One day, after saving a schoolbus full of chums from drowning his dad, Pa Superson, told him the terrible secret – he was from another planet!  He was Superman!  Oh shit, son!

Batman – Real Name: Manolo Batowsky

Son of billionaire industrialist Richie Batowsky, young Manolo watched as his parents were gunned down by some thug ass thug in Gotham City.  Raised by his butler Alfred, Manolo vowed vengeance on the criminal underbelly of Gotham and used his immense wealth to help devise his alter ego – the Batman!

Wolverine – Real Name: Rene Wolfer

Born in the wilds of Canada a super long time ago (how long?  Depends on who’s writing the story), little Rene Wolfer underwent a brutal mutation that manifested in the form of an incredible healing ability and beastly claws made of bone.  Then later some shit happened and they put metal on the claws and he’s super angry and whatnot.

Daredevil – Real Name: Darren Devlin

Damn, this one was too easy.

Ghost Rider – Real Name: Gomer St. Rider

Nic Cage was born Gomer St. Rider, a stunt rider and all around bad ass, but not too bad ass, who makes a deal with a low level devil to save the life of his ad or girlfriend or this really important package from Amazon, in exchange for becoming the Ghost Rider, a dude whose skull is on fire and who doesn’t suck, despite what everything seems to indicate.

Captain America – Real Name: Amos Eric Acapita

At first he was a skinny bitch, but then he let some strange men inject him with something secret and then he got big and strong.  Be a good American and let strange men inject you with mystery drugs!

Thor – Real Name: Thad Orson

Son of the God Odin Orson.

Iron Man – Real Name: Manderly Ferro

Brilliant but stumblebum drunk scientist Manderly Ferro creates weapons for a living and then makes himself a weapon with a really cool suit that any responsible government would confiscate immediately.

Hulk – Real Name: Hubert Ulk

When brilliant scientist Hubert Ulk really screws up at work, he turns into a massive green dude.  That is seriously a terrible workplace accident.  Like, this should never happen.  It’s bad when someone gets cut, this is ridiculous.

Spiderman – Real Name: Mansfield Spiderton

Depending on who you listen to, Mansfield Spiderton was raised by his aunt and uncle, maybe because his  parents were freaky scientists but maybe not, and maybe one day he gets bit by a radioactive spider, or a genetically altered one, and then develops spider powers, or has to accent them with some science.  Whatever.  Point is he climbs walls.

 

Green Lantern- Real Name: Lance Greentern

First he was a dude, then an alien gave him a ring and so basically the ring is his power.  He’s like a guy with a really good gun.

Punisher – Real Name: Usher Punizel

Police officer Usher Punizel pissed off John Travolta so Travolta killed his family and that made Punizel go batshit crazy.

Wonder Woman – Real Name: Wanda Wo’Manson

Wo’Manson could be a last name.  Shut up.

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