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New Jersey Middle School Bans Hugging. Will Soon Ban Joy, Smiles, Puppies

“It seems it’s easier to get the cold shoulder than it is to get a warm hug here in Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School…” is the absolutely awful opening line used by a Fox affiliate in New Jersey (which you can find here) during the reporting of a story about a middle school that has banned its students from hugging each other.


The stern rule stems from “incidents of unsuitable, physical interactions,” according to the school’s principal. I assume “unsuitable, physical interactions” means “all of our students are mobsters that have all betrayed each other and use the close physical contact of a hug to subtly stab each other in the stomachs while whispering ‘I know it was you that spread the rumor that I made-out with Pimple-Faced Pete, Jenni with an “I”. I’ve always loved you…’”

So far, no one has elaborated on how the hugs were “unsuitable,” unless there’s some weird local New Jersey slang in which “hug” actually means “meth.” If that were the case, then yes, by all means, ban “hugs.” But it’s pretty difficult to imagine how a hug could be construed as in any way improper. Unless, of course, the students of Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School have found an extremely clever way to give each other clandestine handjobs on school grounds. If my entirely made up theory proves to be true, it would explain why no one has gone in to detail on the nature of the hugs – they’ve put a lockdown on all information leaks so this clandestine handjob technique doesn’t spread to other states, and eventually, around the globe. It’s like a movie about a viral outbreak — but with hugs.

So, how do I end this article? Hm. How about I steal the line the reporter mentioned above used to close her segment?

“So, even if this little conflict gets resolved, I’m not sure they’ll be hugging it out.”

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