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New Zealand Is Trying To Cripple The internet’s Ability To Write Lazy Articles About Weird Baby Names


Go head. Type the words “weird baby names” in to Google and see what happens. If your search results are anything like mine, 0.16 seconds after you hit enter you will receive “about 6,230,000” links, all centered around the weird names parents have bestowed upon their children – a lot of which are celebrity baby names, because there’s nothing finer in this world than a list of things you will turn in to reasons that confirm your suspicion that all famous people are the lunatics you characterize them to be.

New Zealand, a country known best for doubling as a fictional land filled with talking trees and harry-footed midgets, announced they will be cracking down on all parents that wish to give their newly born children strange, out-of-the-ordinary names. New Zealand has even gone as far as creating a list of specific names they’ve officially banned. Included on the list are Lucifer, Duke, Messiah, and, very specifically, the number 89. 88 and 90, on the other hand? Go ahead. Those aren’t weird at all.

While I’m sure New Zealand’s intentions are purely noble, they have no idea what kind of ramifications their actions will have on the world at large; specifically, what ramifications this name-banning will have on the internet’s need to constantly and lazily produce list articles rattling off a series of names that that are original, even if they are, in fact, weird and stupid.

If this idea of banning “weird” baby names spreads, as it has in countries such as Sweden and the Dominican Republic, as stated in the article I’m sourcing this information from, to major English-speaking countries like America, England, and Canada, then New Zealand will have played a huge part in destroying one of the corner stones of the internet. It’d be like removing all pictures of cats and all videos of people getting hit in the dick while lip dubbing a shitty song.

Without weird baby names, and subsequently, without lists informing us of the stupidity of said baby names, how will we know which names have been deemed stupid by people on the internet we will never meet and won’t care about when they die? What faceless person on the internet will tell us that we probably shouldn’t pick a name like Moxy Crimefighter, just like Penn Jillette did when he named his daughter? If there isn’t a compendium of names compiled by some lazy prick trying to maximize his SEO and get cheap, unearned page hits that up his Google page rank, thus leading to more unearned page hits, then how will we lazy writers of the internet do? Be original? Come up with something worth reading that hasn’t been retreaded literally millions of times — about 6,230,000 times, to be a little bit more precise?


We like our generic lists of weird baby names, celebrity-given or not. And you, New Zealand, or any country, for that matter, shall ever them away from us!

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