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Newt Gingrich Just Showed Up To Our Swingers Party

So here’s some gross news: One woman is not enough to satisfy Newt Gingrich. According to his ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, he wanted an open marriage. Well, he wanted it to officially be an open marriage. To Newt, it had already been pretty open. He was boning the woman he ended up marrying after he left Marianne, while he was still married to Marianne. It’s difficult being a powerful, girl-hungry man like Newt.

If we had to venture a guess, knowing Newt’s social status and level of creepery, we’d say he was probably into swinging. Because that’s what most old men do when they tire of their wives and start taking boner pills.

Scene 1

(Alex and Jason sit naked on a couch, watching their wives awkwardly make out on the living room floor.)

ALEX: Well, I just get mine from this website. It’s based in India, or Mexico. Somewhere brown.

JASON: Yeah? And you haven’t had any problems? That sounds so cheap, that’d scare me.

ALEX: Well, I got a bad batch once. But the only thing it did was make the tips of my fingers swell up like ET. But Anne got really into that anyway, so it worked out.

JASON: That doesn’t sound too awful. Maybe I’ll start ordering from there.

ALEX: Has yours kicked in yet?

JASON: What are you blind? I’m at one-hundred and ten percent over here.

ALEX: Sorry, I can’t see anything in my periphery with this mask on.

JASON: Why are we wearing these masks, anyway? We all know who we are.

ALEX: Because I invited like twelve other people.

(Someone knocks at the door.)

ALEX: Come in!

(Two more women and two more men enter. All four wearing trench coats and Mardis Gras masks.)

ALEX: There’s drinks in the kitchen, just grab a martini off the tray or pour yourself something from the bar.

(A white-haired man, older, about six feet tall, well groomed, looks at Alex. The man reaches into his trench coat pocket and pulls out a bottle of something green.)

WHITE-HAIRED MAN: Thanks, I brought my own!

JASON: (to Alex) That old guy looks like Newt Gingrich.

ALEX: Because it is Newt Gingrich.

JASON: What?!

ALEX: We met him at Hedonism last Summer. Don’t say anything. Just be cool.

(The white-haired man, Newt Gingrich comes back from the kitchen naked, holding the green bottle.)

NEWT GINGRICH: You guys want some of this? It’s absinthe, totally illegal, gets you super sh.t-faced.

(Alex and Jason stare at Newt, then stare at the group of women, now making out on the floor.)

NEWT GINGRICH: Yes, I’m Newt Gingrich. You guys better not say a f.cking word about this to anyone… Haha. You’re all so freaked out by my presence, you lost your boners. I’m gonna go sleep with your wives while you two dummies sit on the couch and figure out how you’re going to deal with this.


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