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NFL Teams Make Terrible Rap Songs

Do you often mistake Jerry Rice for Jay-Z? Jim McMahon for Method Man? No, you don’t. That’s because in the 80s a few NFL teams thought it would be a good idea to make rap songs with repetitive lyrics, cheesy special effects and embarrassing dance moves. Here are six of them.

Miami Dolphins – Can’t Touch Us – Watch more free videos
6. Miami Dolphins – Can’t Touch Us
This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF and Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube. [Editor's Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He's the Jackie Robinson of punting.]

San Francisco 49ers Rap Song – Watch more free videos
5. SF 49ers – We’re The 49ers
Apparently Jerry Rice borrows his rapping skills from Stephen Hawking and his sweaters from Bill Cosby.

LA Raiders Rap Song Silver and Black Attack – Watch more free videos
4. LA Raiders – Silver and Black Attack
Okay, this one from the Raiders stint in LA starts a little slow, but I BEG OF YOU to go to the 2:50 mark and watch an offensive lineman pretend to solo on a guitar, then watch them attempt to seamlessly transition from that, to Matt Millen rapping. He has less charisma than my desk chair. Plus, my desk chair didn’t ruin the Detroit Lions.

Cincinnati Bengals Fear Da Tigers Rap Song – Watch more free videos
3. Cincinnati Bengals – Fear Da Tigers
This 2005 addition to the NFL rap pantheon tried to bring a higher production level to the NFL hip hop song. Recruiting funk legend Bootsy Collins to write your team’s theme song might sound like cheating. Until you hear the song. Then it still sounds like crap.

LA Rams Rap Song – Watch more free videos
2. LA Rams – Rammin’ It
Okay, when a bearded man in stretch pants sings, “I like to ram it as you can see, no one likes to ram it more than me,” you potentially leave yourself open to ridicule. The only thing missing in this video is a backdrop of two dudes 69ing.

Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle Rap Song – Watch more free videos
1. Chicago Bears – Super Bowl Shuffle
There’s the Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel and the Super Bowl Shuffle. This is the NFL rap song by which all other rap songs are measured. Seven minutes of pure football rapping heaven. When backup quarterback Steve Fuller lays down pioneering lyrics like, “I’m not here to feathers ruffle, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle,” you know you have finally created an artistic masterpiece.

11 Responses to "NFL Teams Make Terrible Rap Songs"

  1. Mistro says:

    But you’ve forgot to mention the 1976 song by the Dallas Cowboys called “Bicentennial Football Champs”. Yes, it’s that old. I’ve been trying to find a copy of that song for years now. Yes, it’s hoakey, but that’s my team.

  2. Jeff Chicago says:

    I am a huge Bears fan, and would have been upset if the Superbowl shuffle was not in the top 3. So thank you.

  3. JD says:

    All I have to say about the LA Ram’s song is… that’s what she said.

  4. I know this is a football list, but you can’t do a sports-related rap list without the 80′s Lakers’ Just Say No rap: http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=443902 This thing is so chock full of greatness: AC Green and his jheri curls, short shorts, Michael Cooper looking like Pookie from New Jack City, Pat Riley rapping in his armani dress shirt, and best of all, Kurt Rambis rapping. Kurt Rambis people!! Instant Classic!

  5. MarkB says:

    He doesn’t say “I’m not here to feathers ruffle, He says “If I’m not here, the feathers ruffle”

    Not that it’s any better.

  6. You missed one says:

    love you guys, but there was one team from Glasgow that you missed

    Oh Yeah I’m talking about the Diamonds Man

  7. Chris says:

    Does anyone still have the “Iron Mike” song? I think that might have been Chicago Bears too

  8. Cory says:

    Ahhh…the Super Bowl Shuffle.

    The credits list “#8 Maury Buford….Cowbell”

    The dude definately didn’t get enough air time….MORE COWBELL!

  9. CJ says:

    WOW…that list is good but #1 on the best sports teams rap songs has to be the 1992 Portland Trail Blazers with BUST-A-BUCKET… WOW what a Great Song!!!

  10. Huh? says:

    Come on everybody let’s scream and yell, we’re going to do the shuffle and ring your bell???

  11. matt says:

    that is by far the worst rap song i have ever heard. nvm almost as bad as shaq