Do you often mistake Jerry Rice for Jay-Z? Jim McMahon for Method Man? No, you don’t. That’s because in the 80s a few NFL teams thought it would be a good idea to make rap songs with repetitive lyrics, cheesy special effects and embarrassing dance moves. Here are six of them.
Miami Dolphins – Can’t Touch Us – Watch more free videos 6. Miami Dolphins – Can’t Touch Us
This video features such timeless classics as Zubaz pants, MC Hammer and a keytar. The only thing missing is ALF and Mr. T playing with a Rubix Cube. [Editor's Note: Please be sure to note the late, great Reggie Roby (#4). He's the Jackie Robinson of punting.]
LA Raiders Rap Song Silver and Black Attack – Watch more free videos 4. LA Raiders – Silver and Black Attack
Okay, this one from the Raiders stint in LA starts a little slow, but I BEG OF YOU to go to the 2:50 mark and watch an offensive lineman pretend to solo on a guitar, then watch them attempt to seamlessly transition from that, to Matt Millen rapping. He has less charisma than my desk chair. Plus, my desk chair didn’t ruin the Detroit Lions.
Cincinnati Bengals Fear Da Tigers Rap Song – Watch more free videos 3. Cincinnati Bengals – Fear Da Tigers
This 2005 addition to the NFL rap pantheon tried to bring a higher production level to the NFL hip hop song. Recruiting funk legend Bootsy Collins to write your team’s theme song might sound like cheating. Until you hear the song. Then it still sounds like crap.
LA Rams Rap Song – Watch more free videos 2. LA Rams – Rammin’ It
Okay, when a bearded man in stretch pants sings, “I like to ram it as you can see, no one likes to ram it more than me,” you potentially leave yourself open to ridicule. The only thing missing in this video is a backdrop of two dudes 69ing.
Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle Rap Song – Watch more free videos 1. Chicago Bears – Super Bowl Shuffle
There’s the Mona Lisa, the Sistine Chapel and the Super Bowl Shuffle. This is the NFL rap song by which all other rap songs are measured. Seven minutes of pure football rapping heaven. When backup quarterback Steve Fuller lays down pioneering lyrics like, “I’m not here to feathers ruffle, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle,” you know you have finally created an artistic masterpiece.