(Had Jason only snapped little Corey Feldman’s neck right then and there, perhaps we could have been spared of “Ascension Millenium.”)
By Jared Jones
Today is Friday the 13th, which means that every last blog out there — from the mom and pop ones like us to the New York frickin’ Times – are all but required to acknowledge the film series bearing its name in order to cash in on the sweet, sweet clickbait money that comes with it. But rather than pay tribute to the Friday the 13th saga with some lame-ass poll or been-there-done-that “Best Kills” list, we’ve opted to take the path less traveled and focus on some of the forgotten teenagers and authority figures who met their demise at Camp Crystal Lake.
Jason Voorhees was an asshole; this much we know. He stabbed people, strangled them to death, crushed their skulls, hung them, disemboweled them, and garrotted them with barbed wire. He beat a woman to death using another woman in a sleeping bag. He was a rotting, pus-oozing menace who divided young lovers in the throes of passion while absolutely refusing to die with some dignity, no matter what method of extermination he was met with (so maybe more of a herpes sore than an asshole). Over the course of a dozen or so movies, Voorhees claimed the lives of nearly 200 men, women, and children, and not a one of them appeared to agree with his decision while he was making it.
But this is America, where we refuse to blame the actual killers for the crimes they’ve committed! Surely Jason’s murderous rampage was brought about by video games, or gun control laws, or Al Gore, etc. Jason Voorhees is the *real* victim here, and there must have been something those pot-smoking sexual delinquents were doing to warrant such brutal and horrific deaths at his hands…
Jeff and Sandra — Part 2
Offense: Premarital Sex
As the legend goes, Jason Voorhees drowned in Camp Crystal Lake as a child while the counselors who were supposed to be watching him were off having sex. So choosing to bone on what is essentially his grave while in Counselor Training School is kind of like wearing a Nazi uniform into the Anne Frank House and taking a piss on the drapes. These two had it coming.
Fox and Loco — Part 3
Offense: Attempted arson
Punishment: Death by pitchfork
OK, these two definitely had it coming, purely for being the most stereotypical depictions of a biker gang in film history. Is that dude wearing a skull T-shirt, a bandana around his arm, and rocking a slicked hair/one earring combo? What is this, a Sesame Street PSA?
Andy — Part 3
Offense: Failure to Evolve
I want to feel sorry for Andy, because his death might be the most disturbing of the entire series from a purely logistical standpoint, but there is a reason humans chose to walk on their feet back in the early 1900′s, and it’s called evolution. Walking around on your hands is not only inconvenient, but childish and braggardly. As a man, it also leaves your most cherished body parts exposed and you powerless to protect them, so I’m sorry, Andy, but you had it coming.
Violet — Part 5
Offense: Emo in the Third Degree
Punishment: Machete to the turd factory
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA dumb bitch.” — Youtube
J.J. — Part 8
Offense: Noise Pollution
Ugh. Why must every side character in these movies have some strange personality quirk? One guy walks on his hands, the other practices the robot in her bedroom, and this chick sneaks off on cruise ships for impromptu jam sessions. Are these quirks supposed to make the victims more memorable when they are ultimately butchered? And what is that guitar even plugged into? I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.
Julius — Part 8
Go figure, the only black guy in Friday the 13th history wears a track suit and starts fights for no apparent reason. Open your eyes, Hollywood! *THIS* IS WHAT RACISM LOOKS LIKE.
Jason Voorhees — Part 9
Offense: Attempted sodomy (0:25)
What in God’s name did I just witness.