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A Nine-Year-Old Wants To Help You Get Laid

 
Chances are, you’re a lonely loser who spends his evenings alone and sad watching crappy Charles In Charge reruns with a cat and a bottle of Jim Beam. But luckily for you, someone gave a nine-year-old a book deal to help teach you how to talk to women. According to the NYPost:
 
He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.
 
So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, "How to Talk to Girls" – which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair – hit the shelves nationwide last week.

"It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."

He advises, "The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you."

But with classic plain-spoken advice – like "comb your hair and don’t wear sweats" – it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple "hi."

"If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start," he said.

When little Alec grows up, and shows every girlfriend this "cute" little book he wrote when he was nine and incessantly hears, "Oh, so I’m not a ‘pretty girl’? Is that why you’re dating me?" That’s when Alec writes his next book, titled "Never Tell Women Anything…Or…Why I Turned Gay."
 
Here’s some more shitty advice from a child, in case you’re interested.
 
 
Graphic via theangryt
 
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Angela Sommers has underboob (gorillamask)
Wolverine is still masculine (filmdrunk)
10 Hottest cartoon babes (nuts)
10 Ways to get drunk on a budget (doubleviking)
January Jones is hot (askmen)
NHLer Sean Avery likes sloppy seconds (nextround)
Soldiers drop a huge bomb in the water (ejb)
One punch KO in Vegas (nothingtoxic)
Used schoolgirl panties are a hit in Japan (afrojacks)
Miss Greece Ria Antoniou is half naked (hornyoyster)
Swedish party girls (thedailylowdown)
Man electrocutes face (cameltap)
The supermodel diet (comedy.com)

22 Responses to "A Nine-Year-Old Wants To Help You Get Laid"

  1. Anonymous says:

    why are u so upset about this…
    try to read it maybe u guys can get laid hahaha…
    jealous on a 9 year old lol…

  2. Anonymous says:

    I hate this site.

  3. “Remember, pull out when you start to feel your nuts tingle and then have a ready made excuse about how you are late for gym class. But not until after she finishes your homework…if you catch my drift…”

  4. KODYG says:

    i’ve never had such a strong urge to kick someone’s face.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I wish I could go back in time to when I was 16 years old so I could kick this kid’s ass.

    You heard me.

  6. ~Nena~ says:

    I don’t see how this boy has any idea on how to communicate with wome, but sadly none of the people who have posted through now seem to know what they’re talking about either! . . . Sad!

    Here’s a tip to the kid: Grow up, learn lots, then people will actually care about your book(s)

    Here’s a tip to the comments: Grow up. Get out of your mother’s basement, and stop being an idiot. THAT should help you! ;-) (should being the key word there in case you missed it!)

  7. Anonymous says:

    Am I the only one who suspects Mom or Dad had a huge (complete, to be more precise) role in writing this book? I mean, at nine, aren’t most boys still relatively uninterested in girls? And if the kid DID write the book, isn’t he putting an almost unnatural emphasis on what girls are like, how to get them, and so forth at age nine? Maybe this Little Casanova should forget about girls for awhile, and try being a normal nine year old. This whole thing is actually kinda creepy.

  8. miss c says:

    Any idiot who treats a girl like shit and actually get her is as worthless as the bitch he got!

  9. stdg says:

    I hate this kid.

  10. Anonymous says:

    do you know you douchebags are insulting a 9-year old? congratulations your real tough, macho boy

  11. Gush says:

    the kid is on to something here..we need to get back to the basics…

  12. Anonymous says:

    Mom and dad wrote the book. Anyone who believes a 9 year old is even interested in girls, is a fool. Anyone who buys this book is a fool.

    But I suspect a lot of people bought it, and a lot of people believe it (considering it got published.. somehow). Therefore, a lot of people are fools.

  13. Anonymous says:

    seriously. i mean, don’t wear sweats, say ‘hi’. this is all brilliant stuff.

  14. StdsmakemeP says:

    I love life.

  15. evilive says:

    its bc of this guy (9yr old, of course) that i just scored with a hooker last night! thank you, kid! :D

  16. anomyDOOOOOOOOD says:

    i a m a l i t t l e s p a c e d o u t r i g h t n o w c a l l m e w h e n i a m a l l o u t g e t t i n g a g i r l t o l i k e m e ! ! ! ! c r a p. . . W T F ? ?

  17. Pratik says:

    To be honest, a lot of guys could benefit from his advice. Most dudes think that acting like a complete tool and treating girls like shit will make them like you.

    That couldn’t be farther from… oh wait, that IS how it works. Oh well, back to the drawing board Mr. Greven.

  18. Mr. Balls says:

    heh, you ought to write your own book. Your suggestion seems much more practical then this little shits.

    What does this little turd know about pretty girls? It hasn’t even been a decade since he’s stopped sucking his momma’s teet.

  19. Anonymous says:

    I’m sure the biggest thing this kid’s book has going is that it’s sweet. It’s about how you’re supposed to treat women, not an instruction manual on how to get into their pants. Grow some class, would you? And if you’re going to insult a little kid, at least don’t misspell it.

  20. Edwordrules says:

    I see a future hairdesigner!!!

  21. Anonymous says:

    You sir are a hamster