Who hates cell phone noise? (asylum)

Jim Furyk hits an amazing shot (busted coverage)

I didn't realize Subarus were this bad ass (Camel Tap)

Celebrity Bikini Watch: Sienna Miller (Double Viking)

Nintendo Lite (complex)

Taser chair (tastybooze)

Suzanne Stokes likes her red bikini (hornyoyster)

Here's what a 480 meal buys you (food marathon)

Abbey Clancy is something else indeed (coedmagazine)

Is it just me, or did the first 15 seconds of this video sort of seem like it was going to be about a group of ninjas who gang bang Miley Cyrus and her friend? Don't make that face at me, reader. How dare you. I didn't say I wanted that to happen, I just said I thought that was going to happen.

Apparently this is supposed to be a funny parody of Madonna's video 4 minutes. I think what's apparent here is that everyone is afraid to tell Miley Cyrus when something is not funny. I don't blame them. If she asked me I would say "Hilarious. Brilliant. Can you please point me to your coat tails so that I may ride them for as long as possible."

Jessica Simpson's vagina is going to be soooooo jealous.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, a source confirmed to Usmagazine.com.

The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.
There is no WAY evolution would be cool with these two procreating.  No way.  I've played Oregon Trail enough to know that without modern medicine and technology, evolution takes care of  these two by either way of dysentery or being eaten by a bear.  And trust me, we don't want to start pissing off evolution.  It might do something crazy like combine a grizzly bear with a monkey and then we'll all be f-ed.  I ain't being no grizmonkely bear's bitch.  What the f*&k am I talking about?

Anyway, I kind of think these two look alike anyway.  I was going to do some elaborate photoshop where I combined their features to show what their baby might look like, but when I did the first step of putting Wentz's head on Simpson's body, I went to lunch.  And when I came back I swear to you I thought I hadn't yet put his head on her body.  It wasn't after closer inspection that I realized I had.  Take a look.

I think I've figured out the secret to Scientology. They only let the lamest 1% of the population into their cult because ex-members—people who have denounced this wacky gang—can't speak out against it without sounding like totally lame shitheads. This guy is named Jason Beghe and apparently he's the first "actor" to speak out against Scientology. (I put "actor" in "quotes" because he's had bit parts in Veonica Mars, Chicago Hope, Picket Fences and G.I. Jane.) But listening to this guy talk about wacky Scientology crap is almost worse than hearing Tom Cruise's fake maniacal laughter. The clear? OT8? Theta traps? No one knows what the hell you're talking about, dude. Now run along. I think Numb3rs needs someone to play "Background Person #3."

My favorite quote from this video is: "I have the luxury of having gotten into Scientology, and, after having been in it, been out. And that's a persepctive that those people who are in and are not out, do not have."

Thanks a lot, Johnny Obvious. If you really want to blow our minds, why not tell us Tom Cruise is straight.

For the longest time I was trying to figure out exactly why Ashton Kutcher's career seemed familiar.  Then I realized, he's essentially the male Jenny McCarthy:  Really good looking to the point where every one is afraid to tell him that he's not funny and really super annoying.  I can't wait until he gets older and starts f-ing Jim Carrey and talking about Autism.  Now, before you say I'm just bitter, let's clear something up.  Of course I'm bitter.  I'm a blogger who drives a shitty car and gets laid infrequently.  But I maintain that bitterness aside, he's still a douche.  Listen to this quote from people.com:

On his decision to marry Demi Moore at age 27: "I've literally just been voted the world's most eligible bachelor and I'm like, I'm going off the market.

I think we can all relate to that.  It's like when I bought a brand new high speed blender that also acts as a food processor.  I totally could have banged several chicks because of it's ability to make both salsa and organic fruit roll ups, but I stayed with my girlfriend.  Anyway, here's another magazine cover I saw Ashton on.  I think it only comes out quarterly.  Enjoy:

World Record Dunk - Watch more free videos

At first I was all like "Whoa, huh? What happened?" and then, after seeing it 50 times and hearing some guy say "Lok me la sumjuna dwite!" 30 times I was all like "Ooooh, a dunk." Way to go, Japanese guy!

Life has not been kind to Vanilla Ice. First, he's Vanilla Ice. Second...well, that first one is all you need to know. But Vanilla had become a harmless parody of a time when people didn't care if their rappers were "good" or "appropriately dressed" or "able to use language as a form of musical communication." But now, Vanilla Ice can add "wife beater" to his already pathetic resume. According to TMZ:

Former rap star Vanilla Ice, real name Robert Van Winkle, was arrested at his home after an alleged altercation with his wife.

Ice was booked by Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputies at 10:43 PM ET on a charge of domestic battery. Sources tell TMZ he got into an argument with his wife, Laura, and he pushed her.

Looking back on some of the lyrics to "Ice Ice Baby" I think this kind of behavior should come as no surprise. I mean, when he sang "I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon," "You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play," and "I go crazy when I hear a cymbal" we all knew Mr. Ice was clearly a hardened street thug who would have no qualms about committing a crime. I'm just glad he didn't kill anyone.

Age: 28

Where you've seen her: Elin Nordegren can usually be found getting up and down on Tiger Woods.

Tantalizing tidbit: A couple years ago, nude photos of a woman claiming to be Elin were found on, you guessed it, the Internet. The photos ended up being of some Playboy model named Kim Hiott, so, as you can see, this story has a very sad ending.

This mascot's vaguely sexual hip-thrusting dance is way more effective than "Hey batter batter batter batter...suhwing batter!"

via Deadspin

I had a dream like this once after I got food poisoning at Applebee's.