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North Korea, You’re Better Off Without Him, Girl

Hey North Korea,

I know you feel like you’ve suffered a big loss right now. You’re hurting, you’re crying. You’re like “What am I gonna do without my man!” But you need to know that this is only temporary and you’re better off without him, girl! You can’t see it right now, but he was bad for you. You were too deep in it to recognize. That was a toxic, stifling relationship and everyone around you knew it, but you were so in love, you won’t have listened to us even if we wrote it in the sky with mushroom clouds.

There was red flag after red flag and you just chose to ignore it. He provided for your well-being to a degree, yes, nobody is denying that but we really need to look at the facts before you going on a fourteen-day Ben & Jerry’s binge, honey. He was a little bit of a psycho, can we both agree on that?

He thought he could control the weather. When he told you that, you didn’t step back and say to yourself “what the f*ck is this man talking about?” because we did. You know his father was crazy, too. Right? That little apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

And don’t act like he didn’t get you hooked on pain-killers. He hurts himself and has to go on prescription pain pills, then he makes members of his cabinet take them too? He’s co-dependent, ok. That’s what that is. You didn’t even like drugs before he introduced you to them. Then when he had to quit smoking, he made everyone quit. You remember that, right? You didn’t think that was weird?

Also, he hates short, people, ugly people and the handicapped, BUT HE AIN’T EVEN CUTE! For real, girl, you need to get yourself a man who doesn’t wear lifts. He was a little too vain for a straight man, and don’t even get us started on his obsession with Liza Minnelli! How many straight men do you know with an obsession on that level. He’s like a little drag queen!

You’re young, but you’ve already fallen for two complete psychos. We’re just saying, if you don’t recognize your problems now, you going to just end up repeating the past. You probably will, no matter what we say. You’ll probably let the next inadequate dictator into power like all of this never even happened. You’ll be screaming his name and celebrating his birthday while the rest of us sit by and do nothing, too tired of dealing with your Stockholm Syndrome. Get your head straight and make a change. You can do bad all by yourself, girlfriend.

 

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