An Ode To Terrible Radio Segues

Have you ever been listening to the radio in the middle of the afternoon and the afternoon DJ that serves no other purpose than to act as a short buffer between music and more music? He’s not an important DJ — he’s not a morning show guy, he’s not nationally syndicated — he’s just a forgettable dude that’s on from noon to 4. This DJ’s only air time is made up of 30 second to minute-long spaces of dead air that he has to fill with something, but he isn’t given enough time to fully flesh out any bits or start a dialogue with the listener or go to the phones. So, to fill this dead air, he or she will inform the listener of some random news story just long enough to transition from one thing that doesn’t involve them talking to another thing that doesn’t involve them talking.

The following piece is an ode to that ridiculous transition.

“Yes, Ozzy! Crazy Train indeed! And speaking of trains that exude craziness, did you hear about those Bosnian Kids there were standing on the tracks and got obliterated by that train? Man, can you imagine what it’s like to get liquefied by a locomotive? Crazy. Here’s Kajagoogoo with ‘Too Shy.’”

“Alright, that was Lady Gaga, and can you believe she admitted to fisting Republican Leader of the House John Boehner in the back of a limousine on the way to an Applebees? Geez, I really hope he washed his ass before he ate. Here’s Christopher Cross with ‘Sailing.’”

“You just heard another 40 minuet rock block here on 93.1 The X. Coming up next hour we’ve got Soundgarden, Drowning Pool, Motley Crue, and many others – And, hey, speaking of Motley Crue, according to a press release that came out this morning, the Crue will not bringing their instruments with them on their next tour as they will be, instead, rhythmically blowing each other on stage for two hours. Here’s Creed with ‘Arms Wide Open.’”

“I was reading the paper today and I read an article about all of those butchered and mangled human genitals that were discovered in those grocery bags over by the bay. Man, I could have sworn I did a better job of hiding those. Here’s ‘Heartbeat’ by Don Johnson.”

“Hey, don’t forget, we still have tickets available to that Springsteen concert tomorrow at the downtown Amphitheater, so stay tuned for your chance to win those. And, man, we’re all still reeling from the news of our morning show host Randy The Hound having his rectum prolapsed live on air. We would like to apologize for the horrific sound of a human anus exploding outward…like Tupperware being vacuum sealed.  Here’s James Blunt with ‘You’re Beautiful’”