Yesterday we were at a party, and towards the end of the night we went outside to the patio of the bar. Suddenly, a woman came up to us and pointed at some dude sitting down next to her and said, “Have you met (can’t remember name because I was drunk), he has 70,000 twitter followers.” Then I look at the dude and he was like, “Yep. 70k, man.” We started laughing, of course, because we were thinking, “No one thinks having twitter followers is cool, so he’s clearly being self deprecating,” but he wasn’t. He was being completely serious.
First of all, it's inherently douchey to start off a conversation with someone you’ve never met by stating a fact about yourself that you perceive to be cool. The only time I’ve ever done that was when I was drunk at Thanksgiving and I told my cousin’s new boyfriend “I just took a shit that looked like a Cornish Game hen," but in my defense a) I was drunk, and b) That’s a lot more f*&king impressive than having 70 thousand twitter friends.
Then Twitter Guy solidified his place in the history books of Douchebaggery when he said, “People have called me one of the new leading faces of conservatism.” I love it when someone says “people have called me...” Who called you that? It could be anyone! Maybe I’ll start saying, “People have called me the most handsome person in Los Angeles,” because both my mother and the Iranian woman who dry cleans my shirts have said that before. But I realize that I'm not the most handsome man in Los Angeles, because sometimes I go so long between getting laid that my sex dreams aren’t even of sex, they’re just of me jerking it to a porno.
This twitter dude has been completely transformed by the fact that a large number of people have subscribed to his twitter feed. And here, my friends, is the problem with Twitter: Everyone wants to believe that everyone else thinks they’re important, because everyone, at their core, is a narcissist. And how better to give yourself an inflated sense of importance, than to think that there are groups of people who are reading a 140 word post you’ve written that says, “Going to the store to look for cereal. Hope they have Chex!”
If someone is interested in that, well, holy f*&k, you must be god damned important/ awesome! But the fact is, nobody truly gives a shit about what you’re doing. So then why are they following your twitter feed? Because they’re hoping you follow THEIR twitter feed, so that they can make believe that someone cares when they say that THEY are going to the store to buy chex. And where does this leave us? It leaves us sitting outside a bar, at 11 p.m., confidently telling someone you’ve never met before, you have seventy thousand twitter friends.
We asked the Twitter God if any of his followers would pick him up at the airport if he ever needed a ride, and he assures us that "a lot of them would", but the sight of him drunkenly hailing a cab outside the bar later cast a shadow of doubt on his claim. But at least all of those people knew that he was hailing a cab at that very moment, because he was twittering away.
Justin and Justin probably didnt want me to do this but I was at that party with them and if you want to see they actual guy they are making fun of here is:
yeah I've only heard about it. For awhile I thought it was playing on your cell phone. For instance: "Stop twittering, I'm trying to talk to you!" But I guess not...
where were his 70,000 feeds when he had to get drunk by himself at the bar? twitter: i'm drunk and need to get laid. come to this address.....ding dong.......he's murdered the next day.
(24 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 2nd, 2009 at 07:16 pm
you cant make fun of
'happy guy with beer"
most people with down syndrome dont even leave the basement or attic, let alone smoke and drink... jeez.
April 2nd, 2009 at 08:34 pm
I'd say why we can, but you already did.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Justin and Justin probably didnt want me to do this but I was at that party with them and if you want to see they actual guy they are making fun of here is:
http://twitter.com/brooksbayne
Not kidding.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
so, to top it all off this asshole is named Brooks?
And he hasn't legally changed his name to McBayne?
fuck him
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 pm
You guys makefun of twitter, yet you got a twitter link to every article you have.. How many twitter followers does holy taco have?
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Nm you got a link to your twitter page here.. Guess I'm the douche bag now
April 3rd, 2009 at 02:50 am
so hes a Douchebag, you could have jest said that, didnt need the novel.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Twitter douche speaks!
April 3rd, 2009 at 04:25 am
I for one thought this was the funniest article here since the dog crap one.
April 3rd, 2009 at 06:13 am
If you guys, twitter, you need to follow Kenny Powers, he says the funniest fucking shit.
April 3rd, 2009 at 06:28 am
You guys shoulda kicked that guy's ass. You would have been given a Congressional Medal of Honor.
April 8th, 2009 at 08:07 pm
probably would have got a mention on twitter too....jst saying.
April 3rd, 2009 at 09:46 am
fuckin DOOOOOUCHE
April 3rd, 2009 at 06:14 pm
what the hell is twitter
April 10th, 2009 at 07:32 pm
um, yeah dude, I was wondering the same thing...
June 11th, 2009 at 07:32 am
yeah I've only heard about it. For awhile I thought it was playing on your cell phone. For instance: "Stop twittering, I'm trying to talk to you!" But I guess not...
April 5th, 2009 at 01:27 am
Fuck you, man. Chex are delicious. The rest I agree with.
April 9th, 2009 at 02:17 am
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I love and hate social networking in equal amounts. Nail, head - direct hit. Excellent writings.
April 11th, 2009 at 04:01 am
A little ironic that i found this via twitter.
May 1st, 2009 at 02:06 am
Erm, hate to be the one to burst your little bubble here, but isn't blogging the same friggin thing, just with longer sentences?
May 4th, 2009 at 03:56 pm
well sure, but how many ladies do you bring home when you tell them that you are a "top invitee on facebook" or you have 4000 friends on myspace.
thats like saying, dude, im friends with barack obama on facebook, wanna see where all the magic blogging happens?
May 1st, 2009 at 11:31 am
this is to funny! :)
May 4th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
where were his 70,000 feeds when he had to get drunk by himself at the bar? twitter: i'm drunk and need to get laid. come to this address.....ding dong.......he's murdered the next day.
May 2nd, 2009 at 02:01 pm
I agree with all the Twitter shit, but being from Kansas City, I thought the Chiefs stuff was hilarious. So true.
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