Yesterday we were at a party, and towards the end of the night we went outside to the patio of the bar. Suddenly, a woman came up to us and pointed at some dude sitting down next to her and said, “Have you met (can’t remember name because I was drunk), he has 70,000 twitter followers.” Then I look at the dude and he was like, “Yep. 70k, man.” We started laughing, of course, because we were thinking, “No one thinks having twitter followers is cool, so he’s clearly being self deprecating,” but he wasn’t. He was being completely serious.
First of all, it’s inherently douchey to start off a conversation with someone you’ve never met by stating a fact about yourself that you perceive to be cool. The only time I’ve ever done that was when I was drunk at Thanksgiving and I told my cousin’s new boyfriend “I just took a shit that looked like a Cornish Game hen," but in my defense a) I was drunk, and b) That’s a lot more f*&king impressive than having 70 thousand twitter friends.
Then Twitter Guy solidified his place in the history books of Douchebaggery when he said, “People have called me one of the new leading faces of conservatism.” I love it when someone says “people have called me…” Who called you that? It could be anyone! Maybe I’ll start saying, “People have called me the most handsome person in Los Angeles,” because both my mother and the Iranian woman who dry cleans my shirts have said that before. But I realize that I’m not the most handsome man in Los Angeles, because sometimes I go so long between getting laid that my sex dreams aren’t even of sex, they’re just of me jerking it to a porno.
This twitter dude has been completely transformed by the fact that a large number of people have subscribed to his twitter feed. And here, my friends, is the problem with Twitter: Everyone wants to believe that everyone else thinks they’re important, because everyone, at their core, is a narcissist. And how better to give yourself an inflated sense of importance, than to think that there are groups of people who are reading a 140 word post you’ve written that says, “Going to the store to look for cereal. Hope they have Chex!”
If someone is interested in that, well, holy f*&k, you must be god damned important/ awesome! But the fact is, nobody truly gives a shit about what you’re doing. So then why are they following your twitter feed? Because they’re hoping you follow THEIR twitter feed, so that they can make believe that someone cares when they say that THEY are going to the store to buy chex. And where does this leave us? It leaves us sitting outside a bar, at 11 p.m., confidently telling someone you’ve never met before, you have seventy thousand twitter friends.
We asked the Twitter God if any of his followers would pick him up at the airport if he ever needed a ride, and he assures us that "a lot of them would", but the sight of him drunkenly hailing a cab outside the bar later cast a shadow of doubt on his claim. But at least all of those people knew that he was hailing a cab at that very moment, because he was twittering away.