Do you ever find yourself in a state of boredom so deep that you start making up things to do and care about? Maybe you woke up a bit too early on a Saturday and don’t know what to do with all this extra time, so all of a sudden cleaning out the many years worth of baked-on crust in the cracks that separate your oven from the floor seems like the best idea you’ve ever had? Or maybe you use this time to start a blog that you dream will be the next big web site that’s going to take the internet by storm, but ultimately is only posted on once and that post was about how much you’ve always wanted to start a blog?
Yeah, well, that boredom-induced gung-ho attitude had to have been the only reason a Freshman state senator from Oklahoma City, sen. Ralph Shortey, introduced a bill to his legislator specifically banning large food companies from using aborted fetuses in their food products.
That’s insane, right? For so many years we’ve assumed our favorite food brands were free of aborted human babies but they totally weren’t. And it took the tireless work of one senator to expose the truth and save us from living within a horrible Soylent Green-esque world. And who knows if those baby fetuses complied with our Atkins diets?
Well, you can go back to eating your favorite foods from your favorite companies, because while those foods may be filled with fecal bacteria and body dissolving chemicals and all sorts of additives that only chemists can recognize, there are no fetuses. Turns out Senator Shortey is basically like your old and naive grandmother who believes absolutely everything she reads in chain Emails and forum boards that pop up after she Google’s the words “what’s in my fanny cream?”
According to Yahoo! News, “Shortey said he discovered suggestions online that some companies use embryonic stem cells to develop artificial flavors, but added that he is unaware of any Oklahoma companies doing such research.”
That’s as in-depth as Shortey’s reasoning gets. From this we can surmise that Shortey read the free-form poems of a locavore death metal singer, read a metaphorical line about how Hormel uses dead babies in their chili, and then he wrote a bill about it.
Pictured: Shortey's Source
In response, everyone told Shortey to shut up.
Tony Lauinger, a representative for the Anti-abortion group Oklahomans for Life, said, “I don’t know anything about that.”
Senator Brian Crain, the chairmen of the Senate Human Services Committee, the chairmen of the legislative body that Shortey is presenting this bill to, said, “I’d hate to think we’re going to spend our time coming up with possibilities of things we need to stop.”
The FDA said, “FDA is not aware of this particular concern.” And, yes. The FDA speaks in the third person.
All of this is political speak for, “Shut the f*ck up, Shortey! You’re making us look like assholes!”
So, there you have it. That’s how bills are written. A politician reads something on the internet and thinks it’s 100% true, and then, after conducting no further research whatsoever, declares that this thing he just found must be stopped.
Let’s hope this guy never finds out about The Onion.