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Old Cell Phones Aren’t Better Than Smartphones, No Matter What Nostalgics Insist

Well, here’s the anti-smartphone nostalgia train, coming in right on time. Now that Androids and iPhones and Samsungs and Galaxies and the like are 100% mainstream, the backlash has begun. People are now picking apart not just their smartphone, but the very IDEA of a smartphone. They’re too big, they don’t hit in your pocket, they’re fragile, all those apps suck away your money, etc. Not like a REAL phone, they say. We’ve actually got people braying about how much better old Nokia and Motorola bricks are, because Huey Lewis was right — it IS hip to be square.

That’s the only possible reason a dumbass infographic like this one from KindOfNormal.com has gained such steam:

Even though it was a joke — albeit not a very good one — the chart’s virality has proven that people are taking it at face value. The battery last a long time! You can drop it form anywhere and it’ll be OK! No updates necessary! Texting is so much easier! No camera! No stupid selfies!


“Selfies are annoying and pointless, unless for mine. Mine are works of art.”

The cycle never ends, does it? Kids get into something, then parents get into it, then kids embrace something else. But since few kids are tech-savvy enough to invent something better than a smartphone, they’re going in the other direction and paying for something that — let’s face it — now sucks. And sharing this chart with some variation of SO TRUE LOLZEZ doesn’t help your cause one iota.

Battery life: Yes, old phones lasted longer. What’s your point? Of course a smartphone is going to use more battery — it’s got more stuff running. But here’s an amazing little bit of headfood for you: you don’t have to run everything at once. You don’t need five games, Pandora, Spotify, and Skype all running at once. Turn off some apps, lay off the Candy Crush (forever, preferably), put down the phone every now and again, and you’ll be shocked at how much longer your battery lasts. Yeah, it probably won’t last a week, but it won’t get sucked dry in three hours either.

And if it does? Charger. Gee willikers, that was easy.

Impact Limit: Who the fuck is dropping their phone, new or old, that high up? Don’t be so damn klutzy and hold onto your phone. pretend it’s a baby if you must. And as far as the extra protection a smartphone requires, it’s a $10 shell. Chances are, you can afford that. Just go a week without buying any fake money for your tapping game, and you’ll be shocked at how easily a $10 shell can fit in your budget.

Software Updates: A few minutes a week where you can’t use an app? I can’t think of a more hellish Hell! Unless, of course, you couldn’t use any other apps, lost your phone, got kicked out of your home, and was sentenced to life at Gitmo. If any of those were true, I could see why people bitch about software updates.

Life Span: Here’s some more headfood: just because you have the iPhone 5, and hear the 6 is now a thing, you don’t have to buy the 6. Your 5 will still work fine for a long time, unless you drop it from the crown of the Statue of Liberty or something. What’s more: up until a year ago, you could still get your iPhone 1 serviced at Apple stores and receive updates. That’s right, a year. And if you don’t require service on your iPhone 1, you can absolutely still use it. So it’s not so much “1-2 years” as it is “7 years and counting”.

Typing Speed: If you could type nine characters a second, on a brick phone, you were an alien from another dimension. The current Guinness World Record for texting speed is a 165-character paragraph done in 18.44 seconds. That comes to 9.67 characters per second, on a new phone with Word Flow software. So no, you weren’t typing nine characters a second on a Nokia, not even if you were Superman.

Also, Damn You Autocorrect is bullshit. Yes, it will sometimes mess up your message, but never anything too severe. Those horror stories you see spread out all over the Internet are purest fiction, except they’re presented as fact and millions of people accept them as such.

Nostalgia only works if the old-timey thing pined for is still good in the present day. Old-school brick phone aren’t and never will be, no matter how often you share bad comedy and take it seriously.

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