Aside from urinating all over yourself and looking like a raisin, getting old looks like it can be a lot of fun. Old men think the world owes them everything because they’ve been on this earth for more than 60 years, so they do whatever they want. Even if it means writing off sex toys. According to the nypost:
William Halby, a 77-year-old Brooklyn lawyer, owes tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes for wrongly deducting more than $300,000 in prostitutes, porn, sex toys and erotic massages, a state tax judge ruled yesterday. The ruling came despite the meticulous efforts of Halby – a tax lawyer – to prove the deductions were reasonable medical expenses in his effort to fight depression and erectile dysfunction brought on by age.
“I was depressed,” Halby, who’s divorced, semi-retired and living alone in a Bay Ridge apartment, told The Post yesterday. “I live a solitary life. I have no social life. I needed that release.”
Halby said he found his “sex surrogates” – preferably brunettes – through ads in The Village Voice and sometimes visited them several times a week. “Over the years, I’ve been with dozens of girls for full-body massage with . . . happy ending,” he said.
All told, Halby spent about $322,000 to satisfy his desires, according to court papers.
In 2002 alone, Halby deducted $111,364 for “therapeutic sex” and massages “to relieve osteoarthritis and enhance erectile function through frequent orgasm.”
He claimed another $2,173 on porn “to enhance sexual performance in lieu of taking Viagra.”
In 2003, his $101,930 in deductions included $162 for “sexual performance aids” such as lubes, condoms and nipple clamps, the court papers said.
Let me be the first to say that this government needs to get it’s hands off an old man’s lube. As the Declaration of Independence states, our inalienable rights are for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But how do you expect a totally flaccid 77-year-old lawyer to pursue happiness if he can’t get a handjob while wearing a couple of nipple clamps? It’s time we overthrew the existing anti-nipple clamp handjob government and install a new pro-lube and whores regime. Or since that seems like a lot of work…we could just make nipple clamps free of charge.