Old People Freebase The Darndest Things

There are a lot of awesome things going on in the first sentence of this news story:

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A 22-year-old man is accused of balling up pieces of bread and trying to sell them as crack cocaine to senior citizens in a Florida nursing home.

“He was trying to sell these pieces of crack for $5 apiece to these elderly citizens and, clearly, trying to take advantage of them because he knew they received their checks on the 10th of every month,” JSO spokeswoman Melissa Bujeda said.

When officers caught up with him, they said they found a pill bottle in this waistband that contained seven or eight aspirin and something that looked like a rock of crack cocaine — but it wasn’t, WJXT reported.

“He actually admitted he was trying to sell artificial crack cocaine to support his own drug habit,” Bujeda said.

Do old people smoke a lot of crack? Maybe my grandma is just a prude, but I’ve never seen her and grandpa huddled over a crack pipe and screaming for more rocks. Usually they just sat in their respective La-Z Boys and watched Matlock reruns.

So, if you’re a fake crack salesman, you have to ask yourself if there is a lot of demand at the old folk’s home. Sure, their cataracts will help you pull off your bread/crack switcheroo, but if I were you, I’d hit up the elementary schools*. Kids love crack and their too young and stupid to know the difference between real Black Rock and Pepperidge Farm balls.

*HolyTaco.com does not condone selling crack to children. They rarely have enough money.