Online Sperm Banks May Not be Trustworthy

You may need to sit down with a cup of tea and a good friend to handle the shock of this, but it turns out that some of your favorite online sperm banks may not be totally on the up and up. We know, you’re thinking “whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” while your jaw comically drops to the floor, but it’s true. We live in an age when virtual spunk depositories may not be fully legit.

Over in jolly ol’ England, a man named Nigel “I sell sperm from my basement” Woodforth sold sperm from is basement. Suddenly all those jokes about internet nerds playing Warcraft in the basement just got some new perspective. Get your fingers orange with Cheetos dust, nerds of the world; at least you’re not running an illegal sperm ring.

While it seems a little gross, and by little we mean a pantload of gross, to sell spooge out of your basement, the unsung idiots of this story are the 800 ladies who signed up for this. 800 women thought “Oh look, an online sperm bank” and paid this man about $125 to sign up for the service, $465 to use it and $230 to courier the spooge to their homes, and never once did they stop to consider the odds that this was just one guy in his basement whacking it into a Tupperware bowl every time someone placed an order. They actually got lucky that this was a guy running a sperm bank from his basement, because a full half of Holy Taco staff admit they would have gone the Tupperware route if they’d had this idea.

During an undercover sperm purchasing operation, Nigel was busted, probably because he, along with the entire rest of humanity, never suspected cops would ever dream off pulling off an undercover sperm buying operation. And now that he’s safely off the streets, or out of his basement at any rate, the reproductive systems of the slow witted are safe again. But if this story inspired you to take a leap of faith and see if you too can scam a buck or two from idiots who have mastered their opposable thumbs and dial-up connections, we have some suggestions for potential business ventures.

• Online Phrenology School: Teach your students though online correspondence all they need to know about measuring the cranial ridges of others to determine their personalities and propensities. If you fail it’s because you have the brain pan of a mongloid goat herder.

• Dowsing Rod Emporium: Because we manufacture on site, we cut out the middle man and pass the profits on to you. We offer the best dowsing rods in the world, guaranteed or your money will be potentially sent back.

• Gary’s Mystic Sex Butter: Looks and smells just like regular butter but each $45 tub has been blessed by a voodoo shaman to make it the most sexually charged fatty substance since Anna Nicole Smith was alive. If this stuff doesn’t get results, buy more and try again!

• The Intergalactic Real Estate Agency: With our world becoming more and more overpopulated and little room left to park our SUV’s, it’s only prudent to start looking for new land to call out own. If you want to get prime real estate here and now, you need the Intergalactic Real Estate Agency. Buy some beachfront property on Saturn or a volcano on Venus, it can be yours at rock bottom prices!

• iBieber: Subscribe to our service and stream Justin Bieber songs to your computer 24/7 as performed by some of today’s leading lounge musicians from finer hotels across Eastern Europe.

• E-Salad: Love egg salad but hate not being lazy? Let the team of professional sandwich builders at E-Salad make your egg salad for you. We promise same day shipping within city limits and probably within a week or so otherwise. Please don’t ask for other sandwiches, this ain’t Subway.

• No-Bone.com: Our service provides users with wallpaper specifically suited to destroying boners that may be caused by the presence of unwanted pornographic pop-ups. With images such as grandmothers cleaning their dentures, Al Gore, elk with broken legs and Eastern European lounge musicians singing Justin Bieber songs, we guarantee a wilter in no time flat.

• Boob-Eez: With our patent-pending design, the Boob-Eez system allows you to quickly and easily render any boobie greasy and easily maneuverable in no time. Just spray the formula on the boobie and spread around with our yellow applicator gloves. Buy now and get two cans for only $49.99 plus shipping.