An Open Letter to Aerosmith’s Joe Perry

Dear Joe Perry,

In a recent interview with the Calgary Herald (whatever the hell that is), you criticized fellow band member Steven Tyler for his plans to become a judge on "American Idol." You implied that back when Aerosmith was formed, Tyler was above such crass commercial enterprises. You stressed that you didn’t want "Aerosmith’s name" associated with the show, and then went on to criticize the show itself…

[‘American Idol’ is] a reality show designed to get people to watch that station and sell advertising. It’s one step above (Teenage Mutant) Ninja Turtles.

Normally I welcome criticism of “American Idol.” I’ve hated it for years, and think it’s a boil on the ass of American pop culture. But for you to go out and criticize the commercial nature of the show is like Hitler criticizing Stalin for being a mass murderer. And for you to bad mouth Steven Tyler by implying he’s a sell out is like Ben Roethlisberger implying that Kobe Bryant is a rapist. Pot, kettle, black, you ass!

You do remember that you’re a member of Aerosmith, right? You’re not Robert friggen Zimmerman (besides, even that asshole sells Diet Pepsi). On the scale of bands that shill pointless crap, you’re just one step above KISS. You’ve probably heard of KISS, since you toured together on the "Rocksimus Maximus Tour" and gouged the hell out of fans with ridiculous ticket prices.

I won’t go into the fact that the entire point of the music industry in which you are so firmly entrenched is to sell albums. It might as well be washing machines or robot vacuum cleaners. But hey, you’ve gotta eat, so I understand.

But what was the point of Michael Bay’s Armageddon? Was it to warn the world about the threat posed by killer asteroids? Was it to glorify the noble profession of oil riggers? Or was it to cram as many dumb-asses into the cineplex as possible? I seem to recall your god awful song, "I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing," being on the Armageddon soundtrack. The reason I remember is because they played the god-damn thing eight times a day on the shitty Clear Channel radio station I was forced to listen to at work. And let’s not forget that "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" was used in the Robin Williams cross-dressing crapfest, Mrs. Doubtfire (hilarious!). And to top it all off, you recorded the song “Lizard Love” for the Rugrats movie. Yeah, the friggen Rugrats. And not even the original movie. It was Rugrats Go Wild (I have them all on DVD). And you’re bitching about the Ninja Turtles?

As if kid’s movies were’t bad enough, you’ve even stooped to video games. No, I’m not talking about something semi-respectable like Guitar Hero (although you did that, too). I’m talking about Revolution X, the game where “music is the weapon,” whatever the hell that means. The whole point of the game was to rescue Aerosmith from the clutches of an evil dictatorship that had banned music. I’m not even kidding when I say the main character had a gun that shot gold records. You signed off on this shit? I hope you were high. I remember playing this (once, and only once) as a kid and thinking you were a bunch of sellouts, and that was before I even knew what the term meant.

And let’s not forget the time you played Superbowl 35. No shame in that. After all, who wouldn’t want to play the big game. But you played it with Britney Spears and ‘N Sync! And you’ve got the balls to bad mouth "American Idol"? Jesus Christ, man, you have no dignity!

I could go on and on about the crap you’ve whored over the years, but I think you get the point. And please understand, I don’t give a damn. I don’t begrudge the fact that you can buy and sell my ass six ways from Sunday. Go and make your money, if that’s what you want to do. I’d love to be a sellout of your caliber. But if I ever get to your level, I sure as hell hope I learn to keep my mouth shut so I can avoid looking like the biggest hypocrite in the world of music.

Sincerely,

Daddy Yankee
San Juan, Puerto Rico