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An Open Letter to the Woman Who Peed on the Floor of the Marconi Radio Store in Beverly, MA

Dear woman who peed on the floor of the ‘Marconi Radio’ store in Beverly, MA,

How are you? You don’t seem well. I’m assuming something’s wrong since you dropped your pants and pissed all over the floor of a mobile phone store. That’s not something normal people do. It’s not even something a well-trained house pet would do. Washrooms aside, not pissing indoors is pretty much the cornerstone of our civilization. In fact, it may predate civilization, in the sense that our cave-dwelling monkey-man ancestors probably frowned upon those who peed in the communal cave. But despite their best efforts to remove such individuals from the gene pool, you are proof that a few managed to slip through the cracks.

Now before I go any further, I don’t want to sound like I’m up on my high horse looking down my nose at you. Rest assured, I am, but even so, I understand that things happen. As Karl Marx said, when you gotta go, ya gotta go. I once watched my elderly grandfather piss himself at a public library. I once saw another old man defecate on the floor of a post office. I even saw a drugged-out homeless woman piss right in the middle of a sidewalk at 4 pm on a weekday. I thought she was just squatting while wearing a pair of brown leather pants. How wrong I was. But the one thing that all of these examples have in common is the fact that the people involved were not actively trying to relieve themselves in public. But based on the video, your act of micturition seems premeditated, or at least intentional.

dog pee

Now, as the J-Man once said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Lots of people pee in weird places. Hell, some people pee on each other. If I were to pretend that I was above pissing in an inappropriate place, I’d be lying. I’ve pissed on people’s homes, dorm rooms, and car-door handles. I’ve pissed in someone’s locker. My friends and I once pissed all over the inside of a Port-A-Potty at a football game just to be dicks. These same friends and I left a plastic bag full of piss on someone’s front door with the hope that it would spill inward when the door was opened. I even pissed in a cup, and then paid someone else to ‘accidentally spill’ it on my enemy and pretend it was just Mountain Dew. I took great satisfaction in knowing that the target walked around with piss-covered clothing all day.

And the sad part is, I’m a rather well adjusted individual. For every story I have, I know people who have pulled infinitely more disgusting piss-related hijinks. But again, the one thing all of these events had in common was that the perpetrators were college-age or younger. In most cases, much, much younger. On top of that, most of these events took place at night, usually while those involved were highly intoxicated. You, on the other hand, are a grown-ass woman walking into a business in the middle of the day and popping a squat.

pee your pants

Which brings me to the question that’s on everyone’s mind: why? Why does a middle-aged woman walk into a store and piss on the floor? Was it planned in advance, or spur of the moment? Was the store chosen at random, or targeted? I could sit here and speculate all day. If you’ll allow me to put on my stereotyping hat for a moment, I’d like to throw something out there. You’re white and sort of trashy looking, which leads me to believe that Meth is the prime suspect in this caper. Or perhaps there was a line of ants marching into the store, and you felt this was the best way to stop them. Maybe there was a small fire, and you heroically extinguished it with the tools at your disposal? Who knows? If I had the answers, I wouldn’t be asking. Perhaps you had a beef with the fine people at Marconi Radio. But I doubt that’s the case, since they have no idea who you are. Besides, what could they have done to warrant such an insult? We’ve all felt cheated by our mobile phones. I’ve felt like going down to the AT&T store and lighting it on fire, but the thought of a day-light wee-wee raid never crossed my mind. Maybe I’m just a prude.

And what the hell is going on with your accomplice? Was he in on it, or was he dragged in by default? Or perhaps he really didn’t know you were pissing? I’d like to think that’s the case, since at the end of the video he reaches down and touches the puddle with his bare hand, and then lifts it to his face. But I’m not so sure. Chances are, he’s just a really committed liar.

At any rate, thanks for letting me pick your brain. I really hope to get a reply. Feel free to email. Or, if someone sees the video and turns you in, maybe you can just tell the cops what was going on. Either way, I look forward to hearing what this pee-party was all about.

Sincerely,

Jame Gumb

P.S. Your ass is disgusting.

10 Responses to "An Open Letter to the Woman Who Peed on the Floor of the Marconi Radio Store in Beverly, MA"

  1. lumberjack says:

    That rug really tied the room together.

  2. Marconi Radio says:

    Guys! They took down our YouTube video for NO REASON!

    What do we do? Can I sent someone at HolyTaco the actual file? Can you guys host it? We are going to re-upload it but we lost our 25k+ views!!! So sad!!!

  3. Jame Gumb says:
    ?
  4. Mexican Jesus says:

    Stop removing my fucking posts! You can’t censor me forever TACO!

  5. Marconi Radio says:

    marconiradiobeverly@gmail.com is our email address!

  6. iamphoenix says:

    funny. me like.

  7. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    you guys made this shit up. vid or it didn’t happen bitches

  8. Marconi Radio says:

    your wish is our command!

    Spread the word people!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krrMdGRlwas

  9. Jame Gumb says:
    Thanks! And burn your carpet.
  10. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    naah, totally shopped