Have you ever stared deeply in to the eyes of an ostrich and felt as though you were being held in the arms of a tender lover? Wait…did you just say yes? Hey, everybody reading this: let’s all point and laugh at the one guy that actually said yes! HA!
While the thought of a human falling in love with an Ostrich seems weird to us, the reverse is a common phenomenon recently noticed by ostrich farmers at Hangland Farms in the U.K.
The Hangland farmers are always in the presence of ostriches because ostriches are the thing their jobs revolve around, very much in the same way that we members of the Holy Taco writing staff surround ourselves with rabid badgers and empty soup cans with the word “Phlegm” written on them in eyeliner. When male ostriches attempt to woo a potential mate they do a little courtship dance, which includes some wing flapping, some spastic neck waving, and some squatting down, or as we humans call it, trying to escape a headlock while pooping on the floor. If a female ostrich is turned on by the male’s flailing poop march, she will accept his advances by flapping her wings, bending her neck forwards, and producing a clapping sound with her beak, which in human behavior would look like someone competing in a pie eating content while swimming. As the humans and ostriches became used to each other’s company, the farmers began to notice that the ostriches would perform these love dances whenever the humans came near.
Soon thereafter, the farmers called in a research team of ostrich experts, because someone on this planet actually has that job title and it would be a shame not to use them in this situation. For ostrich experts, this is like Christmas and all of their birthdays rolled in to an orgasm because they finally get to show their parents that a PhD in Ostrich Sex was not a total waste of their money.
The researchers created observation stations and placed three ostriches in each, one male and two female, presumably to film their wacky and hilarious exploits in front of a live studio audience for CBS’ new hit sitcom Ostretching For A Pun! When the ostriches were left alone with no humans in sight, nothing happened. But when a human walked by, both the male and the female ostriches turned in to a group of construction workers hurling crude sexual advances at a woman walking by. Apparently, an ostrich bobbing its head, squatting, and the flapping its wings, is the equivalent of a middle-aged Italian guy with a hard hat clutching his dick and yelling, “Hey, sweetheart! How about you go for some Italian sausage for lunch. Ha Ha Ha! Right, fellas?!”
70% of the ostriches got horny when a human walked by, leading the researchers to conclude that when ostriches are exposed to humans for long enough they get used to us and begin to feel the urge to expose themselves to us.