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Otto V, World’s Worst Rapper: Why Isn’t He Viral Yet?

You disappoint me, Internet. You’ll latch onto anything that’s unintentionally horrible and make it go viral simply so as many people get to laugh at it as humanly possible. And yet this guy, Otto V, has been accidentally tossing you prime material for months now and you haven’t latched on at all. One video out of 18 has a few thousand hits, while the remaining ones are lucky to crack a hundred. Is it because he’s not a wacky cat or a pre-teen singing a stupid song?

Or are you just in awe of his mad stock marketing skillz?

Otto V fancies himself a dope-ass fly hip-hopper, all about changing the game and revolutionizing flow and all that fun garbage. Of course, he accomplishes none of those things. Everything is unscripted, which is great except he has absolutely nothing to say and no fun way to say it. A 45-second video is 90% “y’knows” and “knowwhuddahmsayin’s” 5% awkward silence, and 5% tired B-Boy cliches that haven’t been fresh since Reagan was in office.

In his second video, he promises to talk about the music industry. He does not, only once mentioning that it’s got “hypocrisies” but never elaborating on what they are. He then spends 40 seconds bragging about his music (which, as far as I can tell, doesn’t exist) that’s totally original and how he’s a trendsetter. After all, he makes his own beats with his “beat thing.” Grandmaster Flash had a beat thing too. He made good beats with his beat thing.

Each of this joker’s videos are somehow worse than the last. This is amazing, because his first video is the worst thing ever. Every one of his attempts to act cool fails miserably because few things constipate a flow like “umm” and “anyway” taking up so much space. Even George Lucas can craft more varied and interesting dialogue.

By the time he starts rapping (of course it’s freestyle, cuz he think’s he’s Snoop Dogg), you realize why Jay-Z hasn’t signed him to a deal. Some sample lyrics:

Otto V / dropping so lyrically / I’m the phenomenally best anomaly / druhnomalize ah-uh-all these guys / who think they can break ties / with the great Otto V / Yeah, oh yeah, whatever that was.

At least, I think he said “druhnomalize.” I have no idea what that could mean, and it probably won’t help me win Words With Friends, but it’s almost certainly better than what he actually said.

I’m obviously no hip-hopper, but I’m fairly certain the art form centers around supreme confidence in self. Stuttering halfway through and finishing with “yeah, whatever that was” is pretty much the opposite of that. But don’t bother telling poor Otto V. This is a guy who thinks he’s making mad money off of videos with 120 views. He’s more deluded than that one Japanese soldier who hid in the forest until the ’70s because he thought World War II was still an active thing. In his mind, he’s Biggie, Tupac, Eminem, Rakim, Chuck D, Busta Rhymes, Bud Bundy, and every member of the Wu-Tang Clan combined, only better. After all, THEIR videos and raps actually get edited for quality, something he never needs to do. So he’s got that part of the Confidence Manifesto down pat. He just needs to work on, oh, everything else.

The first step is to make him famous as you do, Internet. He’s practically SCREAMING for millions of views (not that he knows it yet.) Even if everybody in the world laughing at him doesn’t motivate him to actually learn how to rap, he can at least serve as a proper example of how not to do it. Bad teachers are good teachers like that.

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