The economy is in the shitter and now Henry Paulson is saying we need 700 billion dollars to bail us out. We here at the Taco think the only people who ask for 700 billion dollars are evil geniuses. Therefore, here’s what we think is going to happen, step by step.
STEP 1: Paulson Skips Town With The Money And Heads To A Remote Beach Country
Paulson heads to Dulles airport in Washington D.C. where he buys a plane ticket to somewhere in Mexico, under his new name “Henry Paulsone.” As he goes through customs he’s stopped by an officer who notices the 700 billion dollar check he’s carrying. The officer stares him down and says “Wait a second, I know you.” Paulson(e) freezes, terrified he’s been caught. A tense moment of silence, then the officer remarks, “Yeah, you’re that one dude who plays the angry doctor on Scrubs. Nice. Have a good vacation and don’t spend that 700 billion all in one place!”
STEP 2: “Paulsone” Enjoys His New Life
Paulson quickly blends into his new surroundings in Mexico. He realizes that his real passion is not being a high level government official, but instead, a dolphin trainer. He becomes fast friends with “Juanito” the dolphin and they do several shows a day that enthrall the local audiences.
STEP 3: George Bush Announces He’s Going To Do Whatever It Takes To Find Paulson And The Money
With America enraged over their stolen money, President Bush enlists the help of the only man he knows can find Paulson; Dog the Bounty Hunter. Although the C.I.A., F.B.I. and several 5 star generals attempt to tell the president that he should use any one of a number of government agencies at his disposal that are specifically designed for finding individuals, the President disregards their advice on the grounds that “no one is as f’in’ sweet as Dog.”
STEP 4: Paulson Meets The Woman Of His Dreams, Then Realizes He’s Being Tracked
Paulson, a man who always wished he had taken more risks, meets a care free girl named Cynthia, who lives her life one risk after another. Cynthia brings out a side of Paulson he didn’t know he had. When they go to restaurants, she orders outlandish food that Paulson at first objects at eating, but is coerced by Cynthia to eat anyway, resulting in both of them laughing together. A laugh of love. As their romance blossoms, indicated by a montage of them doing various activities together, Paulson is shocked to see Dog The Bounty Hunter during he and Cynthia’s morning beach jog. Although Dog doesn’t see Paulson, Henry knows his time is short. He must think of a plan.
STEP 5: Paulson Trains For Inevitable Combat
Paulson enlists the help of a local boy named “Hiroku” who teaches him the way of the Muay Thai fighter. At first Paulson is resistant to Hiroku’s training methods, and proves to be a stubborn student. But during a sparring session, Hiroku fights Paulson while blindfolded, and defeats him handily. He tells Paulson that a fighter does not fight with his hands or feet, but instead with his heart and soul. If Paulson is to become victorious, Hiroku tells him he must channel his inner “bickabu” which he says means “tiger soul.” In actuality, it means “One who has baby sized penis,” but Hiroku thinks it’d be funny to hear Paulson say that out loud.
STEP 6: President Bush Reveals Himself To Be A Formidable Opponent
Bush comes into Paulson’s campsite and challenges Paulson to a “fight to the not alive.” Paulson tells him he’s ready, but just as he finishes speaking, Bush delivers a blow to Paulson’s face, knocking him to the ground. Bush and his compatriots laugh hysterically at the fallen Paulson and let him know they can’t wait to watch him be destroyed in the fight that will take place later that night.
STEP 7: Paulson Clears His Soul And Becomes Victorious
An epic battle ensues between Bush and Paulson. Bush begins the fight reigning blows upon Paulson’s head, knocking him to the ground. As Paulson’s face hits the mat, he thinks back to the training he did with Hiroku and how fucking stupid it was that he let an 11 year old asian boy train him. Paulson forgets his training and instead uses a move he learned while working in investment banking; he reaches into Bush’s chest and rips out his heart. Bush gives an awkward smile, then his body slumps to the floor. Paulson collapses to the floor as Cynthia showers him with love and affection. He’s never heard from again.
So, we think either that’s going to happen, or he might just use the money to try and unfuck our economy. One of the two.