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Our 700 Billion Dollar Bailout Conspiracy Theory

The economy is in the shitter and now Henry Paulson is saying we need 700 billion dollars to bail us out. We here at the Taco think the only people who ask for 700 billion dollars are evil geniuses. Therefore, here’s what we think is going to happen, step by step.

STEP 1: Paulson Skips Town With The Money And Heads To A Remote Beach Country

Paulson heads to Dulles airport in Washington D.C. where he buys a plane ticket to somewhere in Mexico, under his new name “Henry Paulsone.” As he goes through customs he’s stopped by an officer who notices the 700 billion dollar check he’s carrying. The officer stares him down and says “Wait a second, I know you.” Paulson(e) freezes, terrified he’s been caught. A tense moment of silence, then the officer remarks, “Yeah, you’re that one dude who plays the angry doctor on Scrubs. Nice. Have a good vacation and don’t spend that 700 billion all in one place!”

STEP 2: “Paulsone” Enjoys His New Life

Paulson quickly blends into his new surroundings in Mexico. He realizes that his real passion is not being a high level government official, but instead, a dolphin trainer. He becomes fast friends with “Juanito” the dolphin and they do several shows a day that enthrall the local audiences.

STEP 3: George Bush Announces He’s Going To Do Whatever It Takes To Find Paulson And The Money

With America enraged over their stolen money, President Bush enlists the help of the only man he knows can find Paulson; Dog the Bounty Hunter. Although the C.I.A., F.B.I. and several 5 star generals attempt to tell the president that he should use any one of a number of government agencies at his disposal that are specifically designed for finding individuals, the President disregards their advice on the grounds that “no one is as f’in’ sweet as Dog.”

STEP 4: Paulson Meets The Woman Of His Dreams, Then Realizes He’s Being Tracked

Paulson, a man who always wished he had taken more risks, meets a care free girl named Cynthia, who lives her life one risk after another. Cynthia brings out a side of Paulson he didn’t know he had. When they go to restaurants, she orders outlandish food that Paulson at first objects at eating, but is coerced by Cynthia to eat anyway, resulting in both of them laughing together. A laugh of love. As their romance blossoms, indicated by a montage of them doing various activities together, Paulson is shocked to see Dog The Bounty Hunter during he and Cynthia’s morning beach jog. Although Dog doesn’t see Paulson, Henry knows his time is short. He must think of a plan.

STEP 5: Paulson Trains For Inevitable Combat

Paulson enlists the help of a local boy named “Hiroku” who teaches him the way of the Muay Thai fighter. At first Paulson is resistant to Hiroku’s training methods, and proves to be a stubborn student. But during a sparring session, Hiroku fights Paulson while blindfolded, and defeats him handily. He tells Paulson that a fighter does not fight with his hands or feet, but instead with his heart and soul. If Paulson is to become victorious, Hiroku tells him he must channel his inner “bickabu” which he says means “tiger soul.” In actuality, it means “One who has baby sized penis,” but Hiroku thinks it’d be funny to hear Paulson say that out loud.

STEP 6: President Bush Reveals Himself To Be A Formidable Opponent

Bush comes into Paulson’s campsite and challenges Paulson to a “fight to the not alive.” Paulson tells him he’s ready, but just as he finishes speaking, Bush delivers a blow to Paulson’s face, knocking him to the ground. Bush and his compatriots laugh hysterically at the fallen Paulson and let him know they can’t wait to watch him be destroyed in the fight that will take place later that night.

STEP 7: Paulson Clears His Soul And Becomes Victorious

An epic battle ensues between Bush and Paulson. Bush begins the fight reigning blows upon Paulson’s head, knocking him to the ground. As Paulson’s face hits the mat, he thinks back to the training he did with Hiroku and how fucking stupid it was that he let an 11 year old asian boy train him. Paulson forgets his training and instead uses a move he learned while working in investment banking; he reaches into Bush’s chest and rips out his heart. Bush gives an awkward smile, then his body slumps to the floor. Paulson collapses to the floor as Cynthia showers him with love and affection. He’s never heard from again.

So, we think either that’s going to happen, or he might just use the money to try and unfuck our economy. One of the two.

10 Responses to "Our 700 Billion Dollar Bailout Conspiracy Theory"

  1. </a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-59903">May 13, 2009 at 11:44 am</a></div> <p>Good evening. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.<br /> I am from Burundi and now teach English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Once upon a time, they used to say – what good for general avtovaz last year was effectively taken over by rosoboronexport, the state arms export agency.Gm is trying to buy a large stake in russian car company avtovaz.”</p> <p>Thanks 8). Azize.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-19682"> <div id="comment-19682" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Spanky</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19682">September 25, 2008 at 8:09 pm</a></div> <p>You know what would be cool, if you went back to Mexico only to find that Dog the bounty hunter took the place of Paulson as the dolphin trainer. They they could do a show in the day which both he and the dolphin could have matching mullets. Then at night they could both become bounty hunters and when people ran from their houses they would go straight to the ocean where dolphin the bounty hunter would wrangle the perps up, and then hold the bad guy under water until he had accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior.<br /> Then Paulson could be waiting on the beach and then he would say somthing cool to the perp like<br /> “Do you believe in God?” At which time the guy would say “yes”. Then Paulson would say somthing like “good, ’cause you’re about to meet him.” At which time he would rip his heart out.<br /> Then there would be some random out of place sex scene in which you would see Paulsons girl in a full frontal extravaganza. She would say things like “o god” and “I’m coming (to Jesus)”.<br /> As you may have guessed, I’m unempolyed right now, giving me a great deal of time to ponder such matters.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-19683"> <div id="comment-19683" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn"><a href='http://msn' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Skummer</a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19683">September 25, 2008 at 8:22 pm</a></div> <p>Best… Photoshop… Ever.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-19684"> <div id="comment-19684" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn"><a href='http://bojangles.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Pratik</a></cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19684">September 25, 2008 at 9:24 pm</a></div> <p>This should seriously be made into a movie. It’s got everything… plot, mystery, setting, action, romance, conflict, and a sweet fight at the end.</p> <p>But back to reality: the $700B will be used to bring the rich white peoples’ lives back to the “ridiculously wealthy” level, since recent events have brought their lives down to a level of “incredibly rich.”</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-19685"> <div id="comment-19685" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Aftersun</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19685">September 25, 2008 at 9:33 pm</a></div> <p>i wish i didn read the whole thing, wasnt realy funny after all.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-19686"> <div id="comment-19686" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Magnum PI</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19686">September 25, 2008 at 10:38 pm</a></div> <p>Agreed Dog and Juanito the dolphin would make a pure awesome TeeVee show, both mulleting it. They’d need some sort of Huggybear character too… hmm.</p> <p>The juanito shot is indeed some quality adobe sweatshop chopshop.</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-19687"> <div id="comment-19687" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">Josh</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19687">September 25, 2008 at 11:05 pm</a></div> <p>Whatever happened to Dog? He just went to Mexico to take a jog?</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-19688"> <div id="comment-19688" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">rEaS</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19688">September 26, 2008 at 12:14 am</a></div> <p>I agree with aftersun..</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment even thread-even depth-1" id="li-comment-19689"> <div id="comment-19689" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">KTFO</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19689">September 26, 2008 at 9:24 am</a></div> <p>His name is Robert Paulson….his name is Robert Paulson……his name is Robert Paulson……</p> </div> </li> <li class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1" id="li-comment-19690"> <div id="comment-19690" class="commentListBox "> <div class="comment-author vcard"> <cite><cite class="fn">talking head</cite> <span class="says">says:</span></cite> </div> <div class="comment-meta commentmetadata"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/our-700-billion-dollar-bailout-conspiracy-theory/#comment-19690">October 4, 2008 at 6:03 am</a></div> <p>i’m not phychic but the workin joe will loose what little we have unemployment will continue to rise and all the while “the have it alls” will continue to have it all because the’ll use that money to pocket and not help anyone but themsevles at the cost of honest had working masses. trickledown theory is frankly absurd and volgar no merit and no truth. greed is what caused this. give the same people that caused it a blank check see what the’ll do. very little., but the fearing masses eat it up. keep the people in fear and keep them in control. keep races devided and keep the masses weak, confused and in fear of the future keeps them under complete submission.</p> </div> </li> </ol> </div> <div class="post-4276 post type-post status-pending format-standard hentry category-articles tag-700-billion-dollar-bailout tag-blog-entry tag-news tag-paulson teaser blog-teaser category-another" id="post-4276"> <h1 class="article-title"><a href="http://www.holytaco.com/?p=4276" rel="bookmark">Our 700 Billion Dollar Bailout Conspiracy Theory</a></h1> <!--<div class="date"> | </div>--> <iframe src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.holytaco.com%2F%3Fp%3D4276&layout=standard&show_faces=false&width=190&action=like&colorscheme=light&height=30" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" style="border:none; overflow:hidden; vertical-align: middle; width:260px; height:30px; margin-top:2px;" allowTransparency="true"></iframe> <span class="google-1"><script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script><g:plusone size="small"></g:plusone></span> <div class="article_info"> <div class="author_photo"></div> <div class="posted_date">posted 09/24/2008 <br /><span class="author_name">by <a href="http://www.holytaco.com/author/"></a></span> </div> </div> <div class="blog_content"><p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/ad551d42-fe8b-4af3-8a12-2b71752f71f3.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4564" title="Financial Crisis" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/ad551d42-fe8b-4af3-8a12-2b71752f71f3.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="354" /></a></p> <p>The economy is in the shitter and now Henry Paulson is saying we need 700 billion dollars to bail us out. We here at the Taco think the only people who ask for 700 billion dollars are evil geniuses. Therefore, here’s what we think is going to happen, step by step.</p> <p><strong>STEP 1: Paulson Skips Town With The Money And Heads To A Remote Beach Country</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson1.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4566" title="paulson1" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson1.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="333" /></a></p> <p>Paulson heads to Dulles airport in Washington D.C. where he buys a plane ticket to somewhere in Mexico, under his new name “Henry Paulsone.” As he goes through customs he’s stopped by an officer who notices the 700 billion dollar check he’s carrying. The officer stares him down and says “Wait a second, I know you.” Paulson(e) freezes, terrified he’s been caught. A tense moment of silence, then the officer remarks, “Yeah, you’re that one dude who plays the angry doctor on Scrubs. Nice. Have a good vacation and don’t spend that 700 billion all in one place!”</p> <p><strong>STEP 2: “Paulsone” Enjoys His New Life</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/pauluson2.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4567" title="pauluson2" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/pauluson2.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="375" /></a></p> <p>Paulson quickly blends into his new surroundings in Mexico. He realizes that his real passion is not being a high level government official, but instead, a dolphin trainer. He becomes fast friends with “Juanito” the dolphin and they do several shows a day that enthrall the local audiences.</p> <p><strong>STEP 3: George Bush Announces He’s Going To Do Whatever It Takes To Find Paulson And The Money</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson3.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4568" title="paulson3" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson3.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="552" /></a></p> <p>With America enraged over their stolen money, President Bush enlists the help of the only man he knows can find Paulson; Dog the Bounty Hunter. Although the C.I.A., F.B.I. and several 5 star generals attempt to tell the president that he should use any one of a number of government agencies at his disposal that are specifically designed for finding individuals, the President disregards their advice on the grounds that “no one is as f’in’ sweet as Dog.”<br /> <!--break--></p> <p><strong>STEP 4: Paulson Meets The Woman Of His Dreams, Then Realizes He’s Being Tracked</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson4.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4569" title="paulson4" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson4.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="329" /></a></p> <p>Paulson, a man who always wished he had taken more risks, meets a care free girl named Cynthia, who lives her life one risk after another. Cynthia brings out a side of Paulson he didn’t know he had. When they go to restaurants, she orders outlandish food that Paulson at first objects at eating, but is coerced by Cynthia to eat anyway, resulting in both of them laughing together. A laugh of love. As their romance blossoms, indicated by a montage of them doing various activities together, Paulson is shocked to see Dog The Bounty Hunter during he and Cynthia’s morning beach jog. Although Dog doesn’t see Paulson, Henry knows his time is short. He must think of a plan.</p> <p><strong>STEP 5: Paulson Trains For Inevitable Combat</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson5.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4570" title="paulson5" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson5.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="652" /></a></p> <p>Paulson enlists the help of a local boy named “Hiroku” who teaches him the way of the Muay Thai fighter. At first Paulson is resistant to Hiroku’s training methods, and proves to be a stubborn student. But during a sparring session, Hiroku fights Paulson while blindfolded, and defeats him handily. He tells Paulson that a fighter does not fight with his hands or feet, but instead with his heart and soul. If Paulson is to become victorious, Hiroku tells him he must channel his inner “bickabu” which he says means “tiger soul.” In actuality, it means “One who has baby sized penis,” but Hiroku thinks it’d be funny to hear Paulson say that out loud.</p> <p><strong>STEP 6: President Bush Reveals Himself To Be A Formidable Opponent</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson6.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4571" title="paulson6" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson6.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="330" /></a></p> <p>Bush comes into Paulson’s campsite and challenges Paulson to a “fight to the not alive.” Paulson tells him he’s ready, but just as he finishes speaking, Bush delivers a blow to Paulson’s face, knocking him to the ground. Bush and his compatriots laugh hysterically at the fallen Paulson and let him know they can’t wait to watch him be destroyed in the fight that will take place later that night.</p> <p><strong>STEP 7: Paulson Clears His Soul And Becomes Victorious</strong></p> <p><a href="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson-heart.jpg" rel="nofollow"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-4572" title="paulson-heart" src="http://cdn2.holytaco.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/paulson-heart.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="330" /></a></p> <p>An epic battle ensues between Bush and Paulson.  Bush begins the fight reigning blows upon Paulson’s head, knocking him to the ground.  As Paulson’s face hits the mat, he thinks back to the training he did with Hiroku and how fucking stupid it was that he let an 11 year old asian boy train him.  Paulson forgets his training and instead uses a move he learned while working in investment banking; he reaches into Bush’s chest and rips out his heart.  Bush gives an awkward smile, then his body slumps to the floor.  Paulson collapses to the floor as Cynthia showers him with love and affection.  He’s never heard from again.</p> <p>So, we think either that’s going to happen, or he might just use the money to try and unfuck our economy.  One of the two.</p> </div> <!-- Taboola --> <div id='taboola-below-article'></div> <script type="text/javascript"> window._taboola = window._taboola || []; 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