Here at the Taco, we argue quite a bit about movies. Actually, our day is probably spent mostly arguing about movies. One movie that seems to keep coming up in our discussions is the Michael Bay explosionfest known as Transformers. If you haven’t seen Transformers, save yourself the four dollar rental and just go outside, find a construction area, and spin around in circles for two hours while standing next to someone operating a jackhammer.
Anyway, there’s one plot point in the movie that is so mind-bogglingly retarded that we discuss it at least once a week, because we can’t figure out the answer for it. I’ll get back to this in a moment. Flash back to this Saturday night: one of our friends, Brian, somehow gets invited by a friend of his to a party at Shia LaBeouf’s house. There are a few questions in this world that you have to answer "Yes" to if the opportunity ever presents itself. “Would you like another donut?” and “Did you lose twenty bucks?" are two of those questions. “Would you like to go to a party at Shia Labeouf’s house?” is not one of those questions, but when you’ve been drinking since 2 in the afternoon, and someone asks you that at 11 p.m., it becomes something that you feel you have to say "Yes" to. So Brian gets to Shia La Beouf’s party, and there are basically just a bunch of 19-year old chicks, a lot of free booze, and Shia Labeouf, so basically the scenario that most of us masturbate to each night, save for the LaBeouf. Or in the case of my cousin, save for the chicks.
At this point, Brian is trying not to be around LaBeouf because, well, it’s Shia La Beouf, but eventually he sees LaBeouf sitting by himself in the hot tub. Brian, being the social drunk that he is, sits down next to La Beouf, and gives a brief, “Hey,” and then immediately launches into the epic Transformers plot hole debate by saying, “Okay, Shia La Beouf, in Transformers, how come the big fuggin’ good robot, Optimal Prime or whatever, doesn’t just kill himself to save the world?”
LaBeouf, is a little off-put, but he cordially responds by saying, “Um, what are you talking about, dude?” Brian continues: “Well, like, at any time during the movie, Optimum Primus can take the rubik’s cube thing that the bad guys are after and just stick it in his chest, which will kill him, destroy the cube thing, and save the world. But instead, Optima is like “nah, I want to try and fight them and survive, and then, only if it looks like I’m absolutely, positively going to die, then I’ll kill myself with the cube thing.” At this point, Shia is just staring blankly at Brian, and there’s this eerie silence, quickly followed by Brian’s follow up: “I mean, a) he’s a fuggin’ robot, so what does he care about living or dying, and b) how selfish is it that he won’t give his robot life to save the ENTIRE WORLD? I mean, what an asshole, right?”
For some reason, Shia felt the need to defend the film to Brian, so he was like, “Well, I guess you’re right, but then there’d be no point to the second half the movie.” Then Brian was like, “Exactly!” like he was fuckin’ Perry Mason and he just broke down a key witness. Apparently though, Shia’s friends saw Brian and thought to themselves, “What the hell is that drunk dude doing saying shit like “Exactly!” to Shia?” So they figured he had beef, and they came to cool Shia down, except Shia wasn’t really pissed off at all, at least not at Brian.
We’re not sure if the alcohol had suddenly turned on Shia, or if he had just realized (with Brian’s help) that his career-launching film about giant space-robots was kind of illogical, but something tripped the switch in Shia’s brain, and he was not having any more of this evening. So instead, Shia goes apeshit on his friends, and stands up in the hot tub, wearing only his soaked-through tightie whities, weiner clearly visible, and screams at his friends: “You guys are the ones who need to cool the f*&k down! Me and this guy are just having a conversation about Transformers! In fact, you all can get the hell out of my house!”
In the end, Brian decided that he should just leave the party. The 19-year old chicks went back to the bathroom to snort coke, and La Beouf went back to (we assume) reflecting upon his newly-enlightened perspective on Transformers, and Brian’s adventure ended there…almost. It turns out the next day, Brian realized that he had left his sunglasses at the La Beouf residence, and it looks like we’ll be taking a lunch-time field trip to La Beouf Manor to reclaim them, and you can bet your sweet bippy that as soon as he answers the door, we’re going to jump right into the Transformers conversation again, just to see what happens. In closing: