Yesterday Tom Brady suffered a knee injury during a game against a high school team from Missouri. Now, reports have come out that Brady may be out for the entire season. We here at the Taco think this is total bullshit. Bill Belichick is far too evil and all powerful to let Tom Brady become injured. But the Patriots are getting shittier by the second, so they need some kind of motivation. Thus, we propose this is the start of yet another of his evil schemes. Let us walk you through it.
STEP 1: Belichick tells Matt Cassel To Kill Tom Brady While He’s In The Hospital
Cassel was drafted exactly for this purpose. His four years as a quarterback at USC rendered his brain retarded and easily influenced. Belichick tells Cassel that if he sneaks into the hospital and Kills Tom Brady, then he’ll become the greatest quarterback in the world and his penis will become the greatest penis in the world. Cassel agrees. Brady of course, knows this is going to happen as he’s privy to the plan, and murders Cassel. Then he cuts off his own finger tips, attaches them to Cassels, lights the hospital on fire and escapes. The police arrive and find what they think is Tom Brady’s dead body. No one poses any questions when Matt Cassel fails to show up to practice ever again.
2.Funeral Held for Brady
A huge funeral is held. Randy Moss is told by Bellichek to be a pall bearer to which he responds, “The only Pall Bearer Randy Moss is goin’ be Pall Bearin’ for is Randy Moss.” Bellichick then explains to Randy the impossibility of that statement, and Randy agrees to carry Brady’s casket.
3.The Town Of Boston Self-Destructs
Because Tom Brady was so incredibly good looking, he single handedly kept Boston’s attractiveness level juuuust high enough to maintain sanity in the city. With his absence, the people of the city are forced to look at each other, and upon finding that everyone is pasty white and overweight, the city devolves into Mayhem.
4. Brady Hides Out And Is Nursed Back To Health By A Local Women
She feeds him berries and sweet water and teaches him that the only person who can destroy Tom Brady…is Tom Brady. He learns to find his inner strength and call upon a higher power inside him to feel the ebb and flow of the earth’s natural energy. He also does her like one million times in two and a half months.
5. As An Unmotivated Patriots Team Scrapes By, Brady Gains His Strength
Brady is fully healthy and on the day he prepares to leave the local woman and her small village, she and he walk through the town, discussing all he’s learned and how he will miss her. He says goodbye to Mitzov, a cherubic baker who was weary at first of Brady’s presence, but grew to love him more than anyone. Also Brady does the local woman a few more times.
6. Brady Returns!
Brady returns to the shock of an entire nation. The new and improved Brady leads the Patriots to the Super Bowl. On the last play, with the Patriots down 6 and 1 second left, from their own four yard line, Brady throws a 96 yard pass that changes direction several times during flight, landing right into the hands of Wes Welker, who broke free due to a legion of small animals attacking the defensive back assigned to cover him.
So, basically that’s what we think is going to happen. Or it could just be that Brady is out for the year.
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