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Our Tom Brady Conspiracy Theory

Yesterday Tom Brady suffered a knee injury during a game against a high school team from Missouri. Now, reports have come out that Brady may be out for the entire season. We here at the Taco think this is total bullshit. Bill Belichick is far too evil and all powerful to let Tom Brady become injured. But the Patriots are getting shittier by the second, so they need some kind of motivation. Thus, we propose this is the start of yet another of his evil schemes. Let us walk you through it.

STEP 1: Belichick tells Matt Cassel To Kill Tom Brady While He’s In The Hospital

Cassel was drafted exactly for this purpose. His four years as a quarterback at USC rendered his brain retarded and easily influenced. Belichick tells Cassel that if he sneaks into the hospital and Kills Tom Brady, then he’ll become the greatest quarterback in the world and his penis will become the greatest penis in the world. Cassel agrees. Brady of course, knows this is going to happen as he’s privy to the plan, and murders Cassel. Then he cuts off his own finger tips, attaches them to Cassels, lights the hospital on fire and escapes. The police arrive and find what they think is Tom Brady’s dead body. No one poses any questions when Matt Cassel fails to show up to practice ever again.

2.Funeral Held for Brady

A huge funeral is held. Randy Moss is told by Bellichek to be a pall bearer to which he responds, “The only Pall Bearer Randy Moss is goin’ be Pall Bearin’ for is Randy Moss.” Bellichick then explains to Randy the impossibility of that statement, and Randy agrees to carry Brady’s casket.

3.The Town Of Boston Self-Destructs

Because Tom Brady was so incredibly good looking, he single handedly kept Boston’s attractiveness level juuuust high enough to maintain sanity in the city. With his absence, the people of the city are forced to look at each other, and upon finding that everyone is pasty white and overweight, the city devolves into Mayhem.

4. Brady Hides Out And Is Nursed Back To Health By A Local Women

She feeds him berries and sweet water and teaches him that the only person who can destroy Tom Brady…is Tom Brady. He learns to find his inner strength and call upon a higher power inside him to feel the ebb and flow of the earth’s natural energy. He also does her like one million times in two and a half months.

5. As An Unmotivated Patriots Team Scrapes By, Brady Gains His Strength

Brady is fully healthy and on the day he prepares to leave the local woman and her small village, she and he walk through the town, discussing all he’s learned and how he will miss her. He says goodbye to Mitzov, a cherubic baker who was weary at first of Brady’s presence, but grew to love him more than anyone. Also Brady does the local woman a few more times.

6. Brady Returns!

Brady returns to the shock of an entire nation. The new and improved Brady leads the Patriots to the Super Bowl. On the last play, with the Patriots down 6 and 1 second left, from their own four yard line, Brady throws a 96 yard pass that changes direction several times during flight, landing right into the hands of Wes Welker, who broke free due to a legion of small animals attacking the defensive back assigned to cover him.

So, basically that’s what we think is going to happen. Or it could just be that Brady is out for the year.


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15 Responses to "Our Tom Brady Conspiracy Theory"

  1. spanky says:

    Does this mean no perfect season? Funny as hell. As far as Jack Sackless is concerned, if he’s so funny, mabey he can get a job writing for you guys. In the mean time he should go to the kitchen and see about fixing himself a nice tall glass of SHUT UP juice.

    P.S. Did the whole shut up juice comment seem a little immature? If it did, I appoligize. Next time I’ll just ask him to rethink his comments.

  2. A.K.A. says:

    @Jack Sack He was being dead serious Sack. Just look on page three of the Boston globe. It’s all there. As for you, I think you owe the author of this article an apology.

  3. hi there says:

    i am so sad that the pats did not win the super bowl last year, i live in miami and hate the dolphins so much with their retarded 72 team. jesus. we get you old fags dont you have something else to hag your hat on omg .stfu, already.
    in any case this was funny.
    not the injury… this here writting.. ya’ll did, liked it. Brady ill be alright that guys great not like faggy dolphins…cheers!

  4. Andy says:


    This may be the greatest of all the conspiracy theories. (Moon landing, 9/11, Area 51, Grover Clevelands’s beard, etc.)

  5. Morgan says:

    If you can’t at least crack a smile with this one then you take football a tad too seriously

  6. KeeblerKahn says:

    That seems a bit far fetched. I bet Bellichek will have a midget surgically attached to Tom’s leg so he can still scramble out of the pocket.

  7. Lisa Simpson says:

    Wow, Holy Taco is right! You hit that one right on the head!


  8. Jack Sack says:

    What boring drivel. If you are attempting to be funny, you have miserably failed.

  9. Eli Manning says:

    @Jack Sack. You must be a Patriots fan, huh? I thought it was funny as shit

  10. One of the greatest quarterbacks of all time suffers a possibly career ending injury in the 1st quarter in the 1st game of the season and you publish this?

    Too soon man.

    go douche yourself.

  11. Anonymous says:

    hahaha…sucks for brady and all the dousche pats fans…we r the FAVREITES

  12. Greg says:

    GO CHIEFS!!!!!!

    I’ll let it slide that you called them a high school team from missouri. I mean, the do suck. but I love my chiefs.

  13. Tyler says:

    Funny stuff Holy Taco…keep it up.

    By the way, why does your fantasy involve some dude other than yourself getting laid 2 million+ times.

    Next time shoot for you getting at least an HJ in your own fantasy.

  14. Ahaha says:

    Funny stuff.

  15. Kreegs says:

    @Eli Manning. Im a pats fan, and as much im crushed by Brady’s injury, i laughed my ass off reading this.