Everyone's family is insane. So, whenever you go home for the holidays and hang out with your third cousins and your 90-year old grandmother, you always manage to hear things that are either slightly racist, totally ridiculous, or completely nonsensical. Here are a few we overheard. If you've heard anything that made you do a double take, feel free to add them in the comments below.
Grandmother: "You know, the blacks are not stupid. They do just as good on Wheel of Fortune as all the other people."
Cousin: "Do Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"
Uncle while watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: "Snoopy's house is a lot like Marmaduke's, he has all the stuff in the world in there."
Grandfather: "You know who likes to drink? The Swedes. I was in Sweden once and there were two guys in a parking lot, drunk as skunks, hitting each other with sticks. Sticks!"
Mother: "Grandma's a big fan of Alex Trebek."
Grandmother: "What?"
Mother: "I said you like Alex Trebek."
Grandmother: "I have a bad neck?"
Grandmother: "I saw the Internet on TV the other day."
Uncle while watching the Ghost Whisperer: "Is this a program about gypsies and whores?"
Aunt: "I go to your site, Hot Taco, every couple weeks."
Dad: "You're not supposed to shoot that, it's sipping whiskey."
Mom: "Worry about how you drink your own whiskey."
Aunt: "Your dog's got a big asshole."
Me: (on the phone with my brother while everyone is sitting at dinner): Do you want to talk to anyone else here?
Brother: I'm not getting good reception here so I should probably hang up.
Me: Dude, caller ID says this is your home number.
(silence)
Brother: Did anyone hear you say that?
Feel free to add your own family quote in the comment section below.
grandfather-inlaw: Em, is your colored friend a nurse at St johns?
Em: you me Kay?...yes.
Cousin of em: Hey grandpa, I'm dating a black girl named Sheniqua. plays basketball. and has 2 kids. and 1 leg. hahahah
grandfather-inlaw: The blacker the berry...
white people: HAHAHAHA
Me (brown-guy): *stands up and quietly exits room*
Said my father to all the family and guests after my mother worked for 8 hours cooking a Thanksgiving Feast....., which was tasted fucking awesome as it does every year.
Father: "That sure is a great recipe for cooking the turkey I got off the TV!"
(He was channel surfing at 2 channels per second one day and saw a turkey and yelled for my mom to come and see some cooking channel show about cooking a turkey - which is basically the same as how almost every person cooks a turkey, every person except him who cannot cook an egg.)
Mom says nothing and looks at me in fear because she knows it's coming...
Me: "Shut the fuck up Dad. You would starve to death if mom went away for three days." I knew this because he nearly starved to death when my mom went away for three days..
Grandmother to me: "Don't talk to your Dad like that!"
Grandmother to Dad: "Shut up Albert, you would starve to death if your wife went away!"
As my Indian girlfriend was standing behind me, my grandmother with Alzheimer's says: "So where's your n-word girlfriend?" Me: "Umm... she's from India and she's right here." Her: "Don't tell her I said that."
From my aunt to my "cousin"; "Since you're pregnant... and breastfeeding, maybe you shouldn't take those pills every 3 hours." Cousin to aunt, "fuck you!!!!! where are my kids????.....were leaving......."
During a solid round of Apples to Apples, Grandma laid down the green card for "easy", so naturally I played my girl scouts card. I think more things were said with her stare than could have possible been put into words. Later I redeemed myself with a Helen Keller for "Touchy-Feely", a classic move.
My sister is some kind of weird jew/agnostic/atheist/pagan whatever thing. Needless to say, with my family being catholic, this can lead to weird situations.
So we're at thanksgiving with family friends, some southern baptists, and they ask her to say grace. She goes 'uuhhhhh' and ends up making a big deal out of it and the whole rest of the night is fucking awkward and i wanted to get out of there as fast as possible
My grandma farted during dinner VERY loudly (and at a awkward silence part of the conversation too) and apparently her hearing aid isn't working very well so she doesn't hear it....
Being the youngest at the table (21) and having about 25 years between me and the next oldest person I awkwardly look around hoping that at least one other person heard it and will acknowledge it and no one does... I end up breaking out in laughter and having my dad shoot me a very angry look causing my uncles girlfriend to start laughing and we both have to leave the table we are laughing so hard.
Me: Dude, know one wants to watch this House marathon
Bro: well the game is 21-0, who the hell wants to watch that.
Me: Its better than House
Bro: Fine, the whole family has to watch football. You happy?
Me:(silence) Who the hell cares what you think, your in your god damn pajamas.
after spending the entire meal arguing politics loudly, my totally trashed southern belle grandmother says, cheerfully: "okay, well, let's have dessert. then we can talk about sex!"
after spending the entire meal arguing politics loudly, my totally trashed southern belle grandmother says, cheerfully: "okay, well, let's have dessert. then we can talk about sex!"
While playing my cousin was playing Call of Duty World at War, my uncle started talking about how he's glad the Nazi's were defeated back in World War I. My brother and I were like uhhh, no there were no Nazi's in World War One.
I want to thank each and every person who shared their experience. Now I don't feel so bad about my family....nah, I still feel bad.
My uncle was asked to say the blessing. He carried on and drug it out for a while, saying thanks for about everything you could imagine. After a good 3 minutes of prayer, he finished off with, "...and be with our new n*gger president elect and all his white n*gger friends who'll be moving to the white house with him. Amen."
We all sat in total silence. After we got our composure back and started eating, my uncle then started up a lengthy one-way conversation about squirrel nuts and why they are so damn fuzzy.
soon after eating dinner and the family ran out of things to talk about, the subject landed on reality tv. We began discussing the show celeberity rehab.
ME: Gary Busey is the caziest man live.
cousin #1: oh ya they all are kind of crazy, i think its because most of them were sexually abused as children.
aunt: thats the worst thing anyone can do to a child.
Cousin #2:(who may or may not of been drunk): well there all about 40 now they should just get over it!
Cousin #3: i work with sexually abused children and its a little hard for them to get over it.
there was maybe a solid minute of awkward silence until i broke it by saying "why is Gary Busey so crazy?"
Grandmother: I thought you were dead and no one told me........
Cousin: Do you have any guns for sale?
Me: Why?
Cousin: I am getting ready for the race war!
Uncle: who is racing?
Dad: NASCAR rules?
Uncle: Clint Bower is a jerk off Dale should have won it.....
Cousin: NO Obama is going to wreck everything!!
Dad: Boy are you simple Obama is president of the US not NASCAR...
Uncle: I knew it fucking Black guy gets in office and next thing you know he is going to stop NASCAR the only sport us white fokes have left. Goddaminit McCain what the hell happened....
Me: yeah Ill sell you my 45.
Grandpa: (who is 92) The doctor says that there isn't any nerve damage in my hand; it's numb because I'm so fucking old.
Me: Oh man, Grandpa, that sucks.
Grandpa: Well, not so much - now it feels like "the stranger" every time!! HA!
Grandma: Weeeeeeellll, isn't that nice?
Granpa about 60 or 70 at thanks giving dinner: so did you here about the bombings in Mexico? Some hundred thousands dies
scattered relatives: oh my god thats terrible
Grandpa: yeah, the canadians are sending waer, the cubans are sending sugar, the french are sending supplies the germans are sending tool and the spanish are sending meds.
my very german mother (who is always concerened about the mistakes of america): vell wat is ze amercan governments doing?
Grandpa: resupplying the mexicans
I spent my Thanksgiving with my in-laws.
Do you know how awkward and uncomfortable it is as a twenty year old woman to explain the "Shocker" to her in-laws so her FIL will stop throwing it up in public like a gang sign?
Yeah, that was the whole highlight of my holiday.
*cringes*
I swear to God my 80 year old uncle said this to me...
Uncle: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: It's right down the hallway on the right before my room.
Uncle: Well, to be honest... I don't have to go the bathroom, I just like to hold it.
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
November 29th, 2008 at 05:04 pm
Daaaaamn...
November 28th, 2008 at 09:20 pm
that's why it's festivus for the rest of us!
November 28th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Grandmother whilst watching Family Fued: You know if I was 20 years younger I'd totally let Richard Karn go to town on my snatch
November 28th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
grandfather-inlaw: Em, is your colored friend a nurse at St johns?
Em: you me Kay?...yes.
Cousin of em: Hey grandpa, I'm dating a black girl named Sheniqua. plays basketball. and has 2 kids. and 1 leg. hahahah
grandfather-inlaw: The blacker the berry...
white people: HAHAHAHA
Me (brown-guy): *stands up and quietly exits room*
holidays awesome and uncomfortable all at once.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Said my father to all the family and guests after my mother worked for 8 hours cooking a Thanksgiving Feast....., which was tasted fucking awesome as it does every year.
Father: "That sure is a great recipe for cooking the turkey I got off the TV!"
(He was channel surfing at 2 channels per second one day and saw a turkey and yelled for my mom to come and see some cooking channel show about cooking a turkey - which is basically the same as how almost every person cooks a turkey, every person except him who cannot cook an egg.)
Mom says nothing and looks at me in fear because she knows it's coming...
Me: "Shut the fuck up Dad. You would starve to death if mom went away for three days." I knew this because he nearly starved to death when my mom went away for three days..
Grandmother to me: "Don't talk to your Dad like that!"
Grandmother to Dad: "Shut up Albert, you would starve to death if your wife went away!"
Dad: "Pass the potatoes!"
This happens at Christmas too.
November 29th, 2008 at 12:05 am
November 29th, 2008 at 12:31 am
From my aunt to my "cousin"; "Since you're pregnant... and breastfeeding, maybe you shouldn't take those pills every 3 hours." Cousin to aunt, "fuck you!!!!! where are my kids????.....were leaving......."
November 29th, 2008 at 01:14 am
During a solid round of Apples to Apples, Grandma laid down the green card for "easy", so naturally I played my girl scouts card. I think more things were said with her stare than could have possible been put into words. Later I redeemed myself with a Helen Keller for "Touchy-Feely", a classic move.
November 29th, 2008 at 03:58 am
(Larry--grandson) Here is your purse Grandma, you want me to set it on the table? ( Ethel--grandmother) No I have money in it.*
* The only people in the house were her daughter, grandson, son-in-law, & husband.
November 29th, 2008 at 09:11 am
she would bring us baskets of quail eggs, and wore a cape of vermin
November 29th, 2008 at 10:09 am
My sister is some kind of weird jew/agnostic/atheist/pagan whatever thing. Needless to say, with my family being catholic, this can lead to weird situations.
So we're at thanksgiving with family friends, some southern baptists, and they ask her to say grace. She goes 'uuhhhhh' and ends up making a big deal out of it and the whole rest of the night is fucking awkward and i wanted to get out of there as fast as possible
November 29th, 2008 at 10:19 am
this is fucking epic
November 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
(while dad is showing off new assault rifle) grandfather says: that will send the n*ggers running won't it!
November 29th, 2008 at 11:49 am
My grandma farted during dinner VERY loudly (and at a awkward silence part of the conversation too) and apparently her hearing aid isn't working very well so she doesn't hear it....
Being the youngest at the table (21) and having about 25 years between me and the next oldest person I awkwardly look around hoping that at least one other person heard it and will acknowledge it and no one does... I end up breaking out in laughter and having my dad shoot me a very angry look causing my uncles girlfriend to start laughing and we both have to leave the table we are laughing so hard.
Classic Thanksgiving.. sigh*
November 29th, 2008 at 01:11 pm
Me: Dude, know one wants to watch this House marathon
Bro: well the game is 21-0, who the hell wants to watch that.
Me: Its better than House
Bro: Fine, the whole family has to watch football. You happy?
Me:(silence) Who the hell cares what you think, your in your god damn pajamas.
November 29th, 2008 at 02:15 pm
Just have to point out in the picture, the chick in the white is flipping the bird. Fucking. Awesome.
November 29th, 2008 at 02:54 pm
after spending the entire meal arguing politics loudly, my totally trashed southern belle grandmother says, cheerfully: "okay, well, let's have dessert. then we can talk about sex!"
(this is only funny if you're from the south.)
November 29th, 2008 at 03:15 pm
after spending the entire meal arguing politics loudly, my totally trashed southern belle grandmother says, cheerfully: "okay, well, let's have dessert. then we can talk about sex!"
(this is only funny if you're from the south.)
November 29th, 2008 at 03:23 pm
uncle jim: Fuck, bro, your daughter is a hot piece of ass
November 29th, 2008 at 03:23 pm
uncle jim: Fuck, bro, your daughter is a hot piece of ass
November 29th, 2008 at 05:09 pm
While playing my cousin was playing Call of Duty World at War, my uncle started talking about how he's glad the Nazi's were defeated back in World War I. My brother and I were like uhhh, no there were no Nazi's in World War One.
So my uncle says "but aren't all Germans Nazi's?"
We just looked at him like what the FUCK?
November 29th, 2008 at 06:23 pm
Dude your niece, or whoever, in the bottom left looks like fucking damien. Did anyone check that chicks skull yet?
My thanksgiving was great tho..
November 29th, 2008 at 06:37 pm
Dude your niece, or whoever, in the bottom left looks like fucking damien. Did anyone check that chicks skull yet?
My thanksgiving was great tho..
November 29th, 2008 at 08:07 pm
she's actually throwing up the deuce.
November 29th, 2008 at 08:34 pm
I want to thank each and every person who shared their experience. Now I don't feel so bad about my family....nah, I still feel bad.
My uncle was asked to say the blessing. He carried on and drug it out for a while, saying thanks for about everything you could imagine. After a good 3 minutes of prayer, he finished off with, "...and be with our new n*gger president elect and all his white n*gger friends who'll be moving to the white house with him. Amen."
We all sat in total silence. After we got our composure back and started eating, my uncle then started up a lengthy one-way conversation about squirrel nuts and why they are so damn fuzzy.
November 29th, 2008 at 09:55 pm
Grandpa: Of course I voted yes on Prop 8, we should just sent all the queers and black folks to the land of watermelons where they belong.
Grandma: How would that benefit the gays? It should be the land of watermelons AND bananas.
November 30th, 2008 at 10:34 am
soon after eating dinner and the family ran out of things to talk about, the subject landed on reality tv. We began discussing the show celeberity rehab.
ME: Gary Busey is the caziest man live.
cousin #1: oh ya they all are kind of crazy, i think its because most of them were sexually abused as children.
aunt: thats the worst thing anyone can do to a child.
Cousin #2:(who may or may not of been drunk): well there all about 40 now they should just get over it!
Cousin #3: i work with sexually abused children and its a little hard for them to get over it.
there was maybe a solid minute of awkward silence until i broke it by saying "why is Gary Busey so crazy?"
November 30th, 2008 at 02:38 pm
Sitting around the table
Aunt (piss drunk): So does anyone know exactly what a reacharound is?
Me: (spraying my Blue Moon into my little brother sitting across the table's face)
Mom: I really don't think thats appropriate with your 4 year old twins sitting right next to you and all
Dad: Why you know what one is? What the fuck is wrong with you woman?
I mean i gotta beg for it and here you are giving reacharounds?
Aunt: still unclear on what one....
Uncle: Tell me about it! This bitch wont even suck me off every now and again!
Me: (Coughing up corn)
silence.....silence.....silence......
Cousin: Speaking of suck take a look at those Lions.
Classic
November 30th, 2008 at 07:02 pm
I think I smell another View segment brewing here....
November 30th, 2008 at 07:13 pm
Grandmother (her response to the complaints of the other elderly women at the retirement home) : "I have Syphilis"
December 1st, 2008 at 06:00 am
Very religious family. 90 year old grandmother has fallen asleep on the sofa during the football game after lunch.
Dad walks over to her and says: "Mom, you want to go lay down in one of the beds?"
Grandma: "I'm trying to take a God Damned nap!"
Dad, walking off muttering under his breath: "Grumpy old bitch!"
December 1st, 2008 at 06:13 am
Grandmother: I thought you were dead and no one told me........
Cousin: Do you have any guns for sale?
Me: Why?
Cousin: I am getting ready for the race war!
Uncle: who is racing?
Dad: NASCAR rules?
Uncle: Clint Bower is a jerk off Dale should have won it.....
Cousin: NO Obama is going to wreck everything!!
Dad: Boy are you simple Obama is president of the US not NASCAR...
Uncle: I knew it fucking Black guy gets in office and next thing you know he is going to stop NASCAR the only sport us white fokes have left. Goddaminit McCain what the hell happened....
Me: yeah Ill sell you my 45.
December 1st, 2008 at 08:38 am
Aunt: so how about all those fires in California?
Me: yeah that's crazy.
Aunt: It's cause of all the gays.
Me: What?!
Aunt: It's cause of all the gays and the Mexicans that live in southern California.
Me:riiiiiight.
Aunt: Yeah and that hurricane hit New Orleans cause of all the N***ers. It's God's way of punishing all of them.
Me: I didn't know God had it out for Blacks and Mexicans.
Aunt: So did you get married in the church yet? You're going to hell otherwise.
Me: Hey doesn't God look down on that whole judging thing?
Silence....then she goes on to ruin someone elses day.
December 1st, 2008 at 06:27 pm
Grandpa: (who is 92) The doctor says that there isn't any nerve damage in my hand; it's numb because I'm so fucking old.
Me: Oh man, Grandpa, that sucks.
Grandpa: Well, not so much - now it feels like "the stranger" every time!! HA!
Grandma: Weeeeeeellll, isn't that nice?
December 1st, 2008 at 07:11 pm
Granpa about 60 or 70 at thanks giving dinner: so did you here about the bombings in Mexico? Some hundred thousands dies
scattered relatives: oh my god thats terrible
Grandpa: yeah, the canadians are sending waer, the cubans are sending sugar, the french are sending supplies the germans are sending tool and the spanish are sending meds.
my very german mother (who is always concerened about the mistakes of america): vell wat is ze amercan governments doing?
Grandpa: resupplying the mexicans
December 2nd, 2008 at 06:39 am
I spent my Thanksgiving with my in-laws.
Do you know how awkward and uncomfortable it is as a twenty year old woman to explain the "Shocker" to her in-laws so her FIL will stop throwing it up in public like a gang sign?
Yeah, that was the whole highlight of my holiday.
*cringes*
December 3rd, 2008 at 09:00 pm
I swear to God my 80 year old uncle said this to me...
Uncle: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: It's right down the hallway on the right before my room.
Uncle: Well, to be honest... I don't have to go the bathroom, I just like to hold it.
December 15th, 2008 at 09:22 pm
grandpa- "i don't know how you where those high heels, i wore them around once and it was a nightmare."
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