Everyone's family is insane. This is why, whenever you go home for the holidays and hang out with your third cousins and your 90-year old grandmother, you always manage to hear things that are either slightly racist, totally ridiculous, or completely nonsensical. Here are a few gems we overheard at Thanksgiving. If you've heard anything that made you do a double-take, feel free to add them in the comments below.
Nephew: "How do they make the gooey stuff in the pecan pie?"
Dad: "Eat a handful of pecans and then wait about 2 hours. You'll have a whole bowl of that shit whether you like it or not."
Uncle: "Let me give you a piece of advice: if you ever find a skin tag on your testicles, don't try to cut it off with scissors."
Dad: "Hi, son. Welcome home. Be careful around the dog. Her vagina's all swelled up."
Cousin: "Do Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"
Me: "Did you finish the Twilight book you were reading?"
Mom: "Yes."
Me: "Was it good?"
Mom: "I think your dad is a vampire."
Aunt: "Your dog's got a big asshole."
Dad: You wanna hear my new idea for a business?
Brother: Sure.
Dad: Let me ask you this: if you were at the Swap Meet---
Brother: No.
Dad: Go f*ck yourself.
Uncle: "Your brother tells me you share an office with a J-O-O."
Me:(on the phone with my brother while everyone is sitting at dinner): Do you want to talk to anyone else here?
Brother: I'm not getting good reception here so I should probably hang up.
Me: Dude, caller ID says this is your home number.
(silence)
Brother: Did anyone hear you say that?
Dad:(yelling from the bathroom) Somebody bring me a big stick or something. The toilet's clogged again.
Mom: I like Sarah Palin.
Dad: Sarah Palin is the most worthless whore that ever shit behind a 4-inch pair of pumps.
Mom: Don't use that language at the dinner table.
Dad: Get me some pie.
Mom: Do you really have to get drunk on moonshine before the rest of the family gets here?
Dad: Do you want me to stay for Thanksgiving?
Cousin: "Can you get a cramp in your penis?"
Aunt: "No."
Uncle: "Yes you can. Yes you can."
Dad: (sharing a sandwich with the dog) When I eat, the dog eats. We always share sandwiches.
Cousin: Is the dog's butthole connected to his tail? It seems like it should be.
Uncle: No, idiot. If that were the case, he could pinch the shit off just by lowering his tail, instead of shaking around like he's trying to pass a peach seed. But if he could, it'd be like those play-doh toys you boys used to have.
Aunt:(to other Aunt) Ooh! Tell the big black dildo story again!
Feel free to add your own family quote in the comment section below.
"Back in high school, there were these horses across the street from us, and we would always jump on 'em bareback and try to hang on. After awhile, we got good at it, so we would take our shirts off and try to beat each other off while we were riding."
-My girlfriend's dad last year; almost died trying not to laugh.
"Oh, that's not that bad," my girlfriend's mom after telling her what a "superman" was the year before that.
I think the next one might be from last Christmas, but definitely worth repeating.
So we're sitting around watching the shitty Ben Stiller movie "The Heartbreak Kid" when the bitch queefs, and my gf's dad ask what a queef is. No one answers and he presses the question; at this point me and my brother-in-law are in tears holding back laughter. Finally, a couple of minutes later "Ohhh, a queef," followed by laughter.
Nothing to report this year. It was a sad thanksgiving with everyone (but me) eating in their pajamas. I ate, went home, got stoned and played xbox live. Yay holidays.
Some guy came over for dinner and he's married to a Japanese woman. The older relatives started asking her about Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid. What city he was from in Japan etc. for about 5 minutes. The wife didn't know who the hell they were talking about but the guy looked pretty uncomfortable.
Looks like Dad confused Sarah Palin with Adolf Judas Obama. It's not his fault if he's a democrap. I used to say that Democraps were retards, but I now realize that is an insult to retards.
Aunt: We went to a Mellisa Ethridge concert and you wouldn't believe how many lesbians there were. Talked to your mom about it and she said they must have bussed them in.
=/
Then she apologized to me and I found out my entire family thinks I'm a closet lesbo, awesome.
(34 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
November 30th, 2009 at 10:16 am
J-O-O is ripped from Southpark!!
November 30th, 2009 at 10:40 am
this is a mix of lazy shitty writing and things you actually have heard.
it's clear which ones are which.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Little Brother: Where does a cat's pubic hair stop and its fur start?
November 30th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Girlfriends Uncle: So you take this pry bar and pry down on it, while the other person jumps up and down vertically until it finally gives loose.
He was talking about how to take a really tight boot off a person.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:40 am
definitely have heard the "do jews celebrate thanksgiving" one
November 30th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Cousin: Is it racist to dress up as Gandhi for Halloween?
November 30th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
yea J-O-O is definitely from southpark
November 30th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
This time around I found out that my aunt sat on Dean Martin's face one time when he was drunk. Thanksgiving is awesome.
November 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
We had numerous outbursts from Drunk Grandpa at the dinner table this year.
"Jacksonville?? That's where I had polio!"
""The best thing about the iron lung when you're 4 years old? It gives you a giant boner."
He also went into detail about our family's KKK ancestry in front of a few new significant others and their families.
November 30th, 2009 at 01:36 pm
"Back in high school, there were these horses across the street from us, and we would always jump on 'em bareback and try to hang on. After awhile, we got good at it, so we would take our shirts off and try to beat each other off while we were riding."
-My girlfriend's dad last year; almost died trying not to laugh.
"Oh, that's not that bad," my girlfriend's mom after telling her what a "superman" was the year before that.
I think the next one might be from last Christmas, but definitely worth repeating.
So we're sitting around watching the shitty Ben Stiller movie "The Heartbreak Kid" when the bitch queefs, and my gf's dad ask what a queef is. No one answers and he presses the question; at this point me and my brother-in-law are in tears holding back laughter. Finally, a couple of minutes later "Ohhh, a queef," followed by laughter.
November 30th, 2009 at 01:37 pm
J-E-W-L-L-O puddin time
November 30th, 2009 at 02:05 pm
Nothing to report this year. It was a sad thanksgiving with everyone (but me) eating in their pajamas. I ate, went home, got stoned and played xbox live. Yay holidays.
November 30th, 2009 at 03:13 pm
Some guy came over for dinner and he's married to a Japanese woman. The older relatives started asking her about Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid. What city he was from in Japan etc. for about 5 minutes. The wife didn't know who the hell they were talking about but the guy looked pretty uncomfortable.
November 30th, 2009 at 04:28 pm
Some random guy and a Japanese woman came over?
Fake story.
November 30th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
an old relative, referring to giving up things for lent:
"I don't do that anymore...I used to give it up all the time in high school, though I was never any good at it"
November 30th, 2009 at 06:25 pm
Looks like Dad confused Sarah Palin with Adolf Judas Obama. It's not his fault if he's a democrap. I used to say that Democraps were retards, but I now realize that is an insult to retards.
I'm sorry retards.
November 30th, 2009 at 06:55 pm
dude no one gives a shit about your "genius" political views. go fuck yourself with a rusty dildo
November 30th, 2009 at 07:17 pm
...
I'd call you a retard, but that would be an insult to retards. I'll just call you Sarah Palin
December 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Oh shit Jar, you are the wittiest person on the internet ever!
please go brutally kill yourself and remove your fail from the genetic pool
November 30th, 2009 at 08:55 pm
Grandmas one finger away from giving the shocker.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:51 am
Step-Sister: I want to get a new computer, but I don't need a lot of fancy stuff so I'm not sure what you're going to get.
Me: Well I use mine for gaming and looking up stuff on the internet, so I need some pretty special options on mine.
Half-Brother: Yeah, it all depends on what you do. Like, I use mine to do research for the news and of course to look up porn.
I couldn't believe he was able to say that without laughing.
December 1st, 2009 at 02:38 am
Amazing! And fuck you south park commentators, you barely drunk bastards
December 1st, 2009 at 03:28 am
you racist fuckturds, fuck you
shit monkeys
December 1st, 2009 at 03:43 am
listen you faggoty shitfucks, who the fuck do you think you are?
you jews have committed the worst crimes in human history
you killed jesus, you are responsible for the worlds biggest financial scam(bernard madoff)
you jews pushed the iraq war even though iraq had no link to 9/11
you jews are involved in the worlds largest child porn ring
you fucking low life shit bags
burn and die in hell
December 1st, 2009 at 09:04 am
Jewish Guy FTW..
You idiots keep responding to his bullshit, which is what this lame asshole wants you to do!!
December 1st, 2009 at 11:36 am
Aunt: We went to a Mellisa Ethridge concert and you wouldn't believe how many lesbians there were. Talked to your mom about it and she said they must have bussed them in.
=/
Then she apologized to me and I found out my entire family thinks I'm a closet lesbo, awesome.
December 2nd, 2009 at 06:04 am
Well are you??
December 2nd, 2009 at 02:47 pm
well considering how much i like banging my boyfriend, im gonna say no
December 17th, 2009 at 05:04 pm
Bullshit.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:01 am
My bf referring to some chips and dip:
"I hate that u dont rape the shrimp dip. Me? I pap smear that shit."
mom has a good sense of humor so it was all laughs when she overheard.
December 2nd, 2009 at 02:56 pm
Dad to mom.. : Get off my chair or I fuck you on it right now..
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 am
"Get off of the oven, you fat twat!!"
-My uncle to my aunt, when she was sitting on the oven.
December 4th, 2009 at 08:32 am
At the SOUTHERN family's Thankgiving:
Mom: Do you want coffee?
Me: Yeah, sounds great.
Mom: Cream and sugar?
Me: No, I like my coffee black, just like my men
Mom and Dad: GET OUT
lol, just stole a line from Airplane. No humor in Alabama :)
captcha: hardline though
December 6th, 2009 at 03:03 pm
my black girlfriend at thanksgiving table with my family
gf: its pretty hot out today for this time of the year
9 year old sister: lucky you didnt stay out to long
gf: why?
little sister: because you would melt!!
girlfriend: what?
little sister: arent dark people made of chocolate?
...followed by 15 seconds of pure disbelief...
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