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Aspinall & Kwibi

The Morning Jolt: Gorilla Buddy

This isn't funny so much as kind of cool. Because I like monkeys.

By:|July 26, 2013


dark

Dreamers: A Tale of Love Most Terrible

Hi everyone, it's that time again! It's time to make a horribly self serving post. Today I don't need you to send me money, or nudie pictures, or delicious beer, but you can and should send me those things. But also, I need you to click this link. Which link? This link! This link goes to a tumblr I created that features my very own first novel.

By:|July 25, 2013


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Spreadable Things That Shouldn’t Be Spreadable

Some foods are naturally spreadable, like butter, or peanut butter, or apple butter. Other foods have been forced into spreadability to appease mankind’s epic sloth. And not like a real sloth, because an epic sloth would be cool, I mean that in the Biblical way. Epic lazy assery. Just because, through some finagling and force of will, a thing can be spread doesn’t mean it should be spread.

By:|July 24, 2013


ice

The Morning Jolt: Ice Ice Baby

YES!

By:|July 24, 2013


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The Time I Wailed a Guy in the Face with a Pepsi

I had to go out at lunch to conduct some business yesterday and figured lunch was a fine time since, you know, I could also have lunch at the same time. And so I did. Nothing fancy or special, I just stopped at some dive and got a Reuben sandwich and a Caesar salad and a Pepsi. Being a dump, they literally gave me a can of Pepsi to drink and I ended up not drinking it while I was there, opting for some delicious ice water instead.

By:|July 23, 2013


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25 Things I Should Have Done Instead of Watching RIPD

This weekend I got hoodwinked into seeing RIPD. I wanted to see the Conjuring but my feelings don’t matter and my desires are ignored like so much trash on the side of the road. Thanks for nothing, so-called friends. So I saw that mediocre film and now I can never get that hour and 51 minutes back. Here’s what I should have done instead.

By:|July 22, 2013


sand

The Morning Jolt: Gross Sandwiches

This guy loves his little sandwiches.

By:|July 22, 2013


review

Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: July 19th

God knows how Despicable Me 2 won the box office 2 weeks in a row. I’m sure it’s great and all, but come on – Pacific Rim is giant robots fighting giant aliens. Whatever, this week is probably going to red 2, but maybe RIPD. I’m going to see the Conjuring, screw that other shit.

By:|July 19, 2013


hot

Too Damn Hot: A Poem

Because it's too damn hot. I wrote tis poem.

By:|July 18, 2013


drrew

The Morning Jolt: BSB Green Screen Ninja

1000 times yes.

By:|July 18, 2013


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The 9 Best Horror Movies of the Past 5 Years

How do you pick 9 movies and call them the best of the last 5 years when probably hundreds came out including hundreds you didn’t even see? Easy! It involves heavy use of the word “arbitrary” and a lot of not giving a shit. Sometimes you just have to assume you know best and go from there.

By:|July 17, 2013


cow

The Morning Jolt: Vegan Cow Sexings

What the what?

By:|July 17, 2013


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The 5 Best Poor Foods No Money Can Buy

I’ve probably written on most kinds of foods at one time or another – the best tacos, wings, shit you can buy at the dollar store, drinks, candy and chips, but today I write about food as a public service. Cheap food. Value food! Food you can buy with $5 and have a good meal. Because I care about you and your guts.

By:|July 16, 2013


pacific-rim-movie-banner-striker-eureka-jaeger-vs-kaiju

25 Things I Need in a Pacific Rim Sequel

Naturally I saw Pacific Rim this weekend because, unlike people who saw Grown Ups 2, I have a soul that is neither black nor awash in metaphysical feces. I’m still decent. And I made the right choice because I can guarantee Grown Ups 2 was not good without even seeing it, but Pacific Rim was pretty awesome.

By:|July 15, 2013


heck

The Morning Jolt: Baseball Heckler

He stole this bit from Jim Carrey, I think.

By:|July 15, 2013


review

Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: July 12th

Last week Despicable Me 2 destroyed the Lone Ranger in humiliating and disgusting ways. The Lone Ranger is going to have to borrow money from John Carter it got ruined so bad. Probably because no one actually cares about the Lone Ranger since it’s 2013 and not 1940. But anyway...

By:|July 12, 2013


Korn-Taylor-Swift

The Morning Jolt: Korn vs Taylor Swift

It's the Korn/Taylor Swift Mashup we've been waiting for!

By:|July 12, 2013


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7 Possible Reasons Justin Bieber Pissed in that Bucket

The world is buzzing with the new video of Justin Bieber allegedly urinating in a mop bucket at a nightclub. But is that really what the video shows? Do we know exactly what was going on? Do we know the context? No. All we know for sure is that Justin Bieber is one of the greatest people on Earth. I think I’ve got some ideas about what really happened.

By:|July 11, 2013


No_right_turn

4 Things You Have No Right to Do

Every day people go about their lives confident that they have a right to be who they want to be and do what they want to be. In point of fact this is untrue. Those of us in Western democracies have rights only by social contract. I agree that you have a right because you agree that I have a right. At any moment this could destabilize under force and we could all whine about our rights while a totalitarian government beats us all into cages to harvest our precious fluids.

By:|July 10, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Aussie Beatboxer

I hope they remake Police Academy with this guy.

By:|July 10, 2013