Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 25th
It’s a brand new week at the ass end of January where few people try hard when it comes to films. Is that unfair? Not really. On the upside there’s a movie I actually want to see coming out this week. In limited release. Listen, limited release, you can suck a fart bag. No one likes limited release. Go hard or go home, cowards.
By:Ian Fortey|January 25, 2013
The Morning Jolt: The Tarsier
I have that lizard book around here somewhere.
By:Ian Fortey|January 25, 2013
Why Terrell Mims: Plagiarist Doesn’t Get It
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to be saturated in douche. Terrell Mims has resurfaced. Back in 2011 Holy Taco helped out him as a word thief, a man building his reputation on lies and deceit, copying the work of other authors (from huge, well known websites) and passing it off as his own.
By:Ian Fortey|January 24, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Do Her Louis
She's like a confusingly attractive Bobby Hill who wants to bang Louis CK. Gonna be honest, I'd watch.
By:Ian Fortey|January 24, 2013
When Internet People Make Fake Vaginas
As you know, I have a history of reviewing Fleshlights in non sexy ways. I mean, obviously you can hump one, but what else is it good for? That’s always been my point of view. But what are other people out there doing? I know that there are a lot of sites that describe methods of making your own homemade Fleshlight substitute, but what kind of advice are these guys giving each other?
By:Ian Fortey|January 23, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Louis CK and History
Normally I'd never post a Tonight Show clip but it's Louis, man!
By:Ian Fortey|January 23, 2013
Holy Taco Field Guide to Naming Groups of People
Crows come in a murder. Everyone is instantly amused when they learn this. Boars come in a sounder. Otters in a romp. Porcupines in a prickle. It’s no end of amusement to look up stuff like so long as you never question how this is official in any way or who decided on such names. But once you’ve exhausted the hilarity of groups of animals, what’s left?
By:Ian Fortey|January 22, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Shiny Suds
I don't know how I missed this commercial but it's pretty much awesome. Now use the loofah.
By:Ian Fortey|January 22, 2013
The American Idol Recap: Part 2
Once again I refuse to write anything down for about 20 minutes. Nicki Minaj is dressed like a gay leopard Sky Captain. I’m stating officially, right now, that I will not be able to continue this for a whole season. Why is this show on for another two hours the day after it was already on? This shit is going to be on the site on Monday because I have something else to put on on Friday.
By:Ian Fortey|January 21, 2013
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 18th
It’s a new week and new contenders for the throne have reared their ugly heads. Who’s currently on the throne? Zero Dark Thirty, I think. I could look but what am I, a looker? Pfft.
By:Ian Fortey|January 18, 2013
The American Idol Recap: Part 1
Oh my Jesus. I’m doing this. Gird yourselves. OK, so this year the roster got shaken up and the old ladies of yesteryear are gone, replaced with Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey and Keith Urban. 100 years ago this panel would have just been a table of sideshow freaks. Like the Bird Girl, a guy who eats live chickens and someone with flippers.
By:Ian Fortey|January 17, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Irish News
I can’t prove this is real but I don’t care.
By:Ian Fortey|January 17, 2013
Stop Yelling at Walruses: A PSA
I am a walrus. I frolic in the sea like a majestic fatty.
By:Ian Fortey|January 16, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Domino’s Pan Pizza Review
I want to eat the shit out of this pizza. The pepperoni has a great taste to it. The sauce as well. And the cheese is very nice as well.
By:Ian Fortey|January 16, 2013
The Versatility of Turd
Ahh. The noble turd. Unloved. Overlooked. Shunted aside like so much shit. The turd is ever a stalwart companion in our vulgar lexicon. Not so robust as shit, not so juvenile as poop. Not as scholarly as feces or fecund as excrement. It is, simply, turd.
By:Ian Fortey|January 15, 2013
The Morning Jolt: Classic Hockey Taunt
Man, I forgot all about this video. Camera guy, way to zoom in. You're a trooper.
By:Ian Fortey|January 15, 2013
25 Things the Internet is Better Than
It’s 2013 and according to recent studies, everyone spends all the time on the internet. Everyone. All the time. Internet. But there’s also this curious notion people have been developing that they need to spend time away from the internet, doing things like reading or being alive. But is life away from the internet all it’s cracked up to be? Do you remember what you did before the internet? Ridiculous. Here’s 25 things the internet is way better than that happen out in the real world.
By:Ian Fortey|January 14, 2013
The Morning Jolt: The Wrong Trailer
It's things like this that make me love movies.
By:Ian Fortey|January 14, 2013
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 11th
Naturally I didn’t want a single movie that came out last week because they were all abhorrent in some way. This week looks less awful, but there’s a lot opening in limited release that looks extra awful to make up for it. I’m starting to think maybe Hollywood has a weekly quote of awful that needs to be managed. Oh well, on with the show.
By:Ian Fortey|January 11, 2013
Daily Links
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