Thanksgiving for Cool Kids
So Thanksgiving is here and you don’t want to cook a turkey. Do you have a turkey? Well hey, maybe you should also go get some sweet and sour tongue and maybe cabbage soup because your dinner is already shit on a plate, no need to put in any more effort or anything is there, Chef Boyardee?
By:Ian Fortey|November 22, 2012
My New Pink Button: Product of the Day
Don’t you just hate faded and discolored labia? And do you have any idea how long I, as a writer, have been waiting to type that sentence and have it be relevant to something? What a day for a daydream today is.
By:Ian Fortey|November 21, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Gobble Gobble
You thought this was going to be obscene, didn't you? Nope, just a guy apparently having the time of his life mocking turkeys.
By:Ian Fortey|November 21, 2012
Mocking Dead: The Walking Dead recap (S3 E6)
Rick is still insane and talking on the phone to people who can’t possibly be there. Let’s be honest, the entire premise of someone randomly dialing the phone in a world that hasn’t been functioning in several years is pretty weak ass. Who’s buying this? No one. But we’ll play along.
By:Ian Fortey|November 20, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Conan Catches a Predator
Always knew Pierre had issues.
By:Ian Fortey|November 20, 2012
8 of the Best Sayings About the Moustache
The world is rife with classic sayings. A rolling stone gathers no moss, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, you can’t take your pants off on the bus. There’s plenty to choose from and, as you might expect, the noble moustache has its share of sayings as well. Will they bless you with wisdom and insight? Maybe.
By:Ian Fortey|November 19, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Opiate Suppositories
Louis CK on Conan. You can't go wrong.
By:Ian Fortey|November 19, 2012
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: November 16th
Oh man, this is some kind of week at the movies. It’s like Hollywood got drunk and woke up the next day and couldn’t explain what happened, there was just this crazy shit going on. And now we are the beneficiaries of it. Not sure what I mean? Good thing there’s a whole rest of this article to go.
By:Ian Fortey|November 16, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Dumb Ways to Die
This is the most adorable and morbid train safety video ever.
By:Ian Fortey|November 16, 2012
The Fleshlight Box Incident: Aftermath
The following is the voicemail my grandmother left me last night, transcribed for your enjoyment.
By:Ian Fortey|November 15, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Boys Night In
More BritaNick today because they make me laugh.
By:Ian Fortey|November 15, 2012
25 Things a Straight Guy is Afraid are Gay
The recent election in the US and the legalization of gay marriage in yet more states has made great strides for equality as it relates to sexuality. Back in the day, gay was the worst insult you could sling at someone on the schoolyard.
By:Ian Fortey|November 14, 2012
The Morning Jolt: The Dinner Party
Tonight's dinner is betrayal plus also perogies and maybe corn. Betrayal corn!
By:Ian Fortey|November 14, 2012
Help Jim Tews for the Love of God!
Hey everyone, remember Jim Tews? He used to write for Holy Taco until our secretary took out a restraining order against him and he wasn't allowed within 1000 yards of the building. 1000? That's a lot, Jim! Your ether-soaked rag will never knock anyone out from that far away?
By:Ian Fortey|November 13, 2012
The Fleshlight Box Incident
Not so long ago, the good people at Fleshlight got a hold of me and asked me if I’d like to review one of their newest products, the Alexis Texas Fleshlight, because I’m a journalist who reviews wang sleeves and then shares the results with you, my loyal fanbase. And I’m really good at it.
By:Ian Fortey|November 13, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Ask Propecia
Crack, it's the answer to everything.
By:Ian Fortey|November 13, 2012
Mocking Dead: The Walking Dead Recap (S3 E5)
Last week sure was intense wasn’t it? Can they keep up the intensity this week and, if so, does that mean another shitty cast member has to die? Oh man, I don’t know yet!
By:Ian Fortey|November 12, 2012
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 9th
Last week Wreck-it Ralph wrecked the box office and I actually saw it. Yes, I went to see a children’s movie, I am enlightened. But it had John C Reilly and Sarah Silverman so I assumed it would be good, and it wasn’t bad actually. I’m pleased with my choice even though I bought nachos and they were stale as shit.
By:Ian Fortey|November 9, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Farts in Italian
I will laugh at every fart, every time.
By:Ian Fortey|November 9, 2012
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