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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: June 7th

Last week After Earth farted onto screens that no one watched, ensuring that Fast 6 stayed on top of the heap pulling in a ton of cash that could have been used to buy food for the homeless. Ha ha ha! Anyway, on with this week.

By:|June 7, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Nickelback’s Greatest Hits

Remember all these awesome hits?

By:|June 7, 2013


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15 Names That Only Work for Old Men

I met a dude named Mortimer recently and I have no idea what he does or what he said to me because I got lost in his name. Mortimer. Morty. How is it someone who isn’t retired has that name in 2013? His parents must have hated him the moment they met him.

By:|June 6, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Game of Thrones Alternate Ending

The Red Wedding had a slightly different edit. As you wish.

By:|June 6, 2013


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6 of the Best Female Comedians Working Today

Not too long ago, sad old timer Jerry Lewis reiterated his distaste for female comedians, stating how unfunny they are, or something very much like that. It doesn’t matter because he’s irrelevant to the modern world and, truth be told, he was not a particularly good performer in his heyday anyway. Dean Martin carried that act. Everything Lewis did on his own was poison and don’t you deny it.

By:|June 5, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Cousin

Damn hot, underage cousins. Wait, what?

By:|June 5, 2013


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How to Cook Quinoa

Quinoa is a South America grain that has a long, boring history as do most grains if you ever find yourself hard up for reading material – the history of grains is sure to put you right to sleep. It’s become something of a popular food item in the last decade or so because who knows why? But how do you prepare the weird stuff? Follow this handy guide and you’ll be up to your nuts in quinoa in no time.

By:|June 4, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Skateboarding with Dad

Everyone likes to play with Vine.

By:|June 4, 2013


AFTER

25 Things That Could Have Improved After Earth

After Earth opened this weekend as failed Blockbuster since it seems to be universally reviled. Luckily for me I was able to go see it (not my choice) and now I have firsthand knowledge of why no one liked it – because it sucked.

By:|June 3, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Oh Ship!

Maybe step back a few paces next time.

By:|June 3, 2013


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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: May 31st

Fast 6 dominated last week because zoom! I don’t get it but who am I to judge? Just a guy who judges each and every week in this article. Yes sir.

By:|May 31, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Flying Around the Yard

You're a wizard, Harry!

By:|May 31, 2013


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The 5 Most Badass Rare Dogs in the World

Everyone likes dogs, except a large portion of society who prefer cats or no animals at all. No one prefers fish because that would be idiotic. Fish are barely event things. That said, while most of us are aware of the usual kinds of dogs in the world – your beagles and pugs and wolves – there are a few crazy ass rare breeds out there that deserve some attention for their awesomeness.

By:|May 30, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: British Animals

Alan!

By:|May 30, 2013


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Hansel and Gretel: Cinematic Gold!

You may recall but will be forgiven if you don’t that last year a movie about Hansel and Gretel, the famous Grimm’s fairy tale, was released. It starred Hawkeye and a woman who’s fallen into a terrible trap of big budget failures whose name I’ll look up later. What you may not know is that people apparently love this story so much they keep repeating it in worse and worse ways on a fairly regular basis. Let’s look!

By:|May 29, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Samesies

Sometimes you gotta make some new rules.

By:|May 29, 2013


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How to Remake Die Hard

I recently read something awful, that they’re planning to make Die Hard 13 (or whatever number, you get the idea) and it’s not even a joke, it’s a real thing. Did you know Bruce Willis will be 64 this year? He might be. I don’t know. But I do know he’s old. And that no one really liked the last two Die Hard movies.

By:|May 28, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: What Pot Does To Your Lungs

It's awful. Just awful

By:|May 28, 2013


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25 Other Shows Netflix Needs to Produce

So Arrested Development premiered its 4th season this weekend after being off the air for about 7 years and last month the Eli Roth produced Hemlock Grove proved that audiences will flock to Netflix to watch what basically amounts to Twilight if the lead actors are even marginally more talented and you toss in the C word haphazardly.

By:|May 27, 2013


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The Morning Jolt: Anal Breathing

Celebrate the long weekend with your butthole.

By:|May 27, 2013