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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 12th

Last week Evil Dead put everyone in their place and I actually went to see it and was right, it was pretty awesome. Was it the best movie ever? No, but it was alright and I don’t regret paying to see it. I would not be able to say that about any of the shitwiches that open this week.

By:|April 12, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Well Ship On Me

K Mart made a funny commercial. Holy Ship.

By:|April 12, 2013


The Didgeri-Death Metal Song

Some years ago I wrote a didgeridoo love song and it went over pretty well, won me a Grammy or two, got me some groupies, all that jazz. But did I rest on my laurels? Nah. I rested on a mean ass pillow and wrote another song. A death metal song full of angst and rage and intensity. Strap yourself in. Here it comes to fill your ear holes with blasticity. Didgeridoo blasitcity!

By:|April 11, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Inglorious Takes

I own this DVD and have never seen this feature. Must be neglecting my extras.

By:|April 11, 2013


6 Bad Ass Swimsuits

Summer is on its way faster than you can say something that will take you several months to finish saying. To get ready for the season you may need to get yourself a new swimsuit because I’m planning on hitting a lot of water slides and I expect to see some of you there with me. It’s OK if you don’t show up, just know that I hate you.

By:|April 10, 2013


The Morning Jolt: InSecurity

I got 2 hours of sleep last night because my dog has diarrhea and kept stinking up the house. I could use a blanket and some cocoa.

By:|April 10, 2013


4 Things Evil Dead Needed to be Perfect

The Evil Dead remake opened on Friday and seems to have kicked the box office’s ass, which is generally impressive for an R rated movie that kind of cuts a huge chunk of the audience from seeing it. Overall it was a well liked film with some people pointing out various flaws in the script and performances.

By:|April 9, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Sandler and Shaq

Sandler gets so much crap for his movies these days, but a bit like this is why anyone liked him in the first place. This makes me want to hang out with Adam Sandler. And kind of makes me want to hang out with Shaq, too.

By:|April 9, 2013


25 Worse Casting Choices Than Chloe Grace Moretz as Carrie

Here’s an odd one for you – usually people complain about casting choices because an actor sucks. This is the opposite.

By:|April 8, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Animal Humility

Let's knock those smug house pets down a few pegs.

By:|April 8, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 5th

Last week I watched John Dies at the End, which you can now see on DVD or Blu Ray. I have nothing much else to say about movies in theaters. I’m sure they were all wonderful and thought provoking and interesting and not shitty. Did GI Joe open? I guess so. On to this week!

By:|April 5, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Wheat Thins

Makes me want Wheat Thins. Or at least a mentally unstable puppet.

By:|April 5, 2013


8 Animals Ruined by Humans

You know who names animals? People. A dog didn’t wander into Babylon one day and tell everyone it was called a dog. The word came from an old English word for a specific kind of canine and then bam! English has a word for that animal. So every time we ruin the name of a poor, innocent animal, it’s not that animal’s fault. It’s our fault. We looked at that beast and said “that name is something I am about to make obscene” and then there it is.

By:|April 4, 2013


The Morning Jolt: This is How You Price is Right

He's like the Price is Right Rain Man.

By:|April 4, 2013


The Walking Dead Just Died: A Eulogy

I needed a couple days to work up this article because of all the emotion involved. You know the Taco loves zombies, we have zombie content up the wazoo on this site and, of course, we brought you the epic series that was the Walking Carl and its brief crossover with A Game of Hodor. Holy Taco supports zombism. But no more can I sit here and watch the Walking Dead.

By:|April 3, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Weird Al Goes Shopping

This is the best store ever.

By:|April 3, 2013


The Inner Monologue of the Easter Bunny the Day After Easter

Oh God, my back. I feel like hell. Where the hell is Margaret? Oh God. I still stink like chocolate. I hate it. Oh God, I hate children. I wish I was dead.

By:|April 2, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Pineapple Express 2

In case you missed it yesterday, here's a movie that doesn't exist.

By:|April 2, 2013


25 Acceptable Reasons to not Watch Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones returned last night and it was awesome because it could be nothing but. Some people apparently don’t watch Thrones, however and that’s OK, we all have our reasons for insane, unjustifiable behavior. Here are the only acceptable reasons for not watching Game of Thrones. Not having HBO is not a reason, incidentally because you obviously can get HBO. No one’s stopping you.

By:|April 1, 2013


The Morning Jolt: 12 Months in Estonian

Oh language, you so crazy.

By:|April 1, 2013