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The 5 Saddest Doctors of All

The way I see it, an I may be totally wrong, there are two main reasons to become a doctor. First, and hopefully most often, you want to help people. That’s the best and most noble reason to get into medicine. Second, and probably more likely than we want to admit, is money.

By:|August 6, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Digital Carjacking

This video is funny on the surface, but then terrifying if you think about it for even a second.

By:|August 6, 2013


25 More Hilarious Headlines About Olive Garden

This past weekend, news broke that a hell of a lot of people who ate salad at Olive Garden and Red Lobster restaurants ended up with a nasty stomach virus. People getting horrible sick at Olive Garden? That’s a joke that wrote itself about 15 years ago. But in light of the hundreds of reported cases and the pure Alanis Morrisette-level irony (which, by definition, means it’s not ironic. And it’s not), I figure Id try my hand at some headlines that would be just as wonderful to read about that garden of olives.

By:|August 5, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Norm and Gordon

Miss the Morning Jolt? Yeah, technical difficulties. Anyway, here it is again, with a classic Conan clip!

By:|August 5, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: August 2nd

Predictably, Wolverine destroyed everything last week with his razor claws and vascular physique. Who will dare stand against the crazy Canadian this week?!?

By:|August 2, 2013


25 Excuses For Why I’m Out of the Office Today

Although you’d never know it without me telling you, the fact is I’m not here. You’re getting this message from beyond the gra-a-a-a-ave Wait, that’s not right. You’re getting this message from yesterday. Today I have something to do. But what? None of your bees wax. Here’s a list of reason, pick which one you wish to be true the most.

By:|August 1, 2013


Anthony Weiner: Mega Troll

Mark your calendar. Today is the day I’m calling the mayoral campaign of Anthony Weiner complete and utter bullshit. It was never real. It’s an exercise in slapstick comedy. How much can Weiner do without anyone calling him out on it. He had a good run but he flew too close to the unbelievability sun and now it’s obvious that his whole campaign was a routine meant to make us all laugh.

By:|July 31, 2013


The Best Restaurant Mascots of All Time

Choosing a mascot for your restaurant is essential. If you have an asinine mascot, your restaurant will wither and die like erections before the time of Viagra. And they’ll deserve it. These days, modern restaurants try to half ass their mascots by producing chumps that appear in TV commercials and may be little more than cartoons. They suck.

By:|July 30, 2013


25 Things I Should Have Done Instead of Drunkenly Playing WoW All Night

On Saturday night I did what all men of James Bondian excitement and mystery do, I got drunk alone and played World of Warcraft for about 10 straight hours. It was the grandest waste of time I’ve partaken of in years, pretty much since I became a responsible human who has a job and a home and all that jazz.

By:|July 29, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Unsafe

She's way too excited at the end there.

By:|July 29, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: July 26th

Everyone was blown away last week when The Conjuring destroyed the box office. I finally got around to seeing it, and it’s pretty bad ass. It’s an almost perfectly constructed horror film made by someone who obviously knows what works in horror, what makes an audience jump and how to set the mood. And the best thing is, if you watch James Wan’s movies in order, you can see he’s actually getting better

By:|July 26, 2013

Aspinall & Kwibi

The Morning Jolt: Gorilla Buddy

This isn't funny so much as kind of cool. Because I like monkeys.

By:|July 26, 2013


Dreamers: A Tale of Love Most Terrible

Hi everyone, it's that time again! It's time to make a horribly self serving post. Today I don't need you to send me money, or nudie pictures, or delicious beer, but you can and should send me those things. But also, I need you to click this link. Which link? This link! This link goes to a tumblr I created that features my very own first novel.

By:|July 25, 2013


Spreadable Things That Shouldn’t Be Spreadable

Some foods are naturally spreadable, like butter, or peanut butter, or apple butter. Other foods have been forced into spreadability to appease mankind’s epic sloth. And not like a real sloth, because an epic sloth would be cool, I mean that in the Biblical way. Epic lazy assery. Just because, through some finagling and force of will, a thing can be spread doesn’t mean it should be spread.

By:|July 24, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Ice Ice Baby


By:|July 24, 2013


The Time I Wailed a Guy in the Face with a Pepsi

I had to go out at lunch to conduct some business yesterday and figured lunch was a fine time since, you know, I could also have lunch at the same time. And so I did. Nothing fancy or special, I just stopped at some dive and got a Reuben sandwich and a Caesar salad and a Pepsi. Being a dump, they literally gave me a can of Pepsi to drink and I ended up not drinking it while I was there, opting for some delicious ice water instead.

By:|July 23, 2013


25 Things I Should Have Done Instead of Watching RIPD

This weekend I got hoodwinked into seeing RIPD. I wanted to see the Conjuring but my feelings don’t matter and my desires are ignored like so much trash on the side of the road. Thanks for nothing, so-called friends. So I saw that mediocre film and now I can never get that hour and 51 minutes back. Here’s what I should have done instead.

By:|July 22, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Gross Sandwiches

This guy loves his little sandwiches.

By:|July 22, 2013


Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: July 19th

God knows how Despicable Me 2 won the box office 2 weeks in a row. I’m sure it’s great and all, but come on – Pacific Rim is giant robots fighting giant aliens. Whatever, this week is probably going to red 2, but maybe RIPD. I’m going to see the Conjuring, screw that other shit.

By:|July 19, 2013


Too Damn Hot: A Poem

Because it's too damn hot. I wrote tis poem.

By:|July 18, 2013