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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: April 19th

We’ve all had a week to recover from none of us seeing Scary Movie 5, so that’s good. In what was a surprise to no one, that movie sucked and is making shit money. I don’t understand how people keep throwing money at shitty ideas like that. I will give you one of my screenplays for way less and I guarantee it can’t be worse than Scary Movie because it literally can’t be worse. This is a win-win. Hollywood.

By:|April 19, 2013


The 5 Best Monsters for Dads

Probably your dad sucks. It’s the nature of dads. Like maybe as a dad he’s awesome, but I mean in the grand scheme of things he sucks compared to a ninja or a robot, right? Of course.

By:|April 18, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Boyfriends

Everything the English do is classy.

By:|April 18, 2013


4 Things At Which No One Really Wins

Not everyone can be a winner, that’s a lesson that’s slowly being forgotten thanks to the overabundance of participation ribbons and awards children get just for existing and barely trying these days. Time was you had to excel at something and be better than everyone else. And even then, even if you were the best, you still weren’t necessarily the winner because there are some things at which no one wins.

By:|April 17, 2013


The Morning Jolt: The Hardest Core

Do you know what the word badass means? You do now.

By:|April 17, 2013

i get awesome instead

8 of the Most Awesome Things in the World

Comedy thrives on negativity. Making fun of something is necessarily negative, it takes a negative view of something. I spend all day on Twitter making fun of Kardashians and Biebers and whatever other stupid thing is afoot. I just used the pejorative “stupid.” See? Negativity abounds. And the world is negative enough already. So here is an awesome article of positivity and wonder because you need this kind of shit and so do I. I mean shit in appositive way, like “shit yeah!”

By:|April 16, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Alison Brie Imitates Memes

Our good friends at Mademan, who are allowed to make videos with celebrities while we at Holy Taco are allowed to play with rats in the sub basements EVEN THOUGH WE ALL WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING! made this. Enjoy!

By:|April 16, 2013


25 More Ignorant Things Justin Bieber Could Have Said

The big news in the kiddie pop world this weekend was Justin Bieber showing up at the Anne Frank museum and in a fit of ignorance and blind, egotistical teenage pop superstardom he wrote in the guest book that Anne was a great girl and he hopes she would have been a Belieber

By:|April 15, 2013


The Morning Jolt: The Future!

Beware the day you're wistful for Minaj!

By:|April 15, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 12th

Last week Evil Dead put everyone in their place and I actually went to see it and was right, it was pretty awesome. Was it the best movie ever? No, but it was alright and I don’t regret paying to see it. I would not be able to say that about any of the shitwiches that open this week.

By:|April 12, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Well Ship On Me

K Mart made a funny commercial. Holy Ship.

By:|April 12, 2013


The Didgeri-Death Metal Song

Some years ago I wrote a didgeridoo love song and it went over pretty well, won me a Grammy or two, got me some groupies, all that jazz. But did I rest on my laurels? Nah. I rested on a mean ass pillow and wrote another song. A death metal song full of angst and rage and intensity. Strap yourself in. Here it comes to fill your ear holes with blasticity. Didgeridoo blasitcity!

By:|April 11, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Inglorious Takes

I own this DVD and have never seen this feature. Must be neglecting my extras.

By:|April 11, 2013


6 Bad Ass Swimsuits

Summer is on its way faster than you can say something that will take you several months to finish saying. To get ready for the season you may need to get yourself a new swimsuit because I’m planning on hitting a lot of water slides and I expect to see some of you there with me. It’s OK if you don’t show up, just know that I hate you.

By:|April 10, 2013


The Morning Jolt: InSecurity

I got 2 hours of sleep last night because my dog has diarrhea and kept stinking up the house. I could use a blanket and some cocoa.

By:|April 10, 2013


4 Things Evil Dead Needed to be Perfect

The Evil Dead remake opened on Friday and seems to have kicked the box office’s ass, which is generally impressive for an R rated movie that kind of cuts a huge chunk of the audience from seeing it. Overall it was a well liked film with some people pointing out various flaws in the script and performances.

By:|April 9, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Sandler and Shaq

Sandler gets so much crap for his movies these days, but a bit like this is why anyone liked him in the first place. This makes me want to hang out with Adam Sandler. And kind of makes me want to hang out with Shaq, too.

By:|April 9, 2013


25 Worse Casting Choices Than Chloe Grace Moretz as Carrie

Here’s an odd one for you – usually people complain about casting choices because an actor sucks. This is the opposite.

By:|April 8, 2013


The Morning Jolt: Animal Humility

Let's knock those smug house pets down a few pegs.

By:|April 8, 2013


Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: April 5th

Last week I watched John Dies at the End, which you can now see on DVD or Blu Ray. I have nothing much else to say about movies in theaters. I’m sure they were all wonderful and thought provoking and interesting and not shitty. Did GI Joe open? I guess so. On to this week!

By:|April 5, 2013